I loathe tv.com. I tried extremely hard to be open minded when TV Tome sold out and everything moved to this abbhorant site, but it never grew on me. Despite that, I stayed on, fought the moronic, confusing, 19-step forms and tried to continue contributing. In the middle of last year, around the same time the damn ads became rampant ("click here to continue to TV.com") I began having log in issues. Every time I came to this site, I had to log in, and after clicking through three pages, I'd inexplicably be logged out. My cookies are set and I have no problems with other sites -- there's absolutely no reason it should've been logging me out. Then in mid-December, it logged me out and wouldn't let me log in again at all. I tried until late January to log in, but to no avail. I'd go through the steps to log in, and it would just redirect me to the front page. Finally I got frustrated and gave up. I'm actually sort of shocked that it instantly let me log in tonight. Sometime during my absence, I was reported MIA and was retired from all of the guides that I wrote and edited... would've liked to have cleaned up a few of them first, but oh well, too late now.

So for anyone who's wondering, I didn't jump ship of my own accord, but I'm not sorry that I'm gone. Since imdb improved their TV series listings a year or so ago (and they've always been better and easier to use than this damned site), I'll take my extensive TV knowledge there. Goodbye and good riddance.

I wonder why Zorro was called "the gay blade."
Could he have done more to the foes that he made?
I wonder why John Lennon had to just die
As that crazy man with the gun rushed past by.
Why do transexuals want to be girls?
Can't think of much else quite so hard in this world.
What if they clone a pig that can fly,
And how many people are currently high?
It would be swell if water were beer,
Men couldn't wait for the rain to get here.
I wonder why cats always land on their feet,
And why is this country still run by elite?
I wonder when E.T.'s will land on this earth
To show all us monsters how much we are worth.
What if a werewolf bolts out from the trees
And inflicts my wife with a fatal disease?
As you go on talking, I just tune you out
And my tired mind starts to wander about,
But you never shut up -- you go on for days,
Leaving me bored and thinking this way...

He laid contorted with jaw agape, plasma drooling from his veins and gathering in a pool that surrounded his cranium, oozing and inching its way toward his torso. The pain had ceased, yet still his muscles contracted and twitched, his eyelids flicked and joints flexed, as his carcass received the final exercise that it would ever experience.

The cat leapt onto the back of its former captor, lifted a paw to its face and began to daintily preen, gloating all the while over its own handiwork. The man would never have the opportunity to neglect it again, and the feline knew that it would now have the rule of the roost. It groomed its whiskers quickly, with only moments to spare before fleeing the crime scene, its tail happily whipping behind as it shuffled down the hallway and made its grand escape.

When the police and ambulance workers arrived, the feline hovered in the shadows, grinning through lips stained with the salty crimson juices that had seeped from its victim. The cat was satisfied and returned to its bedding where it slumbered, nocturnally replaying the day's events. When the cat awoke, it lied there, gears cranking, as it pondered the fate of the woman...

Time passes quickly, you blink, then it's gone
And after one moment, the next comes along
They stretch out for decades but when you reflect
You're losing more -- you see, they all connect

Can't live for the moment, we dwell in the past
Because those sweet times, they are too good to last
And ten seconds later, we don't realize
They have slipped away right in front of our eyes

Time is an illusion and time marches on
We are its players, we're merely the pawns
Yet rarely we stop just to ponder the purpose
'Cuz time's not our friend, nor does time serve us

The little dog slinked up the porcelain toilet bowl, perched himself precariously upon the seat, dunked his head in and lapped at the water. He then leapt from the throne and pranced to the corner for a brief nap. When the little dog awoke, he began to bob his head between his thighs, grooming his nether region with the utmost attention from his tongue. The little dog yawned, stretched and swaggered out the doggie door.

While scavenging through the forest, the little dog came upon the decaying carcass of a fallen blackbird that was infested with parasites. To the little dog, this was the ultimate delicacy, and he feasted upon the rotting flesh. This whet his thirst, so he wandered until he came upon a small puddle that had formed at the base of a tree, nesting in its thick roots as one with the earthen soil. The little dog began to deplete the reserve until his belly was full and his thirst was appeased.

With his acute hearing, the little dog could hear the wheels of the car racing across the gravel as it sped up the drive, so he ran to his home as fast as his short legs could carry him. The doggie door didn't slow him as the little dog raced in and began dancing before his owner. As the man eased back onto the sofa, the little dog pounced onto his lap and began slathering the man's face with sweet, tender kisses.

But everyone knows that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's...

Back before the days were long
When I was another man
Thought that I was never wrong
Now I just can't understand
Who the hell I thought I was
Someone I could never be
I'm just saying this because
I've wasted all I had of me
I was just too blind to see
But now it's a reality

Walls of white, they hold me in
To keep me free of mortal sin
A blood-craving psycho, I am known to be
So I've embraced it -- that was destiny

It was a thrill to hear them all scream
Fulfilling each of my nightmarish dreams
It feels so intense, yet no one can see
That it's merely a high, not insanity

The first, I remember, by far was the best
As I dragged the blade deep into his chest
Meant not to thrill, I merely was mad
At that deadbeat man who I called my "dad"

His hands were tied up to the back of his chair
Rivers up sweat drooled down from his hair
The look on his face as he fell to demise
Brought me a grin -- what a happy surprise!

It was so strange when I watched him die
The truth seemed so clear, no longer a lie
The feelings I felt as I took his dear life
Led me to purchase that big Bowie knife

When they did find me, they ended my reign
The lives that I took, they weren't taken in vain
The man in the schoolyard, the ladies in parks
And on all the others, well, I left my marks

They dragged me away, unlike all the rest
And strapped me into an ugly, white vest
They locked me into a small, padded room
So small and so dank that it felt like a tomb

But now I'm free, and soon they shall see
How wickedly evil my vengeance will be
The guard didn't notice when I took his gun
So now I'm out -- because murder is fun!

I found a notebook filled with poetry that I wrote a long time ago, most of which nobody's ever seen before -- though some of it was passed around my hometown when I was a kid. A lot of it is twisted and funny and utterly depraved, though there's some deep stuff here and there. If you saw my take on the true story of the "40 Drunk Santas" (which is still here at the bottom), a lot of this is right up the same alley. I kind of wanted to put it online and figured where better to post it than on a blog? Unfortunately, I can only post ten blogs in a day. There's about a hundred poems and stories in here, so I guess I'll post more in days to come. If you like these and want to pass any around to your friends, feel free. Without further adieu, here's some of them...

Old Jasper Jenson, he jostled the gin
He tipped over the bottle and threw some ice in
He lifted and tilted, then swallowed it down
And then he proceeded to act like a clown

Old Jasper Jenson was such a dumb man
First, he flipped over and did a headstand
It turned up his insides and hurt in his guts
And so he fell over and then he threw up

Old Jasper Jenson, he tried some cocaine
It tore up his body and ate at his brain
He ripped off his clothes and he ran from the room
And stomped on the flowers that started to bloom

But when they found him, it was strange, you see
He was consummating his love with a tree
Old Jasper Jenson, they put him away
And that's where he is right now, to this day

Jasper Jenson Returns

Old Jasper Jenson just got out of jail
He got his poor mother to finally post bail
He ran from the prison and skipped down the road
And then he proceeded to lick a dead toad

Old Jasper Jenson got jumped in the joint
He liked it too, though that's hardly the point
He screamed out and cried at they hit and they poked
But finally he gave his heart to some bloke

Old Jasper Jenson, he wanted his bong
Despite the fact that he knew it was wrong
He tracked down a dealer and gave him some bucks
Then he loaded the bowl and he gave it a suck

Old Jasper Jenson, he got very high
And fled through the window when squad lights flashed by
He ran through the schoolyard and under a birch
Then he dashed around to the back of the church

Then he bent down and he broke the AC
Knowing that he could get high here for free
From the line with the Freon, he gave a big huff
For old Jasper Jenson, there's never enough

Old Jasper Jenson went into the store
They told him not to come back anymore
Clerk grabbed the phone and he dialed the police
While old Jasper Jenson, he begged him to cease

Old Jasper Jenson clutched onto a beer
And used it to hit the dumb clerk in the ear
When the cops came, Jasper pulled out a gun
This wasn't over, it was suddenly fun

He took the clerk hostage and fled from the scene
But first, he demanded they bring him baked beans
They said he was crazy, but he did persist
‘Cuz old Jasper knew that the clerk would be missed

Old Jasper Jenson jerked down the clerk's jeans
He only did this to prove that he's mean
He whipped out a knife and he slashed the boy's thigh
"Now bring me baked beans," he said, "or he'll die!"

Old Jasper Jenson then dragged him away
And asked the dumb clerk if he'd ever been gay
The answer was no; Jasper started to smile
He'd hoped for this moment for all the short while

Old Jasper Jenson was hung like a horse
The clerk begged and pleaded -- he took it, of course
He choked and he gagged and he cried and he screamed
But old Jasper Jenson was fulfilling a dream

Old Jasper Jenson had his ass in the air
When a policeman stuck his gun there
For old Jasper Jenson, the jig's finally up
It's about time, since old Jasper's corrupt!

Jasper Jenson's Divorce

Old Jasper Jenson just got a divorce
From Henrietta, his thoroughbred horse
He couldn't keep her with him in the clink
Seemed it was over in only a blink

Poor Jasper Jenson, his wife was a cheat
Who simply couldn't get enough of dark meat
She made it with Webster, the neighborhood pig
But fancied the donkey whose d**k was so big

Old Jasper Jenson, he bawled and he cried
And confided to Chuck that he wished he had died
Chuck stroked and caressed him and then they got nude
I could tell more here, but that might be rude

Old Jasper Jenson, he held in his hand
A lethal dose of the contraband
He threatened to use it -- alas, he did not
Because old Jasper Jenson was shot on the spot

Old Jasper Jenson fell down on the floor
Now he is dead, cannot huff anymore
But old Jasper Jenson's now seen on each coast
Traveling the world, since he's merely a ghost

Now it is over and Jasper is gone
He got what he searched for his whole life long
The moment he died was his greatest escape
They even caught it on surveillance tape

Old Jasper Jenson, he finally is free
But often I feel like he's here watching me
'Cuz old Jasper Jenson, he just got the gist
And so he amuses himself with these trysts

The world is crashing down and here I sit
There's mayhem all around and here I sit
And yet I wonder why my life has passed me by
Sometimes I'd like to die, but here I sit

Too depressed to want to care, so here I sit
'Cuz I know that sitting there's a pile of sh*t
And the longer that I wait, the more we will debate
I just cannot take the bait, so here I sit

Getting old and getting fat, but here I sit
Cannot take much more of that, no not one bit
And I often wonder why I can't just lie down & die
Can someone tell me why right here I sit?

It's depressing and it's cruel, but here I sit
And I'm playing with my tool a little bit
Now I solemnly declare that life is just unfair
Of my wrath, you should beware while here I sit

I want to end it all, but here I sit
I am just so sick and tired of all of it
But the fear I have the most it that I'd end up a ghost
Or that I'd plainly roast, so here I sit

Here I Sit Redux

Got no beer and got no bread, but here I sit
And I'm loony in the head... a little bit
I'm eager to declare that I'm not going anywhere
At the wall, I find I stare, as here I sit

I know my life's a joke, but here I sit
And I would like to just give up and quit
But still I trudge along until the day that I am gone
Now I'll watch the old "King Kong" while here I sit

There's a throbbing in my head, but here I sit
And I'm watching as the stars just flounce and flit
It seems like no surprise as colors dance before my eyes
'Cuz no one hears my cries, as here I sit

There's a cockroach on my knee, but here I sit
I could freak out and throw a hissyfit
I'll ignore it, it will go; we live peaceful, quid pro quo
And now you're in the know, so here I sit

Jessica Jungerman hated her son
Concieved out of nowhere, the damage was done
He sprang from her loins and he cried every day
She just could not endure more this way

While her son was sleeping, she crept in the room
Grinning, since he would soon come to his doom
She picked up a pillow and covered his face
She was glad that she did it, she felt no disgrace

They say Jessica Jungerman simply went mad
Her lover had left her, her son's all she had
She said he was "evil and better off dead"
So she smashed the pillow right into his head

But Jessica Jungerman really was right
She saw through deception right at first sight
The son that she bore who she killed but she loved
Was also the offspring of Bealzabub

He walked aloof and swung his arms
Around from side to side
He spent his childhood on a farm
To await his betrothed bride

Then one day, he took a cat
And grinned from ear to ear
He said, "I've had enough of that,
I'll marry you this year!"

His bride-to-be was filled with rage
When she learned that he eloped
She wanted to lock him in a cage
And torture the poor dope

But soon she found a wealthy king
And married him instead
It didn't cost the man a thing
And now they both were wed

As the sun sets in the sky
I can feel the autumn rain
Dripping slowly from up high
Onto my window pane

Though the moon is out of sight
And the sun is out of mind
I can feel my skin grow tight
As you creep up from behind

The days of old come back again
When we tumbled in the grass
I think about you now and then
The memories will pass
Still I cannot help but wonder
Why we had to say goodbye
I can feel the crashing thunder
As I kneel down and cry

The meaning of survival
Found in love that's lost within
Is a kiss that brings revival
To a world corrupt with sin

It's an endless game of myth and fact
That keeps us both apart
So I must approach with hope and tact
For, still you have my heart

So please ignore the endless rains
That are flooding from my eyes
For you know that my eternal flame
Has been watered down to die

So if we should brush shoulders
On the streets that lie below
My body will grow colder
As the tears begin to flow

I will love you for forever
I just have to let you know
I know you cannot love me
So I have to let you go

Lady Godiva rode nude on a horse
A man couldn't do that -- it would hurt, of course
There's a sun in the sky and a man on the moon
Yet men reach their climax always too soon

A woman's from Venus, a man is from Mars
'Cuz he has a penis that's bigger than hers
Women use dilldos... well, so do some men
Some use it more, but for most, now and then

Women have round breast while most guys are flat
Though there have been many exceptions to that
Men with small c**ks buy big cars and wield guns
Women don't do this at all -- what's the fun?

Women love shopping but most men do not
Guys like bed-hopping with girls who are hot
Not that girls don't like bed-hopping with guys
But when guys find these girls, it seems quite a surprise

Most guys jerk off several times in the week
It's less frequent for gals when they play hide and seek
'Cuz they can cum more than once in a go
But once a guy shoots, new erections come slow

You have a big zit on your nose
There's crusty old jam in your toes
There's dirt in your hair and I just don't dare
To mention your pitiful clothes

You know, there's some food on your face
And you seem like such a disgrace
You threw up your beer in this spot over here
As soon as you finished the case

You have a bad smell and you're fat
You're balding, so you sport a hat
You light up a smoke and you swallow a Coke
And you live in your home like a rat

Just so we have this all clear,
I've noticed you're starting to leer,
I see you each day and you won't go away
As you gaze at my face through the mirror

Kitty Klingerman can't cope with crime
It's all that she thinks about all of the time
Insomnia plagues her, so she wields a gun
In case she's assaulted by some unknown one

She shot at a cat once, but it got away
"That catburglar," she thought, "he won't get me today"
But if Kitty Klingerman can't kill a cat,
Then how will she take out that man in the hat?

He crawled through the window, I saw it so clear
That window that's open - the one right over here
I can help Kitty out and call for the cops
But what if he grabs her and rips off her top?

Kitty Klingerman got killed today
That man in the hat, well, he got away
Her paranoia, it was justified
Too bad that, to learn that, she couldn't survive

Here lies the body of Cynthia York
Her husband stabbed her to death with a fork
The day he went nuts, he jabbed it in her guts
And said that she tasted like pork

Here lies the body of Danny DeLaine
He opened the door and jumped out of the plane
He freefell in air 'til he fell on his head
Now Danny DeLaine, it appears he is dead

Here lies the body of Melanie Black
She died with a knife sticking out of her back
And then her killer, he went on the lam
'Cuz he captured the whole thing on his handicam

Here lies the body of Liza Minelli
She slipped and fell down in petroleum jelly
She said her goodbyes on the day that she died
You can watch her old films on the telly...

Like many others, I was sad to see TV Tome go and have been increasingly annoyed by this constantly-locking, ill-concieved site known as tv.com. Somebody contacted me (through tv.com, no less) about a relatively new site called TV Rage. While it currently doesn't have the content that appears on this site, it's probably going to wind up being tv.com's biggest rival. It features an easy-to-use interface comparable to TV Tome, and they incorporated a few of the better features from this site. I have no intention of completely abandoning this site (put far too much work into more guides here than I can count), but for those annoyed by constant lock-ups here, looks like TV Rage is the way to go.

http://www.tvrage.com/

Forty drunk Santas all ran through the street
They looted the storefronts and ate all the sweets
They robbed the pedestrians, smashed all the cars
After they'd vacated the local bar

They pillaged and plundered and took down the cops
It seemed this insanity never would stop
Two yanked down their trousers and then they got lewd
With one prostitute -- those were two scary dudes!

In one local store, many Santas rushed in
Shop owner stood there on needles and pins
They looked at the beer and the drinks on the shelves
They said, "Merry Christmas," and then helped themselves

How did this happen, you must contemplate,
And why were these Santas filled with such hate?
'Twas a Santa Convention where they had convened
When they hauled out the liquor, the scene turned obscene

The topic they spoke of, it was Santarchy
With holiday presents and lights on the trees,
Commercialization had just gone too far
They hated that things were the way that they are

One Santa got sussed and he started a fight
With another Santa who sat to his right
As I understand it, they once were great friends
Who could not bring themselves to make amends

When one punched the other, the Santas got riled
They hooted and hollered and then they went wild
They flipped up the tables and knocked down the chairs
The next thing you knew, 'twas mayhem everywhere

Forty drunk Santas, they fled from the scene
And they searched for another place to convene
But first, the bartender, he phoned the police
'Cuz it seemed that this chaos never would cease

Forty drunk Santas spread out in the road
When squad cars pulled up and began to unload
Cops tried to detain them and threatened to shoot
Which pissed off the men who were clad in red suits

With law men outnumbered by men in fake beards,
This situation was bound to turn weird
The mob turned against them, it did escalate
With no coherence, no complex debate

The next thing that happened is merely a blur
Seemed that the Santas weren't sane as they were
Their judgement was clouded by eggnog and booze,
So they punched and they kicked with their black, shiny shoes

Some of the Santas went into the park
And did things that hoods only do after dark,
They knocked over trash bins, graffitied the walls
Outside of the buildings and within the halls

High in the air on the big overpasses,
From one direction, they saw Santa asses,
But from the other as cars rushed beneath,
They showered their urine right onto the streets

One clung to a rope that hung off of a ship
He tried to climb up, but then he lost his grip
Many threw bottles to fend off the pigs
The Auckland police weren't too keen on this gig

Of forty drunk Santas, well, most got away
They only arrested three Santas that day
How did these drunk Santas get off, you must ask?
All I can say is those Santas run fast!

(This is rooted in fact. In New Zealand on December 17th, 2005 there was a protest of the commercialization of Christmas. 40 people dressed in Santa suits, many of them in a drunken state, were responsible for, well, Santarchy. I heard the story and had to write this Christmas tale about it... not that anyone will probably ever read this...)