I'm still in a rut. I finished my MA Thesis over a week ago, but it hasn't really made things better. I keep feeling melancholic about myself day after day. It seems I don't have any friends, I keep having conflicts with my boyfriend and my sister, and the eating disorder has yet again raised its ugly head. I'm so tired of this cycle that lifts me up only to bring me down.

I wish I had a simple answer, a straightforward solution to all of this. I wish I could quit cold turkey everything that's been making me feel unhappy and uncomfortable. But at the same time I know that there are numerous things that would have to change, and I'm feeling weak in front of such a challenge. Basically, I would have to go back to my childhood in my thoughts and feelings in order to make things right. I don't want to do that. A three-year therapy is enough, especially since I don't know whether it took me anywhere.

Every day I find myself telling me that I should be happy. That there are many things in my life that should make me glad. But they don't. And repeating this in my head only makes me feel guilty because I'm not happy. The fact that I'm complaining about my life right now is also making me feel guilty.

I'm sad. This is not me. This is not who I want to be. Why can't I be proud of myself for having accomplished something?

Or, a change would do me good. I'm tired of the same old, same old. I work sporadically, try to write my MA Thesis to get it done during the summer, go out every now and then, and feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. It's sad, my life's becoming boring. I don't feel old but my life seems "old". That's a strange feeling, like watching myself from the outside. At times, I feel bold, colorful, spontaneous, kind of wacky, that is I feel like myself. Other times, I'm in a rut, just staying inside, watching TV, not seeing much anyone except for my boyfriend.

I would like to change my life around. Get rid of the hate relationship I have with my body. Do things that I really WANT to do, not the things that I SHOULD do... I'm pretty disappointed with life right now. When I was around 14 or 15, I had great expectations. I was planning all those wonderful things that I would do, how I'd educate myself, spend time with interesting people, have my own horse etc. Yes, a lot of that stuff has come true, but I can't help feeling an emptiness within me. Is this really all there is to it? I was hoping for it to be so much more special.

A change would really do me good. I need to do something, maybe something drastic, so that I'll feel alive again. I don't want to sell myself short.

90210, that is. I watched a couple of the first episodes last fall and didn't think that much of them. Actually, I found the acting pretty mediocre and the casting kind of off, but now that I've "reconnected" with the show on TV, I've actually started to LIKE it.

I know why. It's a nostalgia trip for me. Kelly, Brenda, Donna, Dylan, Brandon... Wow, they were like my friends when I was in elementary and junior high. I really dug the original 90210, and bringing the characters from that show back on TV is just so much fun for me. I can't resist them! Haha, I must be a little weird, but I'm such a sucker for nostalgia, for good ol' times.

At the same time, me and my boyfriend have been watching reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210 and we've had such a blast! Both of us have so many memories that are somehow connected to watching the show back in the 90s. I actually used to think Jamie Walters was the cutest guy. Hey, gimme a break, I was 14 at the time. Can't believe it's been 14 years. I've doubled my age!

Yes, that's right, six pages of pretty much ready text to my MA thesis today. That's some achievement, I'm pretty proud of myself. :-) I'm writing on the Riot Grrrl Movement and the misrepresentation of the movement in the mainstream media. So, basically it's all about punk rock and feminism, whatever you can make out of that combination! I think I'll eventually get my Master's, but, oh boy, oh boy, it's been some journey! Don't even let me get started...

Just wanted to tell this to someone. Maybe it'll encourage me to be even more productive. :-) Have a great one, everybody!

I put my thinking cap on tonight. Just to try it on, I guess, because I didn't really have any special questions I needed answered. Or so I thought. I just watched the season premiere of the L Word, and was slightly disappointed. Nothing major, just didn't like the fact that Jenny's death was shown at the beginning, when it could've been saved to the time it actually took place, instead of the episode now jumping back to previous events.

I'm rambling, I wasn't supposed write about the L Word here, but I guess it was evident, since it's the quintessential show to get my brain working. Strange, perhaps, but darn effective. I got my L.A. dreams going again, which isn't exactly new, but I always tend to ignore them after a while because of the obvious issue called the green card. I have this huge need to experience, live life to the max, have fun, and meet crazy, adventurous people, but at the same time, it gets me worrying. I think maybe there's something I'm trying to keep hidden so bad that the urge to run away from my life keeps leaking through the holes of my deceit. Sometimes I'm positive about the kind of person that I am, but the next day I may find myself equally baffled.

I'm pretty sure I'm manic depressive, slightly, I guess, since I don't have any acute need for medication. Actually, I have a diagnosis, too, it's just that I haven't wanted to admit that it's true, but I guess I should. This past Saturday, I found myself in an ugly rut, reminiscent of all the ugly ruts I've been in during the past couple of years of my life. I forced myself to open my eyes to realize that I wasn't in that rut because of my utter and complete weakness, even though that had been my initial understanding of the situation. No, I was in it because that's how my moods function. Up and down they go, and there's really no stopping them (except chemically, yes, but who the hell wants to live with the side effects??). So I figured, what the hell, I can do this. I may be in a rut right now, but I can turn it around and get back up on my feet.

And so I did. Sometimes I think there's something TERRIBLY wrong with me, I mean mentally, but when I fight back kicking and screaming, and actually change my situation for the better, I feel like a genius. The truth probably lies somewhere in between the, but what I do know is that so far my life's never got boring. So, if you ever catch me saying that, you'll know that I'm lying. :-)

I'm listening to Vixen and Joan Jett, my heavy metal queens, and it's as good a night as ever. Thanks for the space to write my thoughts on. I needed that.

Peace, Suzy