IGN stole my idea. Kidding. I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone else came up with the idea. I think I like theirs better. WARNING: Fairly mature subject matter ahead.

http://xbox360.ign.com/dor/objects/14354412/lionhead-mylo-project/videos/projectmilo_spc_070209.html

Howdy howdy ya'll. You all? Youse guys? Welcome to an all-gaming edition of my ridiculously funny, oft-maligned, possibly carcinogenic series. The cats are sleeping, it's no longer 106 degrees outside, I'm still painfully single, and so there's only one thing left to do to keep the universe from tilting wildly and killing us all: blog. I'm convinced that if I don't blog at least twice a month, a singularity will form inside of my left nostril, and then will begin consuming Gamespot members. Starting with Laughlyn. And then all of the chicks. And so, for this blog, you're welcome.

Man I'm in a weird mood today. Yoohoo and pistachios apparently merge instantly into brain-tumors once they are in your system. Just kidding. I don't drink Yoohoo. But I think I may have the tumor. Moving on to gaming:

Because My Opinion is Valid. Really.

I haven't done a review in a while, so I figured I'd slap one together. It's for Point Lookout, has almost zero spoilers (minus the mentioning of a few enemies and weapons) , and you can find it here: Continue »

Now with 100%fewer cat-turds

I've been playing a couple of sand-box games of late: Red Faction and Prototype. Managed to pick both of them up through trade-ins, so that's kinda nice. Very different games in their own right, but both are fun. Special props to RF and its multiplayer. Who knew that the best way to kill a sniper was not to track him to his perch, but to blow his perch out from under him? A rocket in the pooper is sure to kill you. A rocket in the pooper fired through a collapsible wall? That'll kill anybody near you as well. "Pooper" is not a spell-check approved word.

I'm still considering doing a video mash-up of both games, but to be honest I've really been itching to do something different with my vids of late. Just something original or fresh. I've got a couple of ideas, but I'm not sure about them just yet. Rest assured, true believers, they will most likely suck noodles.

And speaking of sandbox games, does anyone else feel like the genre needs an overhaul? Ok, maybe not a complete overhaul, but maybe a little tweaking? I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like there is this untapped potential just waiting under the surface. I think it revolves around the interaction of the character with their environment, or the environment itself. In most sandbox games, you have your primary objectives, your secondary, and your collectibles. There is almost zero interaction between the main character and the city he/she lives in.

Sure, in Saints Row you could leer at civilians and they would respond, or in GTA you had pre-ordained encounters with people you met on the street, but I still feel like something is missing from the experience. I'm not sure how to define what I'm getting at, but most cities just don't feel alive. I guess the closest I've seen to what I'm speaking about happened in San Andreas. When you broke into a house, there were actually people living in there. It made the experience seem more valid some how. Most of the time, I just feel like the citizens in the game are strictly there for my amusement. That's fine for a while, but I want something more. I think it would be cool if even the nobodies were given their own personalities, if you could hold conversations with them. Hell, even static characters would be cool. You show up on a certain street at a certain time, and a certain person is there, grilling steaks or sitting on the porch or whatever. If they die in one of your rampages, they don't show up anymore. There could even be funerals for the deceased.

I feel like it would give the city a little more depth, and make the game a little more involving, if the setting was treated as more than a backdrop for carnage. Sandboxes are just starting to feel a little too 2D for my taste. Or maybe I just want a sandbox game where I play the cop instead of the robber. One where the object is to keep people alive. Who knows?

Does this make any sense at all? Probably not.

I guess that's all I've got for this evening. Hope everybody out there is doing well. Oh, and sorry about the "chicks" comment. I just thought it sounded funny. I was right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUcTz9phnTo

Warning: The following is just a joke. If you don't want to see me make fun of Milo, please don't watch the vid. Thanks as always.

E3 is right around the corner, and gamers everywhere are salivating at the thought. With new titles on the horizon, new peripherals coming to light, and games we've all been tracking getting their first hands-on exposure to the masses, it's hard not to get swept up in the hype. This time of year is the gamer's first Christmas. It's the only reason we have for living.

What we may not consider, however, is all of the goodies that don't make it to the big show. There is a limited amount of space and time to be had, and each company must choose wisely when selecting what critics and fans will see. In the process of selection, many titles are left on the cutting room floor, so to speak, and run the risk of languishing in obscurity for several hours. Overshadowed by those items found worthy to grace E3, these titles or add-ons will not see their fifteen minutes until the expo is over and GameInformer does a piece on them a full two days later.

If you're like me at all, you like peanut butter and celery. More importantly, if you're like me you find that a two day waiting period is far too long.

And so, this reporter went out and did some digging. As impossible as it may sound, I managed to track down a trio of anonymous sources, one from each of the "Big Three." They spilled the beans on some of the products that won't make it to E3, and I in turn will spill those beans on you. Expect third-degree burns, because these beans are hot.

Microsoft: Covenant Crossing

A few of you out there may be familiar with a little title by the name of "Halo." Microsoft's flagship, the series has seen a dramatic evolution in terms of gameplay over the course of its life. First, they give us the ability to wield a single weapon, and then graduation day comes, and the brilliant edition of two weapons has us all throwing our tasseled hats into the air. It's hard to follow that act, so they choose not to. But we get bubble shields and a second type of grenade that sticks to stuff. It's genius to be certain, but nothing compared to the leap in gameplay we're about to see.

Enter "Covenant Crossing," a real-time sim starring everybody's favorite slobbering alien race: the Covenant. Without further ado: the Q&A.

ETW: So, just out of curiosity, why am I not speaking to a rep from Bungie?

SOURCE: They don't know we're making it.

ETW: What can you tell us about the game?

SOURCE: This is a complete and total evolution of the series. I can say with total confidence that no one in the history of things happening has ever seen such a leap in creative development.

ETW: Is it anything like the original trilogy?

SOURCE: Only in that you can play as either MC or the Arbiter. But that's where the comparison stops. In this installment, we've completely done away with the tired old FPS formula. We've moved on to what we consider the only logical step left to take.

ETW: Which would be?

SOURCE: A reality-sim that takes place in a small, quaint village with talking dogs and bat-fish that sell you clothing.

ETW: Um..I think that sounds a lot like...

SOURCE: You can fish, and shake trees, and catch bugs, and sell the fish and bugs to shop keeps. Full day and night cycles; it even keeps track of the seasons. And all of this happens in eye-popping 1080p.

ETW: And by 1080p you mean...

SOURCE: 420i times two.

ETW: Uh-huh. Well, I think we're good. Thanks.

SOURCE: Wait! I haven't told you the best part!

ETW: You can take a train to a friend's village?

SOURCE: Um, no. Try a Warthog.

Sony: Kai's Crossbow Training

When Heavenly sword made its way on to the PS3, a lot of gamers were pleasantly surprised. Though the game as a whole was well received, what really stood out for most were the levels involving Kai. Sony is hoping to expand upon that success by giving Kai her own game, and to top it off, she's the vehicle for introducing a new peripheral: the Dual-Shock Blaster. Guess what kids: its motion sensing and shaped like an Uzi.

ETW: So, Kai's Crossbow Training, huh?

SOURCE: You got it, maing! (maniacal laughter for a full minute) Get it? Maing? Tony Montana! Where's your sense of humor? (Slaps my knee)

ETW: Please don't touch me.

SOURCE: So yeah, this game, this game is going to cook your biscuits man. It's the best thing since the meatball sub. Really stellar, you know? The best. Cause that's us, man: The best.

ETW: So, about the game?

SOURCE: Right! Man, I forgot what we were here for. The game, man! The freakin game, maaaaan. This thing is going to throw your whole head into a wood-chipper. It's gonna feng shui your face. It's gonna take your Chi and bury it alive.

ETW: Right.

SOURCE: So, it's like this, right? You have this do-dad, this controller that senses motion. Motion, man. As in: "What I do all the time, all day long." Move man, Move. So you have this chick, right, this crazy Kai chick, and she shoots arrows, and you can freakin move them in mid air. In mid-air! Can you believe it?

ETW: Sounds a bit like Link's....

SOURCE: (With one motion, he turns his desk over, and grabs me by the throat) You shut your mouth!!! Crossbow training starts when we say it does!!! Not a minute before! You got that?

ETW: Got it.

Nintendo: Um.....Nothing?

Let's just get right to this one.

ETW: So, explain this to me again.

SOURCE: Well, it's simple really. We are no longer going to make games.

ETW: I find it hard to believe that you're calling it quits.

SOURCE: That's because we're not. We're just calling it quits on making new games. From here on out, we are only going to make consoles.

ETW: So no games at all?

SOURCE: Well, we will be repackaging old games from time to time, throwing together compilations of Mario, Zelda, and so on. But there will be no more money spent on development of new titles.

ETW: Why on earth would you...

SOURCE: Look, making games is hard. Have you ever tried to make one? We figure we've earned the right to make money by not doing anything interesting or new. So we're going to go all Disney on gamers, and put our tried-and-true titles into a vault, and release them once every few years. We're the king of this gen, after all, and the king can do whatever he wants. Right now, the king wants to re-sell all of the stuff people already own, and the king wants to re-skin the Wii so that it comes in red and purple and orange. The king also wants a sandwich. Go make us a sandwich.

ETW: Excuse me?

SOURCE: Sandwich! Now! (Begins waving a Wii-mote at me, making odd gestures as if trying to control my arms)

ETW: I don't think it works that way.

SOURCE: Yes it does! I made some guy in Jersey wash my cat.

ETW: Thanks for your time.