...nostalgia. I love watching old and not-so-old TV shows that I used to follow religiously in my childhood, teens, etc. I get these funny flashbacks about things that were going on in my life then and get to reflect my life as it is now through the good ol' times. It's a real kick. Strangely, these shows seem so much better now because of the nostalgia factor. So, what it all boils down to is my being a little nutty. I love old stuff.

My old TV show du jour is "Beverly Hills, 90210", or as it was originally known in Finland, "L.A. Beat". I'm through the better half of season 7, but don't get me wrong, I didn't just watch all those previous season. It's been a process of a couple of months, maybe even an entire year. However, the show is wonderful, because it makes me feel all warm, cozy, and at ease. Yeah, I know - it's cheezy and it's all about adults playing teens, but there's still some magical qualities to it. It's comforting and soothing to think that problems are almost always solved before the end of the episode. I'm not sure but maybe I'm hoping that would be the case in real life, too. That people, despite their flaws, are benelovent. That there's a happy ending to each heartbreak. That women wake up with perfectly made up faces.

On that last note, I'm also a sucker for glamor. Big time. That's why I love film noir, i.e. stylish black and white movies of the 40's and 50's. Women whose curls are perfect, whose suits are impeccable, who hold a cigarette holder in their elegant hands that are clad in long gloves. I happen to think that "Beverly Hills, 90210" was about glamor, as well. Maybe not as much dramatically but at least as a fantasy. Brandon and Brenda came to L.A. with an idea of living in town where everything would be possible. Where people were beautiful and self-confident. From an early age, I could relate to that idea, so glamor was a big part of the appeal of the show. I guess that makes me an escapist, as well. Judging what I've just written, the evidence seems pretty overwhelming.

The countdown to my 30th birthday has now officially begun. As of the first of this year. But I guess that won't really make matters any worse, since I'm not planning on growing up anytime soon. All my school mates from junior high and high school are having a ton of kids, but I'm not sure whether that's ever gonna be anything for me. I don't really consider myself the motherly type. Besides, I've had enough problems of my own, and I don't want to pass those onto the next generation. Or maybe I'm just plain selfish, not wanting to focus on parenthood.

I was looking for some fun, observant quotes in honor of the new year. It seems that those that came my way were perhaps written more so in dishonor of it. Here's one of my new favorites:

"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." ~P.J. O'Rourke

Pretty well sums up what the holiday season means to us Finns. Too many drinks and too little real communication and candidness. It seems we're good at expressing ourselves only when we're drunk. Except for me, of course. I'm the exception to every imaginable stereotype about Finns.

I'm still in a rut. I finished my MA Thesis over a week ago, but it hasn't really made things better. I keep feeling melancholic about myself day after day. It seems I don't have any friends, I keep having conflicts with my boyfriend and my sister, and the eating disorder has yet again raised its ugly head. I'm so tired of this cycle that lifts me up only to bring me down.

I wish I had a simple answer, a straightforward solution to all of this. I wish I could quit cold turkey everything that's been making me feel unhappy and uncomfortable. But at the same time I know that there are numerous things that would have to change, and I'm feeling weak in front of such a challenge. Basically, I would have to go back to my childhood in my thoughts and feelings in order to make things right. I don't want to do that. A three-year therapy is enough, especially since I don't know whether it took me anywhere.

Every day I find myself telling me that I should be happy. That there are many things in my life that should make me glad. But they don't. And repeating this in my head only makes me feel guilty because I'm not happy. The fact that I'm complaining about my life right now is also making me feel guilty.

I'm sad. This is not me. This is not who I want to be. Why can't I be proud of myself for having accomplished something?

Or, a change would do me good. I'm tired of the same old, same old. I work sporadically, try to write my MA Thesis to get it done during the summer, go out every now and then, and feel uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time. It's sad, my life's becoming boring. I don't feel old but my life seems "old". That's a strange feeling, like watching myself from the outside. At times, I feel bold, colorful, spontaneous, kind of wacky, that is I feel like myself. Other times, I'm in a rut, just staying inside, watching TV, not seeing much anyone except for my boyfriend.

I would like to change my life around. Get rid of the hate relationship I have with my body. Do things that I really WANT to do, not the things that I SHOULD do... I'm pretty disappointed with life right now. When I was around 14 or 15, I had great expectations. I was planning all those wonderful things that I would do, how I'd educate myself, spend time with interesting people, have my own horse etc. Yes, a lot of that stuff has come true, but I can't help feeling an emptiness within me. Is this really all there is to it? I was hoping for it to be so much more special.

A change would really do me good. I need to do something, maybe something drastic, so that I'll feel alive again. I don't want to sell myself short.

90210, that is. I watched a couple of the first episodes last fall and didn't think that much of them. Actually, I found the acting pretty mediocre and the casting kind of off, but now that I've "reconnected" with the show on TV, I've actually started to LIKE it.

I know why. It's a nostalgia trip for me. Kelly, Brenda, Donna, Dylan, Brandon... Wow, they were like my friends when I was in elementary and junior high. I really dug the original 90210, and bringing the characters from that show back on TV is just so much fun for me. I can't resist them! Haha, I must be a little weird, but I'm such a sucker for nostalgia, for good ol' times.

At the same time, me and my boyfriend have been watching reruns of Beverly Hills, 90210 and we've had such a blast! Both of us have so many memories that are somehow connected to watching the show back in the 90s. I actually used to think Jamie Walters was the cutest guy. Hey, gimme a break, I was 14 at the time. Can't believe it's been 14 years. I've doubled my age!