Well ever since my beloved Azure darling got banned, my life hasn't been going easy. Not sure what's been going on with me but I haven't been acting like myself. Which I am sure he would agree if he could post a comment to my blog. I have been doing nothing but thinking lately and I have nothing. Perhaps it's just a phase I'll soon get out of, but I have been totally snapping at people and I don't even need a reason to. It'll just come out of nowhere and then I'll find myself in the worst mood ever. Full of anger, hurt, loneliness...etc. I just get waves after waves of these emotions and I can't seem to rise above them. Heck, I even snapped at Tom the other night. And I never done that before, he was even shocked about it. So I'm not sure what triggered it or why it happened.

But on another note, I have been being woken up by nightmares. I really don't want to post them on here since they are very personal and dark. So I'll just inform you that my mother is mostly involved in them. And if you don't know, my mother was murdered when I was 3 years old infront of me. So that plays a big part of these demons I have. Demons I don't think I will ever be able to escape. But my Tom darling has been helping me cope with them. He really is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Well I'm ending that right now. Tears are bout to form and I don't feel like crying.

Lastly, I got past level 20 and am on level 21 now. So yay for that. Just wish Tom was here.

My Azure darling got banned!! I thought I'd make a blog since I keep getting messages asking if he's really banned or not. And yes he is!! I don't even know where to begin. All I can say is that gamespot is a lot less bright without my Azure darling!! Most of you shouldknow by now, that Azure and I met over Gamespot and we are dating!! I'm not even sure if I'm going to stay on gamespot since my darling isn't here. It just won't be the same without him. He's what brightened up my day on here. We talk over MSN all the time so it's not like we won't be talking. And we're not splitting up or anything. We're still going strong. ^.^ Nothing gamespot can do will ever break me and my Azure darling up!! We love eachother and will always be together!!

But I will miss him on here terribly!!

Well I am sure most of you know that today is Tom's 17th Birthday!!! And I have been excited all day for it too!! ^.^ It is the anniversarythat my beloved was born and I couldn't be happier!! He is my everything and I want to wish him a Happy Birthday!! Mwuah!

Him and I just got througha rough patch and I want him to know that I don't want to be with anyone else but him! My Tom darling is the most amazing person ever to me. ^.^ And nothing can change that!! I love him to pieces!! And for his birthday I sent him two shirts and a card!! I put kisses in the card...^.^ Just put lipstick on and kissed inside the card!! Lol. I also wrote him a acouple poems. I could probably have edited them a little more but I didn't have time too. xD So here they are.

~Angel of Light~

When darkness falls, my hand will be there
you needn't worry, or havest a care
my arms will protect you, my warm embrace
my soul a pillow, to protect your sweet face
when in my control, no evil shall fall you
my heart be your shield, my love is true
take my hand, and escape your fears
in my arms, there will be no more tears
while some abandon and others neglect
your life is mine, and i will protect
my back will never turn or grow weary
my light give you vision, you will see clearly
that i will be your angel of light
take my hand and together, we shall survive the night.

~A Love So True~

i've never known feelings to run so deep
how every thought of you my heart skips a beat
your eyes so kind, patient and blue
my mind can't help but think of you
every second with you passes by so fast
it feels like i've known you for years gone past
my world collapses when you're not here
and has quickly become my epitomy of fear
we've only just begun, and yet me you manage to astound
you know what i'm thinking without me making a sound
i've dreamt of perfection so many times before
you've exceeded my dreams and still so much more to explore
i've never smiled the way i have with you
a love like this could only be true
i've been broken and beaten, over and again
and my only escape used to be this paper and pen
but now that i've met you, my world has shifted
and quickly now, my burden has been lifted
the only thing i ask of you, is let me repay,
repay you for everything, every word, every day
my days have never felt so complete as they do now
loving you is effortless, honest, and forever i vow
that never will i strain, hurt or abandon
because now my heart has been taken.

Happy Birthday Tom! I love you so very much!

I dont know whats been wrong with me lately. I've just been feeling so low and not wanting to get out of bed really. Just lying there until I start to feel sick and then i would get up. I feel myself slipping more and more into this depression. And I feel helpless to resist. I know what's happening, I've been through something similiar to this before. So I should be able to stop myself from falling completely to the shadows, right? But what if the shadows seem welcoming this time? What if I don't want to stop from completely losing myself?

It's to the point where I like the feeling of being broken and empty. It's all I've ever felt throughout my life. So it feels like home. It's hard to explain, but I feel comfortable here, in the shadows.

So what I'm saying is that I need to be pulled out of the shadows because I don't have the strength or the will. The shadows have me enthralled and I cannot break the spell it has over me.

But also at the same time, I feel like something has a hold on my heart. Pulling it down, weighing it down until it gets too hard to bare. And it just makes me want to rip it out of my chest and be gone with it. It's even hard to breathe sometimes, I get this clenching feeling in my throat. It sickens me how weak I can get so quickly sometimes.

And lastly, this weakness of mine is taking over. I find myself starting to cry for no reason at all. Just like out of nowhere the tears will come and take me over. This overwhelming feeling of loneliness and emptiness is unbearable anymore. And yet, I love the feeling when I cry. I try to hide this weakness from Tom. Because I'm afraid of how he'll react when he sees me like this. Which is stupid because I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Plus it's not like he hasn't seen me weak before.

What I'm trying to say is, this darkness is taking over me and I'm not sure I can get through it on my own anymore. I feel weak to resist and just wanting to give up until I'm completely consumed. This heartache is killing me. I need you Tom. I really do. You're my strength and without you I'm nothing but a broken girl.

Today is my and Tom's Three month anniversary!! And it has been three awesome months with him!! ^.^

He really completes me!! Just like we were made for eachother!! ^.^ I don't even know where to begin, there's just so much Tom contributes to my life. He makes me stronger than I ever was before. I know I always tell him that I'm weak and he argues with me that I'm a strong woman to have gone through all that i have and come out alright. And that may be true, but with him by my side I feel stronger. Like I can get through anything if he's by my side. ^.^ Because I know he'll always be there for me and knowing that he will be there makes me so happy and content with everything. He truly is amazing.

Having Tom by my side is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me!! It truly is. He has changed my life for the better since we've been together. Always cheering me on and standing by my side, holding me up when I feel weak.And not only that but I can tell him anything and not worry about him seeing me differently, or judging me for that matter. I know I had a fewissues where it wasreally hard for me to tell him something but he was patient with me and waited till I was ready to tell him, not pressuring me. And I liked that a lot.

I can really see myself with him for the rest of my life. We make such a great team together it's unreal. ^.^ I keep thinking back to when I first fell for him and boy did I fall for him. xD His personality alone is what firstdrawn me to him. He always puts a smile on my face, from the very beginning and even now he does. I am so happy that Ihave him!! And it's the greatestgift of all to be loved by the person you love!! Andknow that love is true and not tainted. I couldn't ask for anyonebetter than him because there is no one out there better or no one else that Iwant for that matter. I just want him!! Forever and always.

You really have no idea Tom how much I love and care for you babe. But I plan to show and express my love for you each and everyday that we're together!! I love you so much Thomas Daniel Miles!! The keeper of my heart!!

My Knight in Shining Armor!!

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The tears
Have came and gone
The words from your heart
Have touched me deeper then ever
Loving you for these three months
Has been greater then ever
Knowing these days are just the beginning
Of our lives together
Knowing that you'll love me
fromthis dayto forever
Has changed my life
And gave me a feeling of doing better
The feeling of being with you
Is like know other
Knowing that this feeling is right
Hits me deep inside
Telling you I love you will never
Come to a stop
Nor will the beat of my heart
These three months have been the greatest
Times of my life
And so will the days ahead
As our hearts grow more and more in love
As each day goes by
Loving you more then what you can see
I promise to always be by your side though this
ALways and forever