Moneybags Mansion, U$A - Activision released a press release today acknowledging the press' suggestions that Modern Warfare 2, the highly anticipated sequel to Call of Duty 4, was not selling up to standards.

"Indeed," said Activision in the press release, which smelled of rotton fish, "Modern Warfare 2 has sold more than pretty much every game ever made combined. But we expected better than this. Where's the love, man, where's the love? I gotta go take a piss, hold on a sec."

Popular website Gamespot agreed.

"Modern Warfare 2 sold 1,234,567,890 copies in seventeen hours," said Gamespot on its blog with shockingly large words considering their typical vocabulary. "Not only does this mean that we totally got like awesome statistics from reputable sources, but that we like totally know that Modern Warfare 2 was the best game ever made, because game sales == quality of the experience. But is it good enough?! We delve into the real story to find out."

None of our reporters were bored enough to click further into Gamespot's article to find out if they were actually successful. This echoes the sentiments on Ars Technica, where the article discussing the issue spanned 168 pages only to conclude in a single smiley face in the summary.

Prolific blogger Sean Malstrom also commented on the recent events.

"This game is crap, and you're crap for even knowing the name of the game," he said in a recent blog post. "Why are you not playing Super Mario? It's better than War-fair. It's better than you. Can you hear me?! MARIO IS ****ING BETTER THAN YOU. Stop playing your piece of crap War-fairs - they're ****ing crap, just like you and your filthy ****ing industry. Peace out, holmes."

Even the typically snarky Slashdot article comments had insightful comments to add to the subject.

"This is obviously a socialist plot from the power-hungry left-wing socialist US government," said Slashdot commenter Whozee, whose comment was rated a 5-Insightful. "I mean, like, taxes are a socialist plague apon our very society, and socialist government is just pumping out one piece of communist, socialist trash after another. It's only a matter of time before George Orwell's famous socialist vision becomes a history book. Socialist socialist socialist. Natalie Portman."

Microsoft and Sony were asked to comment on the subject of Modern Warfare 2's lack of success, and offered the following responces.

"Obviously the developer of whatever game you are talking about," said Sony in a statement that sounded like they were reading from a piece of paper rather poorly, "didn't prepare the game well enough for the extremely advanced PlayStation 3 platform. If you want more information about the poor quality of the game's lacluster port, please contact the developer or publisher."

We pressed for more details, explaining that we didn't think that Modern Warfare 2 had a bad PS3 iteration.

"Really?" said the Sony representative. "Well, hell, I don't know. Is the game in high-definition? I hear that really matters these days."

Microsoft, on the other hand, said, "Hey, okay, seriously, alright, thank you," and promptly hung up.

Update: Activision released another press release just a few minutes ago, following up the bathroom break from the last excerpt.

"Okay, like, where were we? But, yeah, like, Modern Warfare 2 should have sold like ten million times more than it did, and it's an utter failure and we're all very sad about it. So sad they we're all going over to Bob's house after work to have a barbaque by his gold plated pool. And I mean, Bob's like the coolest janitor ever, so we're all really psyched to have him and for him to throw us barbeques. Pieze out!"

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This Just In archive

Rock Opera? Awesome. Mega Man? Nerdy.

One of the best albums of 2009? You better believe it.

The story takes Mega Man and throws it at 1984 (The first album was about Mega Man's battle, and this album is about past Light and Wily's rivalry). The music takes the excellent songwriting from the awesome first album by these guys and cranks it up to eleven, while moving away from the heavy, noisy progressive rock and into a more varied set of tunes in which the band excels every single time they change genres. My only qualm is that the storyline doesn't make much sense without the excellently written Wikipedia entry on the album's story.

I could walk you through every track and point to the incredible lyrics, writing and song crafting, but I'm not going to. Go buy it. This music is just jaw droppingly well done, and I don't want to ruin the surprise of what may just be the greatest nine dollars I've spent in months.

Get it here on Amazon MP3. It's also on iTunes. Absurdly Flash-y homepage for the band is here.

If you do anything else, buy at the very least the song "Keep Quiet." It's the best song on the disc, and that's saying a hell of a lot. "The Hounds" is also a keeper.

Do not let this piece of musical magic pass you by. I'm not kidding - it is just freaking amazing. The video game connections and the whole rock opera thing just make me more proud of enjoying myself.

How should I phrase this blog? Yet another pat-yourself-on-the-back congratulatory piece of hipster frivolry that proclaims absolution in the face of all that is evil ( = Gamespot and co.)? A meditation on the lack of substance in the average blog that riddles the internet with vapid meditations that assume that every action, every observation has something meaningful to offer if you stare at it hard enough? Or perhaps an emo sulk about the good old days, or even the good old mindset where I - or anyone who cares about their health, sanity, etc - actually posted anything that mattered to anyone?

In the past four days I've seen humanity's beauty and tragedy, fallen in love and fallen out of love, stressed and studied for tests of little concequence and ignored the world-changing paraboles of our generation, and proceeded to be a hypocrite in my usual fashion that pleases me intellectually and keeps me from dying of boredom. So, just like every other four day period in my life. I am a youngster, and in such I feed off of hyperbole and exaggeration, living in the best and worst times of my life. It seems as things keep on changing and mutating around me I'm not exaggerating as much as I wish I was.

I've attempted to cast away gaming as I have many, many times in my life, but I'm just too damn bored to leave it alone, even though I know damn well I shouldn't be bored in this day and age. Besides, theoretically I may hate gaming, but in execution I enjoy it far more than practically any other form of electronic entertainment - more than, ironically, thinking about gaming or writing about gaming or blah blah bloggity blah. I like music way more than games, but that isn't always the perfect thing to suit the mood, and movies have little replay value or bang-per-buck.

I'd like to be not only minimalist and simple, but also hipster and fancy and elitist. Gaming takes up huge amounts of time I could be using to write the next great American novel, or the screenplay for Juno 2, or starting a soup kitchen, or even something self serving like hitting on girls. To add to the delusion, I also like noninteractive media more, or so I think.

Interviewer: So, do you game much?

Me: No, I don't game. I read and write a lot instead.

I outright lied to the interviewer, as do many. I game, and I like gaming. I like lots of games, and I don't like lots of games. No use trying to deny it and look cooler or feel better about myself. There's nothing better than, after a week of finals and studying my head off, wailing on a gigantic colossus a thousand times my virtual size. I can't say there is anything that tops losing myself in a crazy, upside down world where anything can happen (MGS, FF7, etc.). It sounds like work that I don't mind. It's a detached sense of engagment, which has such a level of absurdity in the way I phrased the idea that I'm not deleting it so your head can explode too.

I enjoy being creative and funny and exploring in gaming's protective ivory tower, but I don't enjoy the ivory tower itself. This is why, when I consider the idea of writing a new In Review or This Just In, I'm at a loss as to what to write about that I can find interesting enough to actually pay attention for more than a few minutes on Joystiq. The gaming industry is not fun to play in. It's stuffy, over protective, self-important and already exploited for humor in ways that boggle the mind. It cares more about game sales than game artistry. More about corporate politicsa than meaning and thought. Besides, being original around here is astonishingly difficult, and picking on the gaming industry is so closed and specific that the humor is rarely universal.

The only way I can deal with my gaming and enjoyment of gaming is to talk about the games that i hate so that I can ignore the games that I don't hate. Yum yum bitter rant yum. I've seen it everywhere - the internet brings out the inner mean, nasty, crude jerk who likes this and hates that and nobody's gunna tell him udderwiz, u got dat? Confident, charismatic, a leader for those around him/her. Well, okay, they'd be a born leader if they weren't unconciously channeling Captain Pirk. I'd be hysterically funny how puffed up everyone was if everyone wasn't doing it simultaneously. I feel like Valentine and Peter, posting on message boards about politics and massing a gang of supporters, only to find that nothing that anyone has ever posted on the internet actually matters, otuside the frivolous whirlwind of society that seems more and more alien to me the more I attempt to simplify and understand it.

So that's what's on my mind.

It's snowing outside - they said we'd get like six inches of heavy stuff by the end of the night. I'm hunkering in with a controller in my hand, the laptop's off, and my mind is as clear as if ever will be. I'm sick of Calculus. It's time for some Final Fantasy, and even though that sounds like the worst thing I could possibly do with my time, I know, secretly, deep down, that it's just the cure to soothe my tarnished soul.

Magical.

Link.

Consider my avatar an advertisement for them.

I bought Zeno Clash on Rock Paper Shotgun's recommendation. It's on sale on Steam for a bit over $5.

I'm always on the lookout for something new and fresh, and this seems truly unique. Think caveman punk ****beat-em-up in a first person perspective. It runs on the Source Engine (meaning it will run on practically anything and still look pretty nice). I may post impressions later once it's done downloading and I get some time to play.

EDIT: Zeno Clash is insane but awesome.

I also used my last remaining 500 Wii points on the original Legend of Zelda, because that game is also very good. On Christmas Eve night I'll buy Super Metroid for myself and Super Mario 64 for my brother (shh, it's a secret), and I'm pleased to find how easy it is to buy these things, though maybe my wallet isn't so enthused.

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I watched The Constant Gardener last night, and it was an amazing movie. Emotional and extremely well paced (which I expect from a John le Carre-based story, of course). It was kind of odd to see the main character played by the guy who played Voldemort in Harry Potter, but I got over it because the movie was so good. The camera work was frantic and always moving, giving the movie a distinct sty1e, motion, and paranoia that felt very natural. Highly reccomended.

I'm digging through our movie cabinet finding fun movies to watch that I never viewed before. Tonight I watch The Prestige.

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Apparently I had nothing to worry about with my speech I had to give while I was sick.I got only one point off (and it was out of 70). GO ME!

I'm still a little woozy and congested, but the worst is behind me, I think.

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If you liked the humor of my last blog, check out some of the reviews on Everything 4 Gamers. Not every review is sarcastic, but some of the reviews will crack you up pretty hard.

Check out this one for an easy laugh. Yes, it is a satirical review. Read it closely and you will see why.