Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle Bill, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says,

"OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture,
brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After
fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.


The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time,

I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles. "OK, she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

(I wonder if she was a blonde or a brunette?)

A maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "I see."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.

Had a chance to watch the first two eps of Swingtown tonight. Dunno if I think it will have what it takes to go the distance, but I was 16 in 1976, so I am enjoying the music!

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

Ok, so here I sit in the middle of an early and brutal heat wave...the last several days the tem have wavered between 91 and 99 degrees, and my heat pump has died. So, it seems, has everyone else's, so I might see a service person by tomorrow.

It has to be over 100 degrees in this house, and I am concerned about my computer overheating, so until I get the AC restored, I'll be around intermittantly. I am having to unplug the computer, cable boxes, etc. completely so I don't end up having to replace those items too.

Meanwhile, I did hear a funny joke...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS

A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens,
he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon,
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? ' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week
you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"You gonna tell him, or should I?"

Can hardly wait till tonight for Season 2 to begin, it feels like I've waited for this show to return forever!

Watched the pilot ep of In Plain Sight last week, will give it one or two more eps before making a decision...kinda on the fence about it.

Missed the pilot of Swingtown, did anybody catch it? Let me know what you thought...

Also I am looking forward to the return of The Closer, Burn Notice and Saving Grace later this summer.

Been a while since I blogged, so here's a brief update: My mom died in November, finally losing her fight with cancer. My son and daughter have both moved out, so it's blissfully quiet here. As an added bonus, whenever I decide to go to the kitchen to get a snack, I am delighted to find that the item I had in mind IS RIGHT WHERE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!!! (Laugh if you like, but it's been over 21 years since I last experienced this phenomenon.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A middle aged woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a
near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked,
' Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another
43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement,
boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
'I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?

God replied,
"Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"




"Because you got an F in sex."

(Have a great Weekend!)

Collard Greens

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly

collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because

the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help

him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my

Collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up

a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you

would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son....

Dear Daddy Jankins,

Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Junebugg Jankins III

At 4AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up

the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man

and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,

You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could

do under the circumstances.

Love Junebugg III

The Request: If you believe in prayer, or simply feel motivated to think of another with sympathy, please be thinking of my best friend. Her fatherdisappeared last April. It took a long time to get the police interested in looking for a 50-something year old man who 'could' have just decided to leave home, and the family has been waiting for news of any kind. The news arrived late last week, as power line workers found his body buried under an artificial Christmas tree. We had been expecting news of this kind, but I suppose you are never really prepared. The funeral is Tuesday at 2.

Rick was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find
a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a
box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the
house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

Speaking of anniversaries, I just realized that today is my tv.com anniversary!!

Watching 'Friday Night Lights' and 'Moonlight', of course.

I managed to see all of Season 1 of 'The Wire' before HBO removed it from On Demand. Then, I decided to 'just watch one or two episodes' of Season 2. Before I knew it, I had watched them all! It seems that HBO is going to put up every season between now and January when the 5th and final season will begin to air. This is one series that has never hit a false note, in my opinion.

I still continue to like a few of the new shows, 'Moonlight' is a keeper, as is 'Dirty Sexy Money'. 'Life' is a maybe-maybe-not, but for now, I'll watch it. I think I'm ditching 'Pushing Daisies', it's just too oddball for me. I wonder how the impending writer's strike will affect these shows?

I see the pm bug is still with us. It's frustrating to receive submission acceptances without being able to see what you submitted, and what comments the editors left, if any.

Congratulations to the Red Sox on winning the World Series, and to Mike Lowell for being named Series MVP!

A new level!

And a mission...just realized last night that HBO has relaunched the first two seasons of 'The Wire' in the On Demand selections. I had forgotten how awesome this series is. Unfortunately, Season One disappears tonight at midnight, so...I have 10 episodes left to watch; and have to get that done before the World Series starts...

If you need me, I'll be in front of my television.

A young single preacher took his first part-time church while he was going to seminary. He preached a message one Sunday called, "10 Facts On How To Raise Perfect Children."

A few years later, he got married and they had their first child. He pulled out the old sermon to preach it again, but decided to retitle it, "10 Suggestions on How to Raise Healthy Children."

After the second child was born a couple of years later, it was time to preach it again. This time he titled it, "10 Possibilities for Parenting Children."

Well, the third child came. This time he revised the whole thing and called it "10 Prayers for Parents."

Several years later when they became teen-agers, he burned the message and wrote a new one simply titled, "Help Me Jesus."

A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun.

He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GO RED SOX!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession: I love 'Dirty Sexy Money'

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a thing."

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 25 cents."
"25 cents?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"$1.00" the barman replied.
"$1.00?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The
husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it; looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, Here, let me
see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the
mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells,
"No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "O.K., what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means-- 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

There is only one October. (Good, now I can quit worrying about my defective calendar.) Unless, of course, your calendar says it is Rocktober, a name the Rockies are actually trying to patent in Federal Court.

There is only one postseason. (I'll bet the NBA, NHL and NFL would beg to differ.)

There is such a thing as over-exposure if one's commercials are played too often. (Hint to Dane Cook.)

One swing of the bat can be worth 70 million dollars. (If you doubt me, go ask any die hard Boston fan how they feel about J.D. Drew after his grand slam last night. But if you tell me you had an ounce of confidence in that overpaid Boras-baby BEFORE he stepped to the plate with the bases loaded, I will call you a liar. I personally started crying when Mike Lowell flew out, assuming the golden opportunity was lost...)

Which reminds me, I loved it when J.D. had to play right field in Philadelphia. Made me wish I had been there with my own supply of batteries. Gotta love those Philadelphia fans, they are hard core

Baseball players have some weird superstitions. (This is the only reasonable explanation for why Fausto Carmona always has the tag for his undershirt hanging out on his neck. That would drive me bat shiat, personally.)

Joe Buck is an idiot. (I would give examples, but have no idea where I would start. Or stop.) Ok, you twisted my arm, so here ya go: "Jonathan David Drew, and you can change that to Just Delivered Drew." (Please shoot me. I would use the Mute button, but it's like watching something awful happen, you simply cannot look away...) Actually, his name is David Jonathan, causing me to wonder why the hell the call him JD in the first place. Parental dyslexia?

More big innings are the result of a lead-off home run than are the result of a lead-off walk. (This was debated ad nauseum by the various broadcasters, but I think Stats, Inc. settled the matter. Thank God.)

So much for the memorable statement made by Chip Caray earlier in the season: Lead-off walks always come around to score. Unless they don't. (No, I did not make that up.)

Wearing a bungee cord around your neck is a fashion statement. (But could someone please tell me what is being said?)

I still refuse to watch Frank TV. But the clips did seem to get funnier, or was I finally indoctrinated, er...innoculated...or just plain overwhelmed? I was actually relieved to be switched to Fox, and I never thought I would write that, ever. Heck, after the TBS commercials, I won't complain if Eric Byrnes arrives in the FOX booth. (That's a lie...)

Miller beer is staging a revolt against 12 dollar hamburgers. As if anyone who bought a 12 dollar hamburger would order Miller beer. Get real. Everyone knows a 12 dollar hamburger calls for a Corona and a lime. Duh.

Chevrolet makes America's truck, yet Toyota has reinvented the truck. Now I am really confused. Is the Chevy one still a truck, or not? (Those Toyota truck commercials give me the willies. Deathly afraid of heights.) Personally, I'll take a Ford, you never know when you might need to stop an airplane.

The Rockies have won 20 out of their last 21 games. GOT IT. Yes, it's awesome. So, tell me, who shall they complain to when they are ice cold in the World Series? They need to send someone to check in with the Tigers first, looks like Detroit complained to the wrong department last year.

I think it's wonderful that Manny can be Manny. (Who else would he be, actually? Are there major league players out there pretending to be someone other than themselves? Wait, I forgot about DJ Drew masquerading as JD...) That does not stop me from frequently wanting to strangle him (Manny). Hats off to Terry Francona, I don't have that kind of patience. It must be great to screw off, screw up, and have your teammates defend you to the death, even when you pout, don't play while pretending to have an injury and demand to be traded.

If The Great Texas Con Man (otherwise known as Roger The Rocket) had a different cell phone provider, it would have deprived me of many opportunities to laugh at George Steinbrenner this season.

Who in LA thought it was a good idea to hire Grady Little? And why? Don't you just hate it when incompetence is rewarded?

They sure have some untimely bug conventions in Cleveland, and bug spray makes them stick. But I couldn't help but think the bugs looked natural stuck to a guy they call Joba.

Asdrubal Cabrerra is the only player in MLB history to have the first name 'Asdrubal'. Honest to God, this was a factiod posted during one game, complete with colorful graphics. Really? Coulda sworn there had been 5 or 6. But you gotta love that ESPN writer who nicknamed him Ass-Dribble, well-deserved after his 0-for-life in the postseason thus far. Ass-Dribble. I am still laughing. Go ahead, you know you want to.

The Florida Marlins 'forced' Boston to take Mike Lowell in order to get Josh Beckett. Dont'cha just love it when you are forced to do something that gives you a shot at the World Series? That bare-handed catch for the final out of Game 6 was a thing of beauty. As were the RBI's this season.

And, on a final note: The Red Sox spent a total of 103 MILLION dollars to bring Dice-K to Boston. Now, aren't you glad the ALCS comes down to him on the mound tonight? (So far in the postseason, he has managed only 5 innings against the Angels and the Indians combined.)

God, I love this game!

Of course, I love this site for many reasons. First of all, we share a common addiction, so it's like going to a 12-step meeting for television, only no one seems to be trying to quit! Then, we have the chance to chat in little groups about the show du jour, as well as a variety of fun off-topic stuff.

But last night, as I watched 'Moonlight', the best reason yet occured to me. The guest star looked SO familiar, but I couldn't place what I had seen her in before. A quick look at the show guide gave me a name, but that didn't help. Clicking on the name, I was taken to her page, but nothing there was anything I had ever seen. But, just before I gave up in frustration, I saw the little link that said 'Other Appearances' or some such, and VOILA! There it was, she had appeared in a movie I watched a few months back whenI was bored out of my mind.

Leading me to the inevitable conclusion that one of the very best reason to love this site is that it alleviates the fear that I am getting early onset Alzheimer's!