I am the most badass living thing in the universe. Don't believe me? Read on and be proven wrong. I am the son of a badass lumberjack and a boulder. That's right, my dad is so badass that he will only have sex with boulders for two reasons: -He rates incredibly high on the colon-stomping scale -His undoubtebly enormous penis would rip any oridnary woman in half. When I was just a little boy I was only given lit sticks of dynamite to play with. This quickly turned me into one tough son of a bitch. For my 13th birthday, my dad surprised me by kicking me off a cliff and throwing 15 hatchets at me as I fell. When I was hungry, my dad would not give me food, but a toothpick, and send me out into the woods to hunt grizzly bears. If I brought home anything less than a 250 pound grizzly bear, my dad would beat me, stab me, and send me back out into the woods with only half a toothpick. I once headbutt an oncoming freight train just for pissing me off, and then I ate said train out of spite. My hobbies include eating rusty flaming knives, and spiking babies. In the time I spend not beating the ass of my arch-nemesis, Captain Hippy, I work for demolitons companies, smashing buildings with his face. I told you I was badass