One of my uncles finally snapped. He gets work only by the occasional good will of others, mostly from a lack of trying. All he has had going in his life for decades is drugs, so it was going to take its toll sooner or later. Admittedly, he probably could've been let down a little more gently, but its been brought on by himself.

My grandparents got word that he wasn't doing well, so they sent his brother in to see what was going on. He walked in to the house (formerly my late great uncles', but lent to my uncle to get him on his feet) and was greeted by the strench of rot. The place was covered in decayed food and who knows what else. My uncle was there waiting.

His brother asked how he was doing. He got a response that went along the lines of "I'm going to kill myself. But first, two people need to die." Shortly after that, he grabbed a butcher's knife and went after his brother. He wasn't too limber at the time (he's usually on painkillers), so he was not able to do any damage. He never named who the two people were, butI suspect one was his brother.

The police finally came and took my uncle away. No charges were pressed. All they could do was institutionalize him. Due to a Florida law, he'll be out in 72 hours.

I was watching a Race to Witch Mountain commercial between small bursts of Thank You for Smoking today, when I think I may have discovered two long lost twins.

The first is Cameron Bright from Thank You for Smoking fame.

The second is AnnaSophia Robb from Race to Witch Mountain.

Don't see the resemblance? How about now...

I thought so. They are either twins separated at birth or perhaps even the same actor? The plot thickens...

I don't have too much more to say on the subject. I just got an email from the church of atheism and I thought it was pretty funny.

"Hello Reverend,

We have updated our site, and as a member you may want to log in and
re-enter some profile information, or just check out the new look.

I hope you enjoy the new interface, let us know by email if you find any
glitches.

http://firstchurchofatheism.com/


Do Not Reply To This Message"

It's ironically a lot like prayer. You can talk, but nobody is listening.

As I'm sure everybody already knows, Obama's inauguration ceremony was Tuesday. Contrary to popular belief, world peace is not yet achieved, world hunger still exists, and I still have to wipe my ass after I ****.

But thats not to say that nothing changed immediately. Obama's inauguration generated the greatest simultaneous viewing of a streamed event in history. CNN reported that 7,700,000 people viewed the ceremony its peak feature: Obama's speach, which lasted about 19 minutes.

Now lets think about this. The ceremony was on a weekday during work hours. Many viewers stopped working to view it. Those are productive hours that Obama is costing us. 7,700,000 people watching for 19 minutes (but you know they watched John Williams conduct Yo Yo Ma and Aretha Franklin mutilate a cherished song of patriotism) comes to 146,300,000 minutes. Thats 2438333.33 hours. The national wage average is $18.83. So overall, that is $45,913,816.67 in productive hours.

So thanks, Obama. You cost the American economy 46 million dollars in productivity during a major depression. I'm glad our nation is back on track.

So it was recently brought to my attention that there is a church of atheism. Really? Is it that necessary? I have nothing against atheists (I am one), but making a church about it seems pathetic. What do they do at churches of atheism? Not Pray? Well, part of my question was answered. They have their ministers perform weddings, funerals, and commitment ceremonies.

Ministers of atheism? It is not exactly an elite club. In fact, I even managed to join their ranks. I went on to their website and got ordained. I can now perform weddings and funerals. Now I just have to pay to get the hard copy...

Think I'm kidding? http://firstchurchofatheism.com/become-ordained/

It's getting to be that time of year with a lot of family gatherings. There's Halloween (yes, my relatives gather on Halloween ), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all in a row. It's inevitable that there will be the usual loaner relatives that I've never met which stop by every few decades.

These loaners do one of the most annoying things I can think of. They say things like "Oh, you have your grandfather's chin" or "You have your mother's eyes". It's like they are playing Mr. Potato Head; trying to assemble my face by grabbing other features from around the room.

I realize they are trying to make conversation. But the annoying part is that its not so much making conversation with me as it is making conversation about me right infront of my face. Its not like I go around pretending that they are Frankenstein's monster. "Oh, you have your mother's bad knee". "You have your father's cranium". I think that "How's it going?" works much better.

I was pulled over again last night, but managed to only get a warning. It got me thinking. I have been pulled over numerous times. Quite frankly, I'm baffled by the fact that I've never even gotten a ticket yet. Its not just the number of times that I've been pulled over, but the stupid crap I end up saying to the cop. If I were in their shoes, I would have given myself a ticket for being dumb enough to say this stuff. I figure Ill list my top 3.

Apologetic
So I'm going 60 in a 35 and spot a cop in a speed trap. I slow down, but to no avail. The lights flash and I pull over. After the initial licence and registration crap, the officer says "Sir, are you aware that you were doubling the speed limit? Children ride their bikes on this road." It was my first time getting pulled over and all I could think to say was "I'm sorry" in probably the least convincing voice I could have mustered if I tried. The cop had just lectured me on killing kids and all I could come up with was "I'm sorry". I guess "I'm sorry" can make anything better.

The Dude
This happened last night. Besides getting pulled over for running a stop sign (which was bs. I definately slowed down), everything was going pretty smoothly. I didn't argue with cop over the bogus pull over and he let me off with a warning. Then I said it. "Thanks, dude. It won't happen again, dude. Really, thanks, dude. Have a good night, dude." I didn't realise i had been that air-headed until my friend mentioned it as I drove away. Dude? Even if you ignore how reduntant it was, it was still stupid. Who the hell calls a cop "dude"? How can a cop have any semblance of authority when he's being called "dude"?

Playing Stupid Stupidly
We were picking up a friend who lived 40 minutes away and I didn't really feel like driving. I got to a waste of an intersection (nobody ever comes the other way anyways) and figured I'd run the light. A cop was waiting in a country store parking lot. Lights, licence, registration-everyone knows the deal. "Sir, are you aware that you just went 40 through that red light?" I had been in a criminal justice c l a s s a few days ago on officer discrecion in traffic stops. One of the strategies was Socratic Questioning. I figured there was no way that would work. But I had just speed through a red light, and there was no way I was going to get off the hook. So why not? "I did?", I asked. "Sir, have you been drinking?" The cop scanned around the car with his flashlight and found no empties. That was when he had enough. He warned me to obey red lights and went back to his cruiser. I still think Socratic Questioning is bull and the cop just didn't want his coffee to get cold.

Well, Ill be answering the main line at my work for the next few days. In honor of this this enormously sucky occasion, I will be listing things that suck about telephones.

People that Shout
So I hear the phone ring and pick it up. My eardrum is kindly greeted with "HHHHHEEELLO!AMIMAKINGYOUREARBLEEDYET???" Seriously, what the hell? Do people not realise that the phone is put in contact with the ear for a reason? You know, so I can hear the other person speaking clearly. The last thing that I want is Godzilla calling my line.

People that Don't Know what they Are Talking About
So to redirect somebody I need either the last name of the person they want to speak to, the first name and their department, an extension, or, you know, just a ****ing reason for calling. "Hi, I'd like to speak to Bob" just isn't going to get you very far. I've actually taken the time to count the 53 Bobs at work. Want me to close my eyes and pick one for you? No? Then figure out who you need and call back.

People that Needlessly Call in Noisy Environments
Im drawing the line. I am hanging up on the next person that decides to call apparently during their autistic child's tuba practice. I'll hang up without even bothering to distinguish what they are saying from the unintelligible audio mess going on around them. Its just stupid. Go on your cell phone and call from a different location, use a phone in a different room, or maybe just turn off the radio while you use the telephone.

Computer Recorded Callers
Have you noticed a pattern in my previous things that suck about telephones? They were all people. I'd think that the telephone (oddly similar to the atom bomb) wouldn't be so bad without people...if it weren't for recorded messages automatically calling my line. There's nothing worse than working up my fake happy phone voice only to have a machine answer the phone that doesn't give a **** anyway. There's that inhuman machine voice saying "Your call is important to us. Please hold for a very important message about your credit card." Thats when i think "****ing Telephones." Its why I'm confident that when a machine finally takes over this mundane part of my job, It's going to somehow hate it just as much as I do.

So i was driving home a few days ago when I saw the most hideous thing my eyes have ever had the displeasure of glancing upon. It was one of those mini geo trackers. Some wierdo had the balls to paint it purple (you could tell it was once another color) and get a flame design along the side (I'm guessing that doesnt come standard). Not only that, but they got a custom spare tire cover that read "One Bad Mini". The person driving it was definately a dude. Why do people have to do this crap to their already annoying cars? I felt the urge to rear end it out into the middle of the intersection and watch the world be rid of that monstrosity.

On another note, the campus store screwed me again. They would only buy back one of my books. I'm left atleast $500 short of what i spent. And Amazon couldn't get a price worth bothering. So what was I supposed to do? I had to get some sort satisfaction out of the whole process. Well I did the only reasonable thing and set the bible I bought for my bible theology class ablaze. I think that many publishers are trying to prevent this. Even though it was a paper back and the pages were flimsy even by paper standards, it took a while to really catch on fire. I think they coat bibles with some sort of retardent chemical to stop bible burning. Anyway, atleast I got the bad taste out of mouth about nobody buying back anything.

Ever have one of those situations where somebody gets your name wrong, but you aren't sure whether to tell them or not? I'm having one of those right now. My macroeconomics professor always calls me Mr. ... and can remember my incredibly long last name perfectly. But he was handing back exams ( and what the hell? my whole friggen name is right on it ) and he calls me John instead of my actual first name. Figuring he was obviously messing around, I just laughed a bit. Well he took my laughter as something other than a response to a joke. He went on about how we shouldn't be happy with anything less than a 90. I didn't want to call him out in front of the class so I didn't really say anything.

Well a few days ago, I saw him on my way to lecture. I was running late and i had to do a presentation on the lecture so i was kind of in a hurry. As he walked by he said "Hello, John." with a completely straight look on his face. Again, i was in too much of a hurry to really go into it, so I just said Hi.

Now I'm wondering if I should just tell him. I realise that this whole dilema is incredbly stupid, but its been on my mind for a while. I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Seinfeld.

So apparently the pope has been busy in America lately, making stops attending various events. I'm not a Christian, so I normally wouldn't give a damn. However, I am currently attending a Catholic college and all the professors love this stuff. So far, I've missed two classes because my professors wanted to check out the events and give their students the same opportunity. I haven't checked out any of the papal praising festivities, but thats not the point. The point is that I get to skip classes. So I think I speak for everybody in a similar situation when I say that the pope can cross the pond any time he wants.

"Raise tha roof!"

It was announced a while ago that the greatest gaming series to ever grace the earth, the MGS series, is getting a movie. Well since the news broke that Christian Bale would be onboard for playing Snake should the movie happen, there hasnt been much else to go on. So I've decided to make my own news and start my own casting. This is normally were I'd put some sort of spoiler warning, but nobody reads these anyway.

Writer

Kojima would obviously have to contribute. However, since this would be his first venture into western movie making, it would best to give him a co-writer. In this case, I'll go with two: the Wachowski Brothers. They have a wide knowledge of western tastes and would greatly compliment Kojima. They modern and stylized universe in the matrix trilogy (hopefully we get more matrix than reloaded or revolutions this time). However, their interpretation and screenwriting of V for Vendetta is what really sells me on this combo. They took the politically driven comic (important here, since MGS is manga-like) and adapted it smoothly to the big screen.

Director

John Woo would be my choice. His action sequences combine tecniques found in MGS cutscenes such as slow-motion, stand offs, and highly choreographed battles. He is also known for the occasional soft spot in his characters. The modern atmosphere of his movies would also contribute well to the MGS series.

Snake

I wouldnt argue with the choice for Christian Bale. He's got the nerd-cred from playing batman (who's voice happens to sound similar to snake's). He has also put forth solid acting in other roles as well as having a bit of a western background in 3:10 to Yuma.

Revolver Ocelot

Ocelot was obviously influenced by western movies. Who better to play Ocelot than the biggest badass of the western genre, Clint Eastwood? He also has the gravelly voice down (think heartbreak hill). He can also be ruthless and menacing such as his Dirty Harry character.

Liquid

Jason Isaacs is a pretty easy choice here for me. His most recognisable role was as British Colonel William Tavington in The Patriot. He plays his arrogant and ruthless character well. He also has a light british accent (which always confused me about Liquid's character). His modern military role credits include Windtalkers and Blackhawk Down.

Colonol Cambell

Chris Cooper is Colonel Cambell. He meshes military higher up with father figure and plays both roles. He military roles include Alexander Conklin in the Bourne Series, Harry Burwell in The Patriot, Grant Sykes in The Kingdom, and Kazinski in Jarhead. He also plays Homer's father in October Sky (important since Cambell has an almost father-like attribute to his relationship to Snake).

Raiden

Raiden was basically Kojima's attempt to real in the female audience to the MGS games. This is one of the reasons why I would pick Leonardo D'caprio. He made his early career off of this type of role. However Raiden is always struggling between his personal feeilings and his obligation to do his mission. This is where D'caprio's later career really comes into play. Both his roles in Gangs of New Yark and The Departed reflect this element of Raiden's character.

Meryl

Meryl is driven but seemingly weak at the beggining of MGS but slowly becomes a stronger character as the series progesses. The actress to play Meryl must show the ability to play weak, driven, and strong characters. Charlize Theron is a solid choice. Her focused lock picking character in the Italian Job reflects the drive in Meryl's character. While her role in Monster is certainly a stronger character. She also plays a decidely weaker character with a large burden in North Country.

Hal Emmerich

Otacon is supportive, physically weak, and nerdy. However, his nerdyness is mostly from his love of anime and the resulting obsessio with mechs. But you can bet for sure that the anime reference wont get through to an american film. So I'm betting that the movie manifestion of Hal Emmerich wont be as nerdy. Justin Long would seem to be the easy pick. However, he is not that great of an actor. Plus, the nerdy aspect of the character he always plays would not be as beneficial for the MGS movie. So in this case, I am going out on a limb here and picking a black Hal Emmerich. My choice is Don Cheadle. For starters, he is a much better actor than Long. Also, his past work really does mesh well with Otacon's character. In Hotel Rwanda, he is incredibly believable as inteligent and caring. In Volcano, he plays a support character who gives technical information to the main character (much like Otacon) and does so extremely well.

Vamp

The obvious choice here is Antonio Banderas. He can get the flamboyant yet violent aspect down like he does in most of his roles (think desperado with a hint of zoro). But he can also be a bit creepy like in Interview with the Vampire where he was actually a vampire.

I know im incredibly late with this, but New Line Cinema is no longer an independent studio. Instead, all the big shots at Time Warner will be calling the shots. So for this blog, i salute New Line Cinema and all its glory as an independent studio. We may never again see movies of such a high calibur. Here are some of the finest works in american cinema:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yep, your most beloved cartoon and action figure (not dolls dammit!) franchise got its own live action movie thanks to the folks at New Line. In fact, it was so incredibly awesome that it got a sequel with the subtitle "the secret of the ooze." People everywhere took notice. Yes, this includes the musical genius, Vanilla Ice. He contributed to the soundtrack. The film earned yet another sequel that even included time travel.

Surf Ninjas

So ninjas are pretty cool, right? But sometimes they get a little uptight with their "honorable deaths" and such. Well New Line solved this issue. They combined the awesomeness of ninjas with the laid back mentality of surfers. What do you get? SURF NINJAS!

Awesome Trailer

Snakes on a Plane

What do you get when you mix snakes and flying? You get the most horrifying film ever created. Move over The Exorcist, Snakes on a Plane has snakes crawling into people and eating them from the inside out! The only comforting part of the movie is that Samuel L. Jackson is there, so you know everybody will be okay.

You know the line

So thanks for the memories New Line. We hardly knew ye.

the first day that i made an account, i said to myself "a blog, eh? ill have to start mine soon, probably tomorrow." well over a year and a half later, here goes. this will be where i put all the normal blog crap and maybe a few book and movie reviews.

i have officially found the most distracting thing ever. im sitting at my desk, taking my exam for macroeconomics. its not that hard and im doing pretty well. everything is quiet and im still writing down answers. suddenly i hear something rustling next to me. the kid next to me has his hand in his pants. it wasnt even just resting half his hand using his wasteline as a pocket, al bundy style. he was up to his elbows scratching (i hoped) away. it was damn impossible to think about aggregate supply and demand with that going on. well this goes on almost 10 minutes and i couldnt even look over at him to whisper "what the hell, dude?" making eye contact while he was doing that would likely put me in a vegitative state atleast until the test period was over. i dont know if you have seen terry shivo in her later years, but she didnt seem to be in a very good test taking state. well he finally stopped and i got back to my test...for a little while. a few minutes later, i heard an even more horrific sound. i briefly glimpse over to my side and the same kid has his pen in his mouth. no, he wasnt just biting the cap of his pen. he was sucking the damn thing off, making these horrible slurping noises. i died a little bit inside. i just started writing answers down as fast as i could. i dont even remember half of what i wrote. hopefully, i didnt do that bad. ill have to wait for my professor to get the tests back.

mark this date on your calender. i made a blog entry. i dont know when i will make update it again. probably tomorrow...