Hey guys...so, just a few things I want to blab about. =)

First off, I've got to get it out! Who freakin' saw the season finale of LOCI on Sunday? OMFG, I swear I'm still hyperventilating over it. I just don't know what to think about it! Just wow! So much. Glad we finally found out about Gorens father...though I couldn't help but speculate before (duh, who didn't?). So yeah...I'm sure the ones that saw it, know all the smut about it =) What an ending. Total 10/10! I can't wait to see how the season opener will be after that. Gosh, what more can they do to poor Goren?! Any thoughts?

"Purgatory."

So...yeah, I'm leaving either tomorrow or Friday. Pretty much whenever I want. I could've left today, but eh, I didn't. So yeah, I'll have no internet where I'm going...but I am bringing my lap top...duh! I might take some pics...if I do, I'll post 'em when I get back. I get home Tuesday night (maybe). Unless I stay longer. So...this is just perfect:

Ahh, btw, guess what I got to take on vacation with me. I don't know how I've done it, but I've held off. I got season 3 of LOCI in the mail. I ordered it off Bestbuy.com as well as "Happy Accidents." I'll take both of those along with me so that I can watch something at night...*Cough if I'm sober enough Cough* Ha Ha. Yeah, Anderson Island is a party place =)

No, this is not the cover of LOCI season 3. This is the cover for the video game.

So, you know what I'm looking forward to? It's been a while. House. Ha Ha. I miss the smart a**! I have all 3 seasons on DVD, but I'm ready for some new episode. Anyone know what I mean. I haven't heard too much about it...just the previews I've seen on TV. Hope it continues to do well. I can't wait until Sept though. I'm good and ready!

Well...I believe I could go on forever, but I shall stop for now. Hope all is well!

~Snyder~

Warning: Yeah, you know me and my language. I have...well, a potty-mouth to say the least. Just to warn you ahead of time...It's kind of...depressing.

So...I believe I am truly f*cked up. Not just in the...oh f*ck it. Just believe me. So, you want to hear about my boyfriend...well, here it goes...in a not-so-good-blog (sorry).

He's great...he's wonderful...and now I feel like I'm in a Rodney Dangerfield movie (The Ladybugs)..."I'm Great, I'm Wonderful, Everybody Loves me." *Rolls eyes* So, where was I? Oh yes, more or less, the best B/F I've had. Truly. He always buys me things...surprised me on my birthday when I felt like sh*t with a stuffed Pug (stuffed animal...not an actual pug) *Rolls eyes again* and a dozed roses. I've never had roses before. Honest. Every time we go to the bar, he pays unless I sneak up earlier and pay ahead of time *Sneaky grin* or whip my cash or card out first. But, that's not what really makes him great. I don't need to be treated like a queen. In fact, I sometimes hate it. It makes me feel guilty. Oh yes, I have a very guilty conscience. I'm not that kind of woman. I don't feel...comfortable at times with it...not that I hate it either. It makes me feel loved and wanted...which means I can't make up my mind. I just feel the need to have an...equal share in it. Know what I mean? I believe the "older" people around will know what I mean...know offence to anyone.

So...now that we've got the..."gifts" and "treatment" part out of the way...heres where I fail as a G/F. I feel the need to...damn, I don't even know what to call myself. A b*tch possibly? Not sure that takes into account everything either. I just...I'm flawed, I'm f*cked up...and it's unfair to him. He cares about me...actually cares about me in a way that I just don't understand. Now, how am I flawed? Because I don't feel that I deserve that kind of tender care. I don't feel that anyone should care about me. I feel that I'm not good enough for anyone, especially him. I've tried to push him away for the past 3 months now, and god-dammit, he's stayed. You think the man had had enough by now. I've told him on numerous occasions that he can do better. I guess not. I guess there is something special about me. Not sure if thats a good thing or not, but I just cannot recognize it. Not sure why, either. I've always been very hard on myself at whatever I do. Its a curse I've discovered. I believe it started with my competitiveness in sports. It was my life. And now look. Not so good. It is, in some respects, but not about life in general. I need to draw a line somewhere...and I can't. And it's literally killing my life. Its killer on...well, everything. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. That I don't deserve anything good in my life. Why? I'm not sure why all this came about, but I know I've been this way for years and years. I feel like I'm falling, and don't deserve to be rescued. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy the simple things in life...but I can't. I don't know what to do. I can't explain it to people either because they'll think I'm even crazier. I mean, wtf is wrong? It is depressing. I won't deny it. It's dark...but at times, I welcome it. But this...this relationship...wtf am I supposed to do about it? I don't express myself well in person. Sure, online is a different thing. I can pour my heart out in a blog, email, even a text message, but once I'm in person...well, I tighten up. I close myself off from the world. Ahh, another thing I can mention to my shrink.

I guess, at least I realize whats wrong. I've tried to pull myself out of it...but I just can't. I've been told by so many people that I'm hard on myself. That I need to be happy. That I need to focus on the things I've accomplished. I got a letter in the mail from CWU (Central Washington University) about 3 weeks ago that I'm on the Deans list now. I was happy, at first, but then decided that I could do better. So much for that sh*t. Can I ever be proud of myself...or will I always have to focus on the bad in my life. I'll admit, I definitely do not have it bad. Not by a long shot...so then, why am I like this? I'm not sure.

So...back to the boyfriend "problem." Is there a problem. He keeps saying its him. That he's the one thats, and I quote, "f*cking this whole thing up." I can't help but laugh, and then cry at the same time. Not even close. It's me. It's me and I can't even describe how its me. When I'm talking to someone, when it's not in person...it's so much easier than when I'm talking face to face with someone. It's like, I'm a totally different, depressed, miserable person that you wouldn't really recognize. I have built a wall up around me...with re-enforcement that no one can penetrate. Not so good, but its the safe thing to do. If no one knows me, if no one gets me, then no one will get close to me. No one will figure out how truly messed up I am. I only hope that some day I can start to enjoy life. That I can see the better side of people, of life, but most importantly, myself.

I can't even sleep anymore. I don't know why. Nothings working and I honestly can say that I feel worthless at this point in my life. I've accomplished a lot I guess, but I'll have none of that. I try to sleep, but not so good. I get head aches...I'm constantly dizzy now. F*ck it all.

Wel, I'll have more later, but I think I covered the basic for now. Sorry this is so...not happy. I have pics of my B/F, his name is Brooks. I'll post them later though...and more info about that later. I guess, an update to see how things are going. For now, hope all is well.

~Snyder~

Yeah...so I got sick of staring at the same pics for a while...not that they weren't hot or anything =) LOL Anyways, I finally stopped being lazy an re-did it all. =)

So...new banner above...new blog pic profile thing. Not really sure what its called, but I know its under the blog options. LOL And then, of course, I changed what my blog pics that are underneath i.e. everytime I post a blog. I don't really blog much anymore, only on the LOCI forum now, but I really got sick of that one! So I HAD to change it. =)

Anyways, if you like VOD, then you should like the changes since it's mostly him. House is in there too but I took out CSI all together. I'm just so sad that WP is leaving the show that I'm pretty much protesting now! Ha Ha.

~Snyder~

Ok...so this is another remodel update...but first...how are you guys? Hope all is well. Sorry I haven't really been on much this past week =/ That's why I haven't been reading many blogs lately and comment on them. =/

So...will the remodel end? Not likely anytime soon.

So, guess what now!? My mom and dad...well, more my dad rather than my mom, decided to add a loft above the kitchen. It's never ending! LOL So...more to add now! Grr. I mean, it's going to be cool and all, but wow. Just more stuff. I don't have any recent pics yet...I have to upload them, but what a mess! ...Still! The counter tops were put on a few days ago. All is...was coming along nicely...but now it's all haulted until the upstairs loft do-dad is done. Just...wow! So yeah...more pics soon!

~Snyder~

Ok guys....so I got some pics here that are pretty random. It's a mess in our house, but I have a few of before and then some of a bit after (but not even close to being done). LOL So yeah...here the pics I promised you so far...

Oh, and sorry the pictures kind of suck because they were so big when I uploaded them, that I had to shrink them by "hand" and it made them all...funky. =)

Ok...so this pic...thers already one cabinet removed...which you can more than likely see in the middle pic LOL....but is before...before we started ripping most sh*t up. LOL

Another pic before....

Another pic...some of our dinner room and kitchen.

Kind of a dark...warped pic thanks to my skills of shrinking the pic...but I think you get it. LOL

SO...A LITTLE BIT AFTER THE PICS ABOVE WERE TAKIN'...

So yeah...the carpet is all ripped up...and it's all snowy white looking everywhere because the whole house was just painted...that's why the floor looks weird. On the right of the refrigerator, there use to be a door, but we closed it in.

So, that's about it right now. I have more pics, but its basically the same right now. So, as of now, our house looks different but I have yet to take new pics of it. We have some of the new cabinets in now...but we're waiting for the floor to be put in.

Once a little more gets done...I shall post more pics to update. =) Yay!

~Snyder~