I loathe tv.com. I tried extremely hard to be open minded when TV Tome sold out and everything moved to this abbhorant site, but it never grew on me. Despite that, I stayed on, fought the moronic, confusing, 19-step forms and tried to continue contributing. In the middle of last year, around the same time the damn ads became rampant ("click here to continue to TV.com") I began having log in issues. Every time I came to this site, I had to log in, and after clicking through three pages, I'd inexplicably be logged out. My cookies are set and I have no problems with other sites -- there's absolutely no reason it should've been logging me out. Then in mid-December, it logged me out and wouldn't let me log in again at all. I tried until late January to log in, but to no avail. I'd go through the steps to log in, and it would just redirect me to the front page. Finally I got frustrated and gave up. I'm actually sort of shocked that it instantly let me log in tonight. Sometime during my absence, I was reported MIA and was retired from all of the guides that I wrote and edited... would've liked to have cleaned up a few of them first, but oh well, too late now.

So for anyone who's wondering, I didn't jump ship of my own accord, but I'm not sorry that I'm gone. Since imdb improved their TV series listings a year or so ago (and they've always been better and easier to use than this damned site), I'll take my extensive TV knowledge there. Goodbye and good riddance.

I wonder why Zorro was called "the gay blade."
Could he have done more to the foes that he made?
I wonder why John Lennon had to just die
As that crazy man with the gun rushed past by.
Why do transexuals want to be girls?
Can't think of much else quite so hard in this world.
What if they clone a pig that can fly,
And how many people are currently high?
It would be swell if water were beer,
Men couldn't wait for the rain to get here.
I wonder why cats always land on their feet,
And why is this country still run by elite?
I wonder when E.T.'s will land on this earth
To show all us monsters how much we are worth.
What if a werewolf bolts out from the trees
And inflicts my wife with a fatal disease?
As you go on talking, I just tune you out
And my tired mind starts to wander about,
But you never shut up -- you go on for days,
Leaving me bored and thinking this way...

He laid contorted with jaw agape, plasma drooling from his veins and gathering in a pool that surrounded his cranium, oozing and inching its way toward his torso. The pain had ceased, yet still his muscles contracted and twitched, his eyelids flicked and joints flexed, as his carcass received the final exercise that it would ever experience.

The cat leapt onto the back of its former captor, lifted a paw to its face and began to daintily preen, gloating all the while over its own handiwork. The man would never have the opportunity to neglect it again, and the feline knew that it would now have the rule of the roost. It groomed its whiskers quickly, with only moments to spare before fleeing the crime scene, its tail happily whipping behind as it shuffled down the hallway and made its grand escape.

When the police and ambulance workers arrived, the feline hovered in the shadows, grinning through lips stained with the salty crimson juices that had seeped from its victim. The cat was satisfied and returned to its bedding where it slumbered, nocturnally replaying the day's events. When the cat awoke, it lied there, gears cranking, as it pondered the fate of the woman...

Time passes quickly, you blink, then it's gone
And after one moment, the next comes along
They stretch out for decades but when you reflect
You're losing more -- you see, they all connect

Can't live for the moment, we dwell in the past
Because those sweet times, they are too good to last
And ten seconds later, we don't realize
They have slipped away right in front of our eyes

Time is an illusion and time marches on
We are its players, we're merely the pawns
Yet rarely we stop just to ponder the purpose
'Cuz time's not our friend, nor does time serve us

The little dog slinked up the porcelain toilet bowl, perched himself precariously upon the seat, dunked his head in and lapped at the water. He then leapt from the throne and pranced to the corner for a brief nap. When the little dog awoke, he began to bob his head between his thighs, grooming his nether region with the utmost attention from his tongue. The little dog yawned, stretched and swaggered out the doggie door.

While scavenging through the forest, the little dog came upon the decaying carcass of a fallen blackbird that was infested with parasites. To the little dog, this was the ultimate delicacy, and he feasted upon the rotting flesh. This whet his thirst, so he wandered until he came upon a small puddle that had formed at the base of a tree, nesting in its thick roots as one with the earthen soil. The little dog began to deplete the reserve until his belly was full and his thirst was appeased.

With his acute hearing, the little dog could hear the wheels of the car racing across the gravel as it sped up the drive, so he ran to his home as fast as his short legs could carry him. The doggie door didn't slow him as the little dog raced in and began dancing before his owner. As the man eased back onto the sofa, the little dog pounced onto his lap and began slathering the man's face with sweet, tender kisses.

But everyone knows that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's...