Hello all. Miss me?

"Who the hell are you?" is the proper response.

It's been an odd couple of months to say the least, but I suppose it's time to dust myself off and get back to one of the things I enjoy: boring the crap out of people with pointless speculation and aimless rambling. It's good to be back.

A special thanks to those of you who took the time to notice my absence. It really means a lot.

Alright. Let's get this show on the road.

Dungeons, Dragons and DLC

Though johnsteed7beat me to the punch on this one (curses! foiled again!), I just thought I'd put my two cents in on the topic. If you haven't discovered this yet, the treatment of DLC in Dragon Age: Origins is….discouraging….to say the least. Just to bring you up to speed:

There is a character placed in the game for the sole purpose of selling you the "Warden's Keep" download. You'll find him relatively early, and the conversation you'll have with him goes something like this: he asks you to help him, and then the following dialogue option pops up

"(Download New Content) Give me a minute, and I'll help you."

As johnsteed7 stated, after selecting this option you are then booted to the main menu so you can buy the content.

Now, this isn't a huge deal. It's not going to give me cancer or steal my car. But for me, one of the most crucial aspects of an RPG, what separates the ho-hum from the great, is how deeply I can lose myself in both the world and the story as I'm playing the game. This encounter put me right back on my couch.

Again, nothing earth shattering. It's just a shame. It shows a lack of respect for the gamer, and a lack of respect for the story. It also concerns me. As time goes by, am I going to be treated to more characters that do the same thing? As new content becomes available, will this world slowly fill with micro-peddlers? Will I eventually see an entire shop placed in town just to sell me crap that should be kept in the main menu and out of the game?

And what does all of this mean for Mass Effect? Will we see the same crap pop up there as well? I sure as hell hope not.

Now, on the subject of Bioware's culpability, I'm more inclined to place the blame on EA. Why? Well, if memory serves, they did the same thing in the original Godfather game. If I remember correctly, you could meet NPCs that would sell you in-game items for real-world currency.

Sigh.

Other Stuff

---Tried Afro Samurai a few months back. Just couldn't get into it. Though the visuals are amazing, it was just a little too dull for my taste. I've never been a huge fan of hack-n-slashers, so I guess that's what I get for trying to break out of my mold. That'll teach me.

---Borderlands is a mindless good time. The story, if you can call it that, is one of the most anemic in years, but if you're looking to run around blasting things this is your game.

---Can you really call your boycott a success if you disband before the product hits store shelves so that you can run out and buy it?

---How 'bout them Texans? I've been a fan for years. I have a thing for underdogs. Though the 105 penalty yards didn't help, I can't believe they missed out on overtime because of a blown field goal. Ah well. I dig the Colts too, so I guess it was win-win.

---Staph infections are not fun. I had an in-grown fingernail that got infected.Fortunately, antibiotics knocked it right out.

---Staphylococcus finds it's origins in the Greek word for "a bunch of grapes." Thank you, medicinenet!

---My dog is blind. He bumps into walls.

Wow. I think I am officially out of ideas. Thanks as always for reading. Hope everyone is doing well out there.

Hello out there. I was going to try and do something a little different this time, something involving the Gross National Happiness of Cameroon and how it is directly influenced by the number of people with mutton chops in Arkansas, but then I realized that would require some form of effort on my part. So I decided to go with this instead.

The Walking Wounded

About five days ago, I pinched something in my back. As a result, I've been wandering around with a posture that resembles that of Ed Grimley http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5619097745224237454. Good times. It only hurt when I would try and do stuff, like walking, sitting, lying down, coughing, going to the bathroom, not going to the bathroom, etc. Fortunately, it seems to be clearing up. I'm almost "back" to normal (see what I did there? ) , or whatever my version of normal happens to be.

So what activity was I engaged in when this happened? What heroic act was I committing to damage my back? Was I trying to expand the square footage of my "gun show?" Was I trying to save an army of nuns from a rampaging Krogan? Nope. I was trying to stand up. Neat. Let that be a lesson to you kiddies: standing up, whether it's the physical act or merely the symbolic act of defiance, is simply not worth it. Stay seated. I don't think I used "symbolic" correctly there.

:raspberry:

At the Movies

On a more positive note, I managed to catch "Defiance" finally. Not too bad at all. I'm not sure how close Tinseltown got to telling the actual truth of the story, but I can say that the story itself was enough to really get me thinking about life in general, about the little things I take for granted, and about the ridiculous, horrible things that people do to each other. What a world. I'm tempted to get all philosophical on ya'll, but I think I'll leave it there.

A couple of weeks back, I also watched the new "Rambo." Good grief. I consider myself to be a fairly desensitized person, but how did this movie manage to escape an NC-17 rating?

Gaming

I've managed to finish up a few titles in the past few weeks. I'll just give you a quick run-down in order to keep you from falling asleep.

Castle Crashers: Helluva lot of fun. I've heard some complaints about lag during multiplayer, but I can't speak to that as I am a mentally-abused shut-in and have no friends.

FEAR 2: Nothing to be afraid of. Encounters with Alma are reduced to really lame quick time events that require you to mash a single button in order to escape her. It's the same button every time. Some good tension in a couple of spots, but the pacing is all wrong. Too much emphasis on combat distracts from any feeling of "fear" that may have cropped up. Shooting ghosts with an assault rifle is still ridiculous.

Bionic Commando: I was going to make a "loses its grip joke", but somebody beat me to it. Damn you Google. Starts off ok, though a bit ridiculous. The agency or whatever you're working for decides that the best way to get you to your initial objective is to load you inside a rocket and launch your ass through a building. They launch your bionic arm separately, and you spend the first five minutes or so trying to find it. I'm not kidding. Some of the worst voice acting of this gen gently frosts the turd-cake that is the plot. The game centers around the idea of being able to use your mechanical abomination to swing and explore the world. Only trouble is that if you swing too high, you die of radiation poisoning. If you go off the set path, you die of radiation poisoning. If you fall into three inches of water, you drown. And then you die of radiation poisoning. Combat is fun, but gets old.

Lego Indy: Surprisingly good. I wasn't a huge fan of Lego Star Wars, so I wasn't expecting much from this game, but I figured I'd give it a shot. Glad I did. The puzzles are fairly interesting, and even though some of the levels are a bit tedious, there are still good times to be had. Free Play is a blast this time around, with each level giving different character abilities a chance to shine.

Medal of Honor: Airborne: Haven't finished this one just yet, but I'm actually having a really good time with this game. I thought I was done with WW2 shooters, but this one is actually pretty solid. Enemies are a little on the dumb side, and the parachuting gimmick is a little unwieldy, but overall the game is a mindless good time. Just don't expect too much.

Well, guess that's it for now. Hope everyone is doing well out there. Thanks for reading.

Howdeney pardiners. Just wanted to throw in a quick disclaimer. I'm going to be making fun of a few games in the following post. Most of them are games I enjoy, but a couple I haven't even played yet. The reason I'm doing this is simple: I like to poke fun at things. Whether or not I like whatever I happen to be mocking is purely circumstantial. Just about everything is fair game. Please take it all with a grain of salt. If you still find yourself getting angry, try to take it with several.

Enclosed you'll find the first installment in what I hope to cultivate as a series, and you'll also find the worst web-comic in history. Hope you enjoy.

And no, not all of the items listed below fall into the category in the traditional sense. You'll see what I mean.

The Worst of the Worst: Collectibles

For years, gamers suffering from OCD have been preyed upon by the gaming industry. The need to see "!00% Complete!" find it's way onto our screens has been a part of our culture since cavemen etched copies of Air-Sea Battle on their walls. But this weakness has become subjected to new levels of exploitation with the current generation. Developers looking to mask the true length of their product have learned that collectibles are an easy way to go, and can turn a three hour tour into a thirty-six hour labor.

So here it is: the worst of the worst collectibles for the current generation of gaming.

The Game: Viva Piņata

The Items: Flutterscotches

Why They Made the List: In order to unlock the Master Collector achievement, a player must be willing to trick 50 species of piņata into living in their crappy garden. One of the best ways to do this is by using a little bug called the Flutterscotch. By feeding it random crap you find on the ground, the insect will transform into a number of different variants, and each variant counts towards a new species. The only trouble is that figuring out which items to feed the little suckers can be extremely taxing, and even after you've figured it out you'll still reach the conclusion that you just spent four hours feeding garbage to the most boring creature in the game.

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The Game: Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts

The Items: Jiggies

Why They Made the List: Though tracking down enough jiggies to see the endgame might not be a problem, getting enough to reach that 100% marker might be. Many of the events that you must complete in order to unlock the precious pieces border on sadism. I have no problem with a race being challenging, but when the challenge doesn't come from the track or your competitors, but rather from the gimped vehicle you're given, the fun gets sucked right out the window. "Hey Banjo! Take this motorcycle and use it to smoosh as many flying seagulls as you can!"

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The Game: Eternal Sonata

The Items: Score Pieces

Why They Made the List: Though many of these are easy to track down, only the most rabid achievement hunters or fans of the game will be able to collect them all. In order to snag every one, you have to play through the game twice. This wouldn't be so bad if A) the game were interesting enough to warrant a second playthrough and B) they didn't strip you of all of your hard earned levels when you start over. Completely erasing everything I've done over the course of a game is not a good way to get me to play through it again.

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The Game: Dead Rising

The Items: Zombie Corpses

Why They Made the List: Tedious is not a strong enough word to describe what you're in for if you decide to try for the Zombie Genocider achievement. Though killing the required 53,594 shambling morons is not all that difficult, you can expect to spend three or four hours mooshing these hapless corpses with a van. Fun!

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The Game: Prince of Persia

The Items: Light Seeds

Why They Made the List: It's bad enough that collectibles are used to obscure the true length of a title, but at least most of them are not required in order to complete the game. Not so here. If you want to see the credits roll, expect to spend a couple of extra hours collecting orbs that have mysteriously and conveniently appeared within jumping distance of the Prince. Not only do you have to snag a ton of these things to progress, as an added bit of misery you also have to listen to the Prince speak while you do it.

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The Game: GTAIV

The Items: Pigeons

Why They Made the List: Are you kidding me? You want me to find something the size of tin can in a city that vast? Why not throw a thousand pennies into the game, and ask me to find the 309 that landed heads up?

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The Game: Borderlands

The Items: Bobbleheads

Why They Made the List: Because they ripped off Fallout 3. If you're going to give you're game a complete graphic overhaul in order to differentiate yourself from a certain other post-apocalyptic title, you might want to reconsider ripping off one of the items that makes that game unique. My buddy indecisiverhino and I were speaking on this point the other day, and he brought up that there are just certain things you don't "borrow" from other games. Bobbleheads would be a prime example.

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The Worst Webcomic You've Ever Seen

All pictures involving barns, hens, or eggs were taken from publicdomainpictures.net

Let me just start off by saying I apologize if I missed a few blogs out there. I'm in kind of a weird place in my life right now, not a good place, and I just haven't had much energy for anything other than avoiding people. I'll try to do better in the future. Moving on.

Shadow Complex

I'm sure you've already heard this from a number of different sources, but this is a fantastic game. An undeniably cool blend of the old and the new, I've never had so much fun with an Arcade title. I hate to throw this cliche at you, but it really does raise the bar in terms of what the service is capable of delivering.

I can only hope that the game is a timed exclusive. I think everyone who's interested should get a shot at playing it.

Batman

So I picked up Arkham yesterday. After reading a number of reviews, I figured I'd give it a shot. Don't worry: I didn't break my "$30 rule" or anything. I just traded in some stuff I never play anymore, and managed to cover the whole game.

I gotta say that so far it doesn't disappoint. I know it's popular to hate what's popular, but I really love the game. It's an odd mix of a number of different elements, but they seem to come together nicely. The only real gripe I have is that Batman looks a little ridiculous to me, but that's not the game's fault. He's well rendered, and well animated. No, the fault is my own.

I guess one of the reasons I fell out of reading comics is because I couldn't help but imagine how I would react to someone in a six foot bat-suit with pointy ears (or a spandex spider suit or whatever) if I met them in real life. In my mind, pointing and laughter was always the response. I always get the image of Triumph asking which button on Vader's chest plate calls his mom to come pick him up. I guess the limits of my suspension of disbelief don't go very far.

The Old Is New

Went and snagged a copy of the original Saints Row a couple of weeks back. I've been jonesing for a sandbox game that doesn't take itself too seriously. What surprised me is how well the original holds up. Normally, after I play a sequel, I have a hard time going back to the first installment. The new additions are usually significant enough that it's difficult to enjoy playing with out them. Not so here. Not sure if that's a testament to how good the first game is, or how bad the upgrades to the second are. Either way, it's good times in Stillwater again.

Parting Shot

Guess that's all for now. Sorry if this blog is a little on the dry side. My thoughts are a little muddled of late. But, as a gift to you for your patience, I leave you with my latest pair of Paint Shop masterpieces. Enjoy.

"Behemoth Birfday Party"

"The Critegun"

I'm sure this is fairly old news to a lot of you out there, but I was cruising around various sites this morning, and apparently there is a veritable **** storm brewing over the positive review given To Arkham Asylum by Game Masters UK. A page on Blog Spot called The RAM Raider has made the claim that Eidos has offered early review publication privelages to those magazines willing to give the game both a 90% or higher and the cover of the magazine.

What a fantastic scandal. Odd how there has been no mention of GameInformer's review as of yet, but I guess that makes sense. If I was just wildly speculating about a topic, I suppose I wouldn't want to point out the fact that somebody out there completely undermined my assumptions either. Remember those rules? The game has to have the cover of the mag? Not so with GI. Sure, it has a line at the top of the page, but that's not quite the same thing as dominating the cover, now is it?

Is it possible the claim is legit? Sure it is, but unless the author can actually provide a legitimate source for this info, he or she just comes off as yet another jaded gamer. Lord knows we don't have enough of those. Personally, I do find the early reviews a bit suspect. GameInformer calling Arkham Asylum "this years Bioshock" sounds like a phrase that could be replaced with "please come pre-order this game," but here's the thing:

First off, I haven't played the game. Nor has anyone I trust, so I can't tell you if this game really deserves the scores it's getting or not. Yes, I believe that review-embargoes are a real thing, but just because they exist doesn't mean that this game has one. And it doesn't mean that this game doesn't deserve the scores it's received so far. We'll just have to wait and see what the game really delivers.

Secondly, I'm assuming that this whole thing gains steam from the idea that gamers are the ones that suffer here. Think about this: if I'm willing to lie in my review, and give the game a high score so I can enjoy the benefits of releasing an early review (more mag sales or page views, plus the added benefit of more pre-orders if you're gamestop), then gamers who fall for it and rush out and buy it are being duped. They are purchasing something based off my recommendation, and it's a recommendation that I don't really believe. It's akin to selling you a car that I know is about to break down.

But here's the strange little loophole I've found in all of this: education. As a culture, gamers have a vast amount of resources at their disposal that can help them decide to make a purchase. If we decide to do so, we can be patient and wait until all of the reviews are in, arm ourselves with knowledge, and then make an intelligent decision based upon all the facts and opinions we've read. Remember that lemon I was going to sell you? If you had just waited a few weeks, you would have had several other people telling you not to buy it. If we're not willing to do that, not willing to be patient, and just make knee-jerk purchases based upon a single review, then maybe we deserve what we get. Maybe we should be bilked a couple of times until we learn to use the resources that are made available to us.

Maybe that sounds a little harsh, but it's hard to see anyone as a victim of the big bad corporations when A) no one is forcing them to buy the game and B) they have the option to be patient with their money but choose not to exercise that option. I can identify with the idea that taking advantage of people is not a good thing, but it's not as if the armed guerrillas are stealing the UN delivered foodstuffs from the helpless villagers. We have a choice here.

SOURCES: http://ramraider.blogspot.com/2009/07/eidos-seek-90-score-cover-for-arkham.html (WARNIG: very strong language)

http://www.gameinformer.com/News/Story/200908/N09.0813.1623.28940.htm

Howdy guys and gals. Welcome to yet another chapter in my ongoing epic. This is a very special installment. Not because of what I've chosen to discuss below, but because this is the blog that helped me to realize what my function in the universe is. Yes, at long last I've figured out why I am here, and I am eager to share my findings with you.

It's quite simple really. I don't know why I never realized it before. I was put upon the earth to perform one act and one act only: blog. It suddenly became clear to me, and my life is forever changed. I no longer think of this as a hastily written and often asinine piece of e-doody. From this moment forward, it will be my love song to the cosmos; the deep, long sigh of my soul as it sings of the weight and value of existence.

Come on. Admit it. You're a little jealous, aren't you? It's not like just anyone can blog.

"Happiness..."

......is a warm probe. Picked up "Mothership Zeta" this morning, finished it roughly an hour ago. Not bad. Not my favorite episode of DLC, but it's worth the ten dollar price tag. Those of you out there who might be itching for new alien gadgets, a surprisingly large ship to explore, or just more of that Fallout 3 goodness might want to check it out. I will say this though: the content is more in line with Op Anchorage in terms of its gameplay focus. Expect a lot of action, only expect it to be handled in a more intriguing fashion.

I've heard rumors of this being the final installment of DLC for the game. I'm not convinced. I'm fairly certain that one more episode will come out. It will finish off the remaining allowance for achievement points, raise the level cap to forty, and introduce a new weapon: the Radscorpion Launcher.

Similar to a mortar, the Radscorpion Launcher fires live scorpions at unsuspecting enemies from several hundred feet away. Though the details of how the player will manage to snare the deadly critters are still unavailable, it's doubtless that this weapon will find a place in the hearts of fans everywhere.

Movie Time

Finally managed to catch "Coraline" last week, and I must say I was really surprised at how good it was. I had kind of sworn off animated films for a while. It seems three out of every two are about animals. Out of all the math out there, this is my least favorite equation:

Animals + Doing + People Things = Funny.

I disagree.

And speaking about animated films, is anyone else stoked about "9?" It looks amazing. I just hope it has the story to back up the visuals.

In Threes (No Particular Order)

Three Comedies I Love

----Blazing Saddles

---- Raising Arizona

---- The Wedding Singer

Three Reasons Why I am a Jerk (Game Related, Gears and Fable 2 Spoilers ahead)

---(major SPOILER for Gears 2) When Dom had his little encounter with his wife, all I could think of was "That should be an achievement."

---I thought the same thing when Tai did his thing. I thought it should be called "Tai-Burger" and should award the player 20 points.

----(major SPOILER for Fable 2) I laughed when my dog died.

Three Songs I Love to Drive to at Night

---- "Tape Loop" by Morcheeba

---- "In The Waiting Line" by Zero Seven

---- "You" by Switchfoot

The Joy of Soap

I have a theory. I could write a four word editorial that says nothing more than "Games be good, ok?" and somebody would find something to get upset about. I have no problem with people disagreeing with a particular point of view, but when you write a blog that is based simply on curiosity, and someone takes the time to argue with your "opinion," well, that's the internet at its funniest. I guess they could have made the argument that I wasn't impartial enough when it came to describing our playing habits, but those weren't even the points that were criticized. Ah well.

"I be in ur page, not readin' ur whole blogz."

Guess that's it for now folks. Thanks as always.

I am, as of this year, thirty years old. To a lot of you out there, that may seem ancient. All I can say to you is this: wait until you get here. I can honestly say that I've forgotten more than I currently know. Periodic tables? Gone. Hiragana? Bye-bye. I suppose the mind is just like a muscle in the sense that whatever you don't use quickly turns to fat. And if that's the case, my brain is well into the "obese" end of the spectrum.

Don't be scared: I'm not going to bore you with stories about how in my day I used to walk backwards uphill through the snow to get to school or anything like that. We don't really get snow here anyway. What I do want to discuss, however, is this:

About three hours ago, I posted a blog that I thought might be funny. It was the cover of a game called "Cabal," and in it I attempted to make fun of the box art. I say "attempted" because the joke turned out to be just like most everything else about this day so far: bad. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting much of a response. I figured the blog would stay up there, hanging like some forgotten tapestry until I replaced it a few days later. Much to my surprise, I was wrong.

The plan was to pick some obscure game, thinking no one would remember it, and make fun of the cover. As it turns out, it was not only remembered, but remembered with no small amount of fondness by a couple of the good folks I "hang out" with. That's fairly impressive to me. Why? Because "Cabal" is twenty years old.

So this whole experience has me thinking. It's got me running through a list in my mind of games that have stuck with me despite all of the things I've forgotten. The first game I can remember playing was a Star Wars game on the Atari. It was pretty simple. You flew along a horizontal plane in a tiny ship, and from the right side of the screen Imperial Walkers would pop up. The goal was to shoot them in the single colored square that popped up on their otherwise gray bodies. If you hit the square, they died. That was it. That was the whole game (at least as far as I can recall). Despite being simple, it has stuck with me.

And there have been others that have stuck with me as well. The original Ghostbusters game from the C64. Archon from the same. Shadowrun for the Genesis is burned into my brain. No matter how far along I get in years, it seems I can always remember those games, and remember them fondly.

Now, I suppose you're probably rolling your eyes at this point, wondering when I'll get to the point. Well here it is; the meat of the thing.

Is it going to be the same for gamers today? Will they be able to look back on what they've played in twenty years and say "Oh yeah! That was a freakin' great game! I played that when you were knee-high to a grasshopper, sonny"?

Please don't misunderstand: by posing this question, I don't mean to imply that the old-timers have a monopoly on game-based nostalgia. I'm simply curious as to whether or not the gaming world has changed so much that it doesn't leave gamers time to savor and remember what they play, and that applies to all of us.

Think about it: we are constantly, constantly, moving now. Moving up, moving out, moving on. There's always some big new thrill to be had, some new title that everybody simply must get a hold of. Games keep coming down the pipe, and it seems that the more that come out the less we hold onto the ones we own. We trade them in, sell them on e-bay, play them and then move on almost immediately. When we're blowing through six games a month, will we remember any of them later in life?

And we are so much more critical than we used to be. Every gamer is also an amateur reviewer, and we're constantly dissecting what we play, thinking about what we'll say in the review we'll inevitably put up on Gamespot. Rather than just play the game, we're thinking about clipping and draw-distance and bloom and jaggies. Do we ever just play to play anymore? And can a fond memory be formed when we're constantly nit-picking everything we do in a game?

I don't have any answers. I really can't tell you what will or won't stand out to you over the next twenty years.I'm simply curious. The whole situation leads me to wonder whether or not these games we love-and-leave, these games we pick apart in our minds and in our blogs, will survive in our minds long enough to bring us smiles when we're older. Only time will tell.

Liev Schreiber learns what happens when you stick your finger into spinning helicopter blades. Pre-cyclopian Nick Fury finds this hilarious. 5 out of 5.

Hey guys. Seeing as how vids are up and running again, and I just can't seem to get enough of myself, I figured I'd feed you all a double portion of my delicious and oh-so-wise cooking. Enclosed you'll find version 2.0 of my latest crime against humanity, as well as the usual incoherent babbling.

TALKIES

Last week, I finally managed to catch a flick that I've been meaning to watch: "The Wrestler." Now, I've heard wonderful things about this movie. It's supposed to be the rebirth of Mickey Rourke. It's supposed to be a mixture of triumph and tragedy. It's supposed to evoke such emotion that the only way you'll feel anything even close to it for the rest of your miserable life is if you eat three pounds of chocolate and then set a box of puppies on fire.

It's just a shame no one bothered to tell me how boring it is. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I had a really hard time caring about what was happening on screen. Mr. Rourke does an excellent job, to be certain, and I'll probably go through it again, seeing as how occasionally I'll watch something and hate it the first time through and then love it later on, but as it stands now I really don't see what the fuss is all about.

TALKIETOOB

I'm sure you guys don't want me to go into some long diatribe about my television viewing habits, so I won't. Let me just say that I have discovered "Dead Like Me," and I'm really enjoying it. Season one is better than two, but overall I'm really digging the show. I just wish they'd give the "Troubled Family" routine a rest. I think fifteen episodes in a row are more than enough to get the point across.

GAMING:

I came to a conclusion the other day: I'm not going to buy games at full price anymore. New or used, my limit is now thirty bucks. Why, you didn't ask but I'll tell you anyway? Simply put: because of downloadable content.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to start speaking of how DLC is a plaugevisited upon the gaming world to punish it for its sins. I actually think it's a good thing. My trouble is this: most games, however enjoyable they may be, are not worth eighty or ninety dollars to me. They're just not. In fact, the only game I can think of right now that is worth the extra dough is Fallout 3.

For example: Red Faction. Good game. Solid game. Am I willing to go from spending sixty bucks to spending ninety by purchasing the three downloads? Hell no. I said it was good, not that it would do my taxes for me. The way I see it, if I spend thirty on the game, I won't have as much trouble justifying the purchase of thirty dollars worth of DLC. But that's just me. Moving on.

Managed to pick up a few games of late. Prince of Persia, the new Banjo Kazooie, and Devil May Cry 4. Haven't really gotten far enough into Banjo or DMC to give a solid opinion on either, but I can say I'm enjoying them both. Still not sure about Prince. I find myself playing it in very small doses, which is never a good sign.

VERSION 2.0

Couple of quick notes before we get started:

---Thanks to indecisiverhino for the suggestion concerning Wrex. Not sure how I missed the connection, though I suspect allowing my stupidity to go unchecked for so long has something to do with it.

---Thanks to GabuEx for the suggestion concerning the "Wolverine" bit. I figured the ambassador walking off in a huff was enough to sell the scene. I was wrong.

---The vid is now 7.23 times better than it was before.

----I used science to reach that figure.

---It's nowhere near perfect, and it's still mostly a long string of nonsensical conversations, but the lip-synching is much better.

--Ditched the aliens. If you can't see their lips moving, what's the point?

---The opening sequence is a shot at elevator rides. Not sure how well it works, though if you feel the need to explain the joke....

---Thanks for watching.

This is more or less a trial run. The whole thing was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. I really like the way the first one turned out, but the rest are kind of "meh." Can you see why I'm not in sales? Anyway, I learned a lot, so hopefully the next one will be better. Assuming there is a next one, that is. Thanks for watching.

I'm not sure how well this one is going to work. It's very likely that it'll turn out to be one of those things that sounds like a good idea on paper, but the actual product really kind of sucks. I may or may not take this one down. We'll see. Thanks for watching.

IGN stole my idea. Kidding. I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone else came up with the idea. I think I like theirs better. WARNING: Fairly mature subject matter ahead.

http://xbox360.ign.com/dor/objects/14354412/lionhead-mylo-project/videos/projectmilo_spc_070209.html

Howdy howdy ya'll. You all? Youse guys? Welcome to an all-gaming edition of my ridiculously funny, oft-maligned, possibly carcinogenic series. The cats are sleeping, it's no longer 106 degrees outside, I'm still painfully single, and so there's only one thing left to do to keep the universe from tilting wildly and killing us all: blog. I'm convinced that if I don't blog at least twice a month, a singularity will form inside of my left nostril, and then will begin consuming Gamespot members. Starting with Laughlyn. And then all of the chicks. And so, for this blog, you're welcome.

Man I'm in a weird mood today. Yoohoo and pistachios apparently merge instantly into brain-tumors once they are in your system. Just kidding. I don't drink Yoohoo. But I think I may have the tumor. Moving on to gaming:

Because My Opinion is Valid. Really.

I haven't done a review in a while, so I figured I'd slap one together. It's for Point Lookout, has almost zero spoilers (minus the mentioning of a few enemies and weapons) , and you can find it here: Continue ŧ

Now with 100%fewer cat-turds

I've been playing a couple of sand-box games of late: Red Faction and Prototype. Managed to pick both of them up through trade-ins, so that's kinda nice. Very different games in their own right, but both are fun. Special props to RF and its multiplayer. Who knew that the best way to kill a sniper was not to track him to his perch, but to blow his perch out from under him? A rocket in the pooper is sure to kill you. A rocket in the pooper fired through a collapsible wall? That'll kill anybody near you as well. "Pooper" is not a spell-check approved word.

I'm still considering doing a video mash-up of both games, but to be honest I've really been itching to do something different with my vids of late. Just something original or fresh. I've got a couple of ideas, but I'm not sure about them just yet. Rest assured, true believers, they will most likely suck noodles.

And speaking of sandbox games, does anyone else feel like the genre needs an overhaul? Ok, maybe not a complete overhaul, but maybe a little tweaking? I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like there is this untapped potential just waiting under the surface. I think it revolves around the interaction of the character with their environment, or the environment itself. In most sandbox games, you have your primary objectives, your secondary, and your collectibles. There is almost zero interaction between the main character and the city he/she lives in.

Sure, in Saints Row you could leer at civilians and they would respond, or in GTA you had pre-ordained encounters with people you met on the street, but I still feel like something is missing from the experience. I'm not sure how to define what I'm getting at, but most cities just don't feel alive. I guess the closest I've seen to what I'm speaking about happened in San Andreas. When you broke into a house, there were actually people living in there. It made the experience seem more valid some how. Most of the time, I just feel like the citizens in the game are strictly there for my amusement. That's fine for a while, but I want something more. I think it would be cool if even the nobodies were given their own personalities, if you could hold conversations with them. Hell, even static characters would be cool. You show up on a certain street at a certain time, and a certain person is there, grilling steaks or sitting on the porch or whatever. If they die in one of your rampages, they don't show up anymore. There could even be funerals for the deceased.

I feel like it would give the city a little more depth, and make the game a little more involving, if the setting was treated as more than a backdrop for carnage. Sandboxes are just starting to feel a little too 2D for my taste. Or maybe I just want a sandbox game where I play the cop instead of the robber. One where the object is to keep people alive. Who knows?

Does this make any sense at all? Probably not.

I guess that's all I've got for this evening. Hope everybody out there is doing well. Oh, and sorry about the "chicks" comment. I just thought it sounded funny. I was right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUcTz9phnTo

Warning: The following is just a joke. If you don't want to see me make fun of Milo, please don't watch the vid. Thanks as always.

E3 is right around the corner, and gamers everywhere are salivating at the thought. With new titles on the horizon, new peripherals coming to light, and games we've all been tracking getting their first hands-on exposure to the masses, it's hard not to get swept up in the hype. This time of year is the gamer's first Christmas. It's the only reason we have for living.

What we may not consider, however, is all of the goodies that don't make it to the big show. There is a limited amount of space and time to be had, and each company must choose wisely when selecting what critics and fans will see. In the process of selection, many titles are left on the cutting room floor, so to speak, and run the risk of languishing in obscurity for several hours. Overshadowed by those items found worthy to grace E3, these titles or add-ons will not see their fifteen minutes until the expo is over and GameInformer does a piece on them a full two days later.

If you're like me at all, you like peanut butter and celery. More importantly, if you're like me you find that a two day waiting period is far too long.

And so, this reporter went out and did some digging. As impossible as it may sound, I managed to track down a trio of anonymous sources, one from each of the "Big Three." They spilled the beans on some of the products that won't make it to E3, and I in turn will spill those beans on you. Expect third-degree burns, because these beans are hot.

Microsoft: Covenant Crossing

A few of you out there may be familiar with a little title by the name of "Halo." Microsoft's flagship, the series has seen a dramatic evolution in terms of gameplay over the course of its life. First, they give us the ability to wield a single weapon, and then graduation day comes, and the brilliant edition of two weapons has us all throwing our tasseled hats into the air. It's hard to follow that act, so they choose not to. But we get bubble shields and a second type of grenade that sticks to stuff. It's genius to be certain, but nothing compared to the leap in gameplay we're about to see.

Enter "Covenant Crossing," a real-time sim starring everybody's favorite slobbering alien race: the Covenant. Without further ado: the Q&A.

ETW: So, just out of curiosity, why am I not speaking to a rep from Bungie?

SOURCE: They don't know we're making it.

ETW: What can you tell us about the game?

SOURCE: This is a complete and total evolution of the series. I can say with total confidence that no one in the history of things happening has ever seen such a leap in creative development.

ETW: Is it anything like the original trilogy?

SOURCE: Only in that you can play as either MC or the Arbiter. But that's where the comparison stops. In this installment, we've completely done away with the tired old FPS formula. We've moved on to what we consider the only logical step left to take.

ETW: Which would be?

SOURCE: A reality-sim that takes place in a small, quaint village with talking dogs and bat-fish that sell you clothing.

ETW: Um..I think that sounds a lot like...

SOURCE: You can fish, and shake trees, and catch bugs, and sell the fish and bugs to shop keeps. Full day and night cycles; it even keeps track of the seasons. And all of this happens in eye-popping 1080p.

ETW: And by 1080p you mean...

SOURCE: 420i times two.

ETW: Uh-huh. Well, I think we're good. Thanks.

SOURCE: Wait! I haven't told you the best part!

ETW: You can take a train to a friend's village?

SOURCE: Um, no. Try a Warthog.

Sony: Kai's Crossbow Training

When Heavenly sword made its way on to the PS3, a lot of gamers were pleasantly surprised. Though the game as a whole was well received, what really stood out for most were the levels involving Kai. Sony is hoping to expand upon that success by giving Kai her own game, and to top it off, she's the vehicle for introducing a new peripheral: the Dual-Shock Blaster. Guess what kids: its motion sensing and shaped like an Uzi.

ETW: So, Kai's Crossbow Training, huh?

SOURCE: You got it, maing! (maniacal laughter for a full minute) Get it? Maing? Tony Montana! Where's your sense of humor? (Slaps my knee)

ETW: Please don't touch me.

SOURCE: So yeah, this game, this game is going to cook your biscuits man. It's the best thing since the meatball sub. Really stellar, you know? The best. Cause that's us, man: The best.

ETW: So, about the game?

SOURCE: Right! Man, I forgot what we were here for. The game, man! The freakin game, maaaaan. This thing is going to throw your whole head into a wood-chipper. It's gonna feng shui your face. It's gonna take your Chi and bury it alive.

ETW: Right.

SOURCE: So, it's like this, right? You have this do-dad, this controller that senses motion. Motion, man. As in: "What I do all the time, all day long." Move man, Move. So you have this chick, right, this crazy Kai chick, and she shoots arrows, and you can freakin move them in mid air. In mid-air! Can you believe it?

ETW: Sounds a bit like Link's....

SOURCE: (With one motion, he turns his desk over, and grabs me by the throat) You shut your mouth!!! Crossbow training starts when we say it does!!! Not a minute before! You got that?

ETW: Got it.

Nintendo: Um.....Nothing?

Let's just get right to this one.

ETW: So, explain this to me again.

SOURCE: Well, it's simple really. We are no longer going to make games.

ETW: I find it hard to believe that you're calling it quits.

SOURCE: That's because we're not. We're just calling it quits on making new games. From here on out, we are only going to make consoles.

ETW: So no games at all?

SOURCE: Well, we will be repackaging old games from time to time, throwing together compilations of Mario, Zelda, and so on. But there will be no more money spent on development of new titles.

ETW: Why on earth would you...

SOURCE: Look, making games is hard. Have you ever tried to make one? We figure we've earned the right to make money by not doing anything interesting or new. So we're going to go all Disney on gamers, and put our tried-and-true titles into a vault, and release them once every few years. We're the king of this gen, after all, and the king can do whatever he wants. Right now, the king wants to re-sell all of the stuff people already own, and the king wants to re-skin the Wii so that it comes in red and purple and orange. The king also wants a sandwich. Go make us a sandwich.

ETW: Excuse me?

SOURCE: Sandwich! Now! (Begins waving a Wii-mote at me, making odd gestures as if trying to control my arms)

ETW: I don't think it works that way.

SOURCE: Yes it does! I made some guy in Jersey wash my cat.

ETW: Thanks for your time.

At the bottom of this post there is a vid. No images, just a song. I's suggest playing while you read, because it beats the tar out of staring at a black screen for six minutes.

CALL OF DUTY MADNESS

I just got finished with a marathon session of COD4. All told, I think it was roughly five hours long. I can't be certain however, as time seems to evaporate when you're running around in multiplayer. I gotta say, I love that game more and more each time I go back in. It's just plain nuts how it doesn't seem to get old. During my time with the game, there are a few interesting things that I've noticed, so why not bore you with them? It's what I'm best at, after all.

LAST STAND MAKES ME SAD: I know it sounds strange, but it's depressing to see your buddy lying on the ground, bleeding out, and there's nothing in the world you can do to help him. It's even more pathetic when there is no one around for them to shoot, and so they just lay there waving their gun around until they eventually expire. I can't help but wonder what their lives could have been, what they could have accomplished, had they just made it out alive.

LAST STAND MAKES ME LAUGH: When it's happening to a player on the opposing team. Especially when I put a sniper rifle round in their noodle while they're laying there. +10 FTW!!

TEAMWORK: I witnessed a strange occurrence today. I was playing Mercenary Team Deathmatch with a group of total strangers. None of us were using headsets, and so there was no way for us to communicate verbally. And yet, in spite of this obvious handicap, we really gelled as a team. We moved in loose packs, covered the snipers, and generally made sure that everybody was looked after. It was pretty cool to watch it all unfold. I really got the impression towards the end that I could relax a little bit, and just trust the people around me. I'm not sure I've ever come across that in an online match. Normally it seems to be everyone for themselves, but something about COD 4 breeds teamwork.

THE JAPANESE TRIO: At least I think they were Japanese. Their names certainly indicated so. They came in as a group, stayed as a group, and left just the same. The only reason I mention this is because they might have been the most unusual team I've come across. All three of them used shotguns and shotguns only. They were deadly with grenades, and even more so with those scatter-guns. They stuck together everywhere they went, and were surprisingly adept at marching straight into a fight and taking a few of their enemies with them. They weren't too much to worry over long distances, but they were a scary group nonetheless.

PRONE: Why can't I roll sideways when lying prone?

POINTS: If I blast someone, and they fall into the "Last Stand" pose, and then someone comes and finishes them off, why do I only get 2 points for the assist?

CREEK: Sucks.

Alright, I think that's enough on Call of Duty. Oh, and Laughlyn12, if I missed ya online, I apologize. I stayed on until 1:30 or so, but my eyes were beginning to burn.

BOOKWORM

I managed to pick up a few books today. Nothing artsy or intellectual, but a few titles I've been meaning to check out nonetheless.

"A Drink Before The War" by Dennis Lehane is first up. I first got interested in his work after watching the movies "Gone, Baby, Gone" and "Mystic River," both of which are based upon his novels. "A Drink" is the first in the series involving Patrick Kenzie and Angela Gennaro, the two main characters from "Gone." Though I suppose you could consider his work fluff, he has a serious tone to most of his subject matter that tends to run a little darker than most. And he also has a surprising grasp of the language that makes each book a pleasure to read.

Next up: The "Bourne" series. I know, I know, picking them up instantly subtracts whatever cool points I may have amassed at this point in my life, but I really enjoyed the movies, so why not spend a little time with the original subject matter? And yes, I know that admitting I enjoy the movies officially puts my cool-pool into the negative range.

AROUND THE SPOT:

For those of you that don't subscribe to his feed, laughlyn12 has a COD 4 game night coming up sometime soon. Keep your eyes peeled for more news.

Gen_Warbuff has some pretty spectacular vids on display right now. If you want to see physics based destruction that doesn't revolve around Red Faction, head on over to his page.

THE SHORT LIST: MY FAVORITE CARTOONS (no particular order)

Samurai Jack

The Venture Brothers

Futurama

Danger Mouse

Courage The Cowardly Dog

Home Movies

MUSIC: "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd

I feel like I should add this, seeing as how it's a pretty nice thing for someone to do. The guy at gamestop who sold me COD 4 was kind enough to let me swap out my new copy of the game for a used one. Not a normal occurence, but he said the circumstances were a little past the norm. I saved almost enough money to cover the maps. Not too shabby.

Warning: You Will Not Enjoy This.

There are certain things that bother me. The fact that I don't have a "Webby" emblem bothers me. The fact that I'm either too inept or too stupid to figure out how to allow that website access to my email so that it can send me my account verification code bothers me. I wanted to vote. I love this site. But what has two thumbs and is too stupid to figure it out? This guy.

That joke doesn't work nearly as well when you can't see me.

It also bothers me that I used the word "Too" when I meant to use the word "To" on my last vid. Stuff like that gets under my skin. It may be a small thing to some of you out there, but it bothered me for days. It still does.

I really have no idea where this blog is going. I started it because I'm pretty pissed off right now, just needed to vent, get it out and be done with it. But the truth is that I can't tell you the truth, or I could but you wouldn't really care, so I think I'll change topics.

Where does confidence come from? Is it something people are born with? Nurture or nature? Choice or environment? Paper or plastic?

I'm old enough to know that there is a difference between being cocky and being confident. Those that run on ego feel tiny inside, fear the idea that they'll be exposed for the frauds they are, put up vast and intricate fronts in order to keep prying eyes from seeing who they really are. It must be exhausting to go through life playing nothing but defense.

But here's the good news: we're all frauds in one way or another. In the short walk from A to B, there isn't one of us who doesn't use prosthetic legs from time to time. It's the nature of things. It's the smog that belches its way out of our fear. It's the cost of being mortal.

My prosthesis? Approval. I really want people to like me, I want to make everybody happy, so I hold my tongue, I avoid the fight, I play dead until the mighty bear grows bored and wanders off. It's a tiny room to live in. Somehow, the notion that people enjoy my company helps me keep walking.

And the funny part? Even as I write this, I can feel some of you rolling your eyes, some of you feeling sympathy or empathy, some of you reading to the third sentence and then wandering off in pursuit of less tedious subject matter, some of you skimming the blog, shrugging, and moving on.

Why is that funny? Because in spite of any and efforts on my part to make people happy or make people like me, I have zero control over individual reactions. I spend my life trying to push the tide back into the sea. What a waste of time.

I can't effect something that occurrs within you naturally. A response will be had as a result of this blog, but that response is uniquely you. It's who you are that governs the reaction you have right now. In other words, the idea that I have in my mind that I can make people like me by playing the good guy boils down to two things:

Falsehood. And ego.

I'm a liar. Pure ego rolling around in a fat, disgusting, chain-smoking body. Neat. So the question now is this:

Does confidence come from recognizing who you really are, and becoming comfortable with that? Or does it come from finding out who you really are, and trying to remove those parts of yourself that you disagree with? Does it come from overcoming yourself?

What an odd concept: disagreeing with something that is you. It's like a tree taking issue with the fact that it has leaves. The roots angry with themselves because they need the soil. Seems kind of fruitless to fight against it. But at the same time it's depressing to think that we can't change, that we can't break free of the soil or the leaves.

Again, I had no idea, where this was headed. I don't like it, but I wrote it, so up it goes.

The following vid started off as kind of a tribute to Yao Guai. For those of you that don't know, Yao Guai are the mutated Black Bears that roam the wasteland in Fallout. They have a spectacular set of animations, and I just wanted to highlight a few of those here. But then things got out of hand.

I'm not sure how funny this will be, and it's a little on the long side so I certainly don't blame you if you don't watch the whole thing. I'malso not sure how well track two fits, but I went with it anyway. I guess that's the sure sign of an amateur at work.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

Track One: "I Want to Break Free" by Queen

Track Two: "Uptight (Everything's Alright ) " by Stevie Wonder