My Life

Have any of you guys ever been stuck in the past. What I mean by this is have you ever asked yourself, what would have happened if I would have done this? Why didn't I do this? Why did I do this? Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about my past. When someone asks me whether I had a great childhood, I don't know how to respond, because yes I did love some things about my childhood, but I hated myself as a child.

Just so you guys can get a grasp for who I am in real life, I like to think myself as mild mannered yet at the same time an extrovert, sometimes a bit arrogant. Ever since I started elementary school, my attitude and personality went on a bit of a downward spiral that would continue to get more and more drastic as the years went by. This would including screaming at people, threatening someone to put them on a non-existent hit-list, being very stupid and act out like someone who had severe ADHD or OCD, and explode on contact to anybody who dared insult me. Yeah, people hated me, and I don't blame them, I despise the person that I was between 1998 and 2005.

I just sometimes wish I could go back in time and fix all the mistakes I ever did in my past. For starters, I want to stop my sixth grade self from embarrassing myself in front of the whole student body by being a prick and deciding it would be a bright idea to let everyone know that anyone who insults me will be sorry. I also want to go back to the time in 1994 when I was just four years old when I hurt this little girl by destroying her property and anything that she might cherish. Go back in time, and stop myself from getting angry at those who simply just wanted to be my friend and refused them because I was called Juan instead of Juancarlos. Go back in time and retain myself from asking out a girl who already had a boyfriend. Stop myself from getting suspended in middle school for getting in a fight. Stop myself from being such an annoying prick towards people. Stop myself from making racist comments. Basically just fix all the errors that I have committed in the past.

However, the one thing that I am proud of is that I'm not that person anymore. I am glad that everyone sees me as a new and improved, and different individual than what I was during my freshman year in High School. I am glad that I stopped hurting people so much, but in the process hurt myself for thinking of everything I used to do wrong.

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Because of my attitude, I had created so many enemies, that my family had to relocate to a new district in Houston just because of me in 2002. I've come in contact with a couple of individuals who I haven't seen in years ever since I moved, and am happy that we have all matured in to better individuals.

Several times during my life, I have had nightmares over the destruction I had caused to the little girl's heart 14 years ago. My actions did not bother me at all, until the far reaching consequences eventually got to me during my early teens. It's funny, because even though I may not have done anything wrong for quite a while, the consequences of my actions eventually got to me and to this day I still feel like I have killed several people, and it's not a good feeling.

Have any of you guys ever had problem that you wish never happened? Have you ever dwelled on the past? Speak out!