Life's big questions

I put my thinking cap on tonight. Just to try it on, I guess, because I didn't really have any special questions I needed answered. Or so I thought. I just watched the season premiere of the L Word, and was slightly disappointed. Nothing major, just didn't like the fact that Jenny's death was shown at the beginning, when it could've been saved to the time it actually took place, instead of the episode now jumping back to previous events.

I'm rambling, I wasn't supposed write about the L Word here, but I guess it was evident, since it's the quintessential show to get my brain working. Strange, perhaps, but darn effective. I got my L.A. dreams going again, which isn't exactly new, but I always tend to ignore them after a while because of the obvious issue called the green card. I have this huge need to experience, live life to the max, have fun, and meet crazy, adventurous people, but at the same time, it gets me worrying. I think maybe there's something I'm trying to keep hidden so bad that the urge to run away from my life keeps leaking through the holes of my deceit. Sometimes I'm positive about the kind of person that I am, but the next day I may find myself equally baffled.

I'm pretty sure I'm manic depressive, slightly, I guess, since I don't have any acute need for medication. Actually, I have a diagnosis, too, it's just that I haven't wanted to admit that it's true, but I guess I should. This past Saturday, I found myself in an ugly rut, reminiscent of all the ugly ruts I've been in during the past couple of years of my life. I forced myself to open my eyes to realize that I wasn't in that rut because of my utter and complete weakness, even though that had been my initial understanding of the situation. No, I was in it because that's how my moods function. Up and down they go, and there's really no stopping them (except chemically, yes, but who the hell wants to live with the side effects??). So I figured, what the hell, I can do this. I may be in a rut right now, but I can turn it around and get back up on my feet.

And so I did. Sometimes I think there's something TERRIBLY wrong with me, I mean mentally, but when I fight back kicking and screaming, and actually change my situation for the better, I feel like a genius. The truth probably lies somewhere in between the, but what I do know is that so far my life's never got boring. So, if you ever catch me saying that, you'll know that I'm lying. :-)

I'm listening to Vixen and Joan Jett, my heavy metal queens, and it's as good a night as ever. Thanks for the space to write my thoughts on. I needed that.

Peace, Suzy