I was really touched by your guy's reaction to me announcing I was leaving. It meant more than you know to know that despite what went down, most people have valued my input as a user.

Like I said I have been with my family for a week, which allowed me to take stock of things. I spent ages wondering if I had gone about things the wrong way. If maybe it wasn't up to me to make myself some sort of misplaced martyr. That in the scheme of things, with a mod not manning up and leaving to my fate, all that was achieved is myself seperated from a community that, whilst over-moderated, is one I have come to enjoy, immensely.

What you guys have said meant a lot. I really do appreciate it, and I guess, after time to cool down, reflect, and just process for a ****ing second, I realised that I will miss you guys. A bit too much to leave. And after reading some comments on The Foreign Grounds, that maybe efforts are better served trying to lift this place than let it die.

But then, I realise that I gave my word that I would leave if ignored. And that you guys have more or less said your farewells. I've always been a man of my word - I don't BS people, as life is too short.

So basically - leaving may be a bit rash. But if you guys will have me, I might see about staying around. For now, I'm gonna hold off posting for a bit. Even hitting submit on this is gonna require a deep breath and a hope that whatever reputation I have isn't tarnished for this change of perspective.

Well, there is so much in this blog I want to say, I don't know where to start. So let's start at the end.
http://theforeigngrounds.com/forum/index.php?topic=215.0

I have been moderated a lot over the past year. Most have been ridiculous, several have been borderline, but in the past I have shrugged off the targetting, albeit with a growing sense of impatience.

But now I have been modded for a political opinion. The Mods can scream about merely exercising the ToU, but this has stretched to Moderators now becoming a law unto themselves and exercising knee-jerk vendettas for things they don't believe in.

I will probably be banned before too many of you read this. I can't stay in a place that is now exercising intellectual terrorism. This is a step too far.

I don't want to leave. I wanna see my 10k. I want to see the OTcars. I want to continue to enjoy the international multiude of peers, enjoy their opinions and humour. I have valued you all over the past year and a bit. I have drawn enjoyment, courage, and a sense of belonging.

But the time is now to move on.

If you have been feeling increasingly discontented with the Police State level of action taken in this place, I urge you to join the rest of us who have left at www.theforeigngrounds.com. If you feel happy on this forum but unhappy with action, I ask that on the 5th of November, you do not use this site. An authority is to be afraid of the people, not them of it.

So long guys. I've loved my time here, but I hope me leaving is the inspiration for you, the users, to take this place back for yourself. Anyone who wants to keep in touch, make your way to The Foreign Grounds.

So long and good night.

Well hello again, my fellow OT-ricans.

Let's chuck a song on shall we? Like this?

So how's everyone been?

I'm sitting here, incredibly tired, 1am in the morning, sober (as if I'd blog if I wasn't!) and yet, remarkably, feeling alive. I just got back from a friend's house, a few of us met up as a spur of the moment thing for dinner, then watched a DVD (Changeling - don't recommend it unless you enjoy getting a numb ass and having those "It's over - oh wait, no it's not" moments). I thought as I started bashing out a blog I'd have bugger all to report but I guess I can dig up something.

I've decided health-wise to try and make a few adjustments - with Australian Football season starting in 3 months, it's time to try stop smoking (Jesus, I know, but just imagine), try get into functional sports shape rather than continue the bodybuilding efforts, and sleep better. It's partly my own fault, that last one, as I love talking to some of you who read this, but also as I think I've mentioned, get recurring nightmares stemming from some stuff in my past that sorta make sleep an unattractive prospect sometimes.
And not just health - there's part of me that's coming to terms with things from my past as well. I, for the first time in my life, accept being single, I am making plans I am close to following through on (and even that's a massive step!) and doing away with the rage outbursts that unfortunately come out of nowhere to create lasting damage. So you could say for the first time I'm approaching the whole "bettering yourself thing" with some actual intent!

Caught up with Dad and my sister yesterday - she was over in NZ for a week as she's split with her partner of 4 years. To the girls reading this, or in fact anyone - never put your life on hold for the good of someone you think you love. If they love you like you do them, you'll move forward together. D'awww... But seriously, we had a huge talk, Dad is thrilled I'm going into medicine, and my sister laid some honesty on me - "You've always been the one with the most potential, just never the desire to apply yourself." Truer words never spoken. Was great seeing her but at the same time, really sasd - her relationship made me believe some things did last forever, which has unfortunately been proven wrong. But I guess we both left with a sense of an optimistic future - every cloud, etc.

So now you're pretty much up to speed on my life, essentially trying to turn myself into a cage-fighting academic lothario Gotta dream the dream! Drop a line as to how you're doing, feel free to chat on MSN some time if you don't already, address is in the profile somewhere, hope all is well with you all over the world! The door is unlocked, go open it!

(Listen to this while reading - God knows I've been!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElO1il4gklQ

OK,

SO,

I thought it was time to bring something a bit closer to non-emo reality back to this blog. So, now, I present, a semi-happy me!

OK, so I'm still not sure about next year, but lately, I been thinking about doing pre-med, with a view to becoming a doctor. I aced my military medic training and am genuinely interested in medicine, so it's something I'm thinking pretty seriously about.

I went on a date with aforementioned girl. Yes, one. And it's another to add to the H for Hilarious chronicles. Honestly, I have stopped getting my hopes up. The warning sign shoulda been when she came up to talk to me first... But I swear to God, how many times on a first date can a girl say "Ex-Boyfriend" and "My Facebook page" before she realises she'd doing it!

I had some extreme road rage this morning. I was late for work, stuck behind some lovestain doing 30km/h. So naturally iI was right behind him when this bald gimp starts giving me the finger in his rear view. We pulled up side by side at the lights and he literally tried to hide behind his steering wheel when I wound down my window, told him to get out of his car and "LET'S ****ING GO, MOTHER****ER!" (I went Christian Bale on his ass the entire red light). Then, after wimping out, he started tailing me! So I slammed on my brakes, got outta my car with an empty glass V bottle, and laughed as I saw him suddenly not so tough and racing off! Easy to be a hard man behind a locked door!

I'm sorta loving seeing myself pop up in sigs and quotes around OT. I dunno if it's cool to be happy with how people percieve you online, but really, anything I post, I'd probably say in the real world, so it's a pretty accurate portrayal of me! So thanks for all the kind words, it does put a very real smile on my face!

I have been smoking way too much lately. I don't get drunk anymore and getting laid is a rare occurence at the moment - I need some sorta vice!

Before I go, I should tell you, me and the beautiful mod Alliecrombie are sorta an item. Well, an OT item. And not the married type either - I'm so terrified of real commitment I can't even get VIRTUALLY married! But if she reads this, baby, put it in your sig so I look like handsome arm candy and not a stalker with you in my sig

Time to go play basketball, loving the season being back, thanks again for your support around here, stay awesome!

Quote comes from my own self, playing the original Fallout...

So as I drunkenly promised an unremembered tracker on MSN, I would update this scantly-read blog for the good of those who are reading them in between refreshing forums during a slow spell.

I'd love to tell you life continjues on it's boring cycle of slow work, busy weekends, repeat, but lately ore stuff that usual has been bubbling on. Girls arrive on the scene, I'm forced to think like a grownup, and I realise I may actually be addicted to the cigarettes again.

Perhaps the biggest worry is my old self esteem issues seem to get in teh way of everything I try to do. Now, I have made huge steps, realise I am NOT the ugliest man on the planet, that I have loved deeper and lost more than most, and yet, big decisions have a habit of regressing eventhe best of us (of which I certainly am not) to the state of inadequacy that some must surely feel. Basically, I was picked on and beaten up in high school, called ugly and stupid, if only by the typical bully. However, those 2 years of such treatment have seen me outlive a drinking problem lasting 7 years, cost me my dream job, seen me bounce from girl to girl, and develop what can now be called a gym addiction, hoping becoming intimidating will scare away my demons where drink and self harm have not drowned and disfigured them. All this among other things that I cannot admit to even in anonymity.

Anyway after all that, I have a really great girl interested in me, and am finally proactively thinking about finising my degree and making headway in my career. Now is where that whole "past" rant fits in - I view myself as incapable of offering anything to another woman, and believe myself nowhere near intelligent enough to finish an IT degree. I view this as the feeling you experience when you are drunk - you KNOW what you're doing is wrong, but you are powerless to act any different. I hate this.

I understand if this whole thing seems like a sook, and that's OK cos I hate myself for not being strong enough to keep it to myself. But the gym has become aprison rather than a release, the cigarettes don't work anymore, and I'd hate for my friends to realise that their funny, loving old buddy is a time bomb.

Well anywyay, whinge over. If you're reading this, I hope all is going well for you wherever you are in the world.