Gamespot prohibits me from uploading videos longer than 10 minutes unless I pay a membership fee. And unfortunately, most of my videos have already been edited to a longer format. So if you'd like to see more of my videos, full and uncut, please visit http://spoonyexperiment.com and go to the Games section!

Enjoy!

Many people...some people...all right, one person wanted to know just how Johnny Mnemonic ended! Well here it is, the multi-faceted ending to the FMV game Johnny Mnemonic!

Take a tour of the FMV games I grew up playing and learn how they scarred my existence! There's more to come, and we're leading up to a full-length review of one of the oddest FMV games ever made! Now we tackle the most dreaded of the FMV titles: the interactive movies. We begin with Foxhunt and continue on to one of the rarest and most difficult games to run: Johnny Mnemonic.

He's a data courier in a future that hasn't invented e-mail or thumb drives, and if you touch the computers your head explodes. Jeez, even in the future nothing works. Will Johnny ever find the rest of his computer so he can start tracking down that damn download code? And will it do him any good since every computer he touches melts his brain?

Only Chef can provide those answers, so we head to the Lo-Tek headquarters to hack our own brains and to get our hands on some chocolate salty balls!

Check it out!

http://one.revver.com/watch/394012/flv/affiliate/72436

A character who uses a gun? This is a dream! It's a tale of really awkward romance and a fat man throwing a harpoon at mushrooms. Will our heroes ever wake up and find out what in the hell their mission is? Is Quistis a fembot? And what horrible thing will I name Rinoa's dog?

Final Fantasy VII

http://one.revver.com/watch/394012/flv/affiliate/72436

WARNING: Mature Content!

It seems that FF8 has thrown me into a hallucinatory wonderland, where a parallel universe version of myself decided to ravage Final Fantasy SEVEN instead!

Before everyone gets upset, I'm just **** around so count to ten before you go declaring blood-feud on my house.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1lsHE3IQKKg

When there is no more room in hell, the Resident Evil clones will walk the earth! It's Mulder & Scully teaming up against the Army of Darkness. Can our plucky heroes survive this dawn of the dead, or should they have brought steel-toed boots?

Let's get kickin'. That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit.

http://spoonyexperiment.com

( http://one.revver.com/watch/330899/flv/affiliate/72436 )

While preparing for the FMV adventure known as Star Trek Klingon, I felt obliged to subject myself to the Power Klingon Language Course provided on the third disc, hosted by none other than Michael Dorn! Take the Power Klingon challenge along with me, and see how much honor you retain by the end! Qapla!

Full Video

( http://one.revver.com/watch/339839 )

As Terror TRAX concludes, we head on down to the Big Easy to stop the wolfman before he changes New Orleans from the chocolate city to the clobbered city. The investigation takes a sharp turn into the ludicrous as the TRAX officers investigate the werewolf menace and die.

A lot.

The werewolf reign of terror continues as their hippie agenda broadens to the meat packing industry, where they attempt to murder our brave heroes by cattle stampede. Worse, Mayor Ray Nagin has been kidnapped by werewolves. Is Snake a bad enough dude to rescue him?

Well, no, but we sure give it a shot!


You can also find these games listed in the Games section of the website for easy access.

Terror T.R.A.X. - Track of the Vampire


( http://one.revver.com/watch/333704/flv/affiliate/72436 )

Sharpen your stakes and gird your loins, because I'm about to load my CD player again and bust the nefarious forces of the undead in this: an audio choose-your-own-adventure known as Terror T.R.A.X.!

I've been looking into what movie I should review next. I'm not wanting for choice, but as always I'm plagued with indecision.

I've had Steven Seagal's Shadow Man on the top of my stack for a long time, and the only thing that holds me back is that it isn't as mainstream as I'd like most of my reviews to be. I try to stick to more common movies that people might already have seen. It makes the site more accessible to readers when they're likely to have seen what I'm **** about. The number of people likely to rent a terrible, obscure movie are very small, even if they're fans of the site.

Of course, I break this rule quite often. I'm still trying to figure out which one I want to do next. It's worse because I've added Highlander 2: The Quickening to the list, and I'm still thinking it's a bad idea. Most other reviewers have already done the flick and I doubt I'd bring anything new to it. Right now I'm looking at:

• Shadow Man (Steven Seagal)
• Highlander 2: The Quickening
• Gamebox 1.0 (Direct-to-video knockoff of Stay Alive)
• Turkish Spider-Man (could be tricky because no English translation exists and I'd just be riffing on what I see)
• Evil Brain From Outer Space (1956) - a Japanese creature feature where a monster brain enslaves the planet and only Starman can defeat it
• Purple Death From Outer Space (1940) - a Flash Gordon movie from the pulp sci-fi days
• Epic Movie
• The Specialist (Sylvester Stallone / Sharon Stone)

I'm busy preparing several videos at the moment: my followup on Final Fantasy VII: Blue Balls For Squall, a super-secret videogame review, and my Hate Mail Special.

But then I figured, why not open up the video to e-mail of all kinds?  Send in your comments on the videos, forward hateful words you've seen about me on other sites, or ask those burning questions about life, the universe, and everything to get my honest responses.  Openly insulting missives filled with vitriol, and questions about games and movies are most likely to make the cut, so stay on topic!

If you're nervous about posting the questions here, you can send them in PM or to my e-mail address.  Just be sure to put "Ask Spoony: " in front of the subject line so I can handle the tsunami of messages sure to flood in.

 

Iron Eagle

 

Synopsis: When compared to Top Gun, Iron Eagle is the lesser-known, much much worse movie. Instead of a narrative or the relatively strong acting evidenced in Top Gun, Eagle involves a lot more Airplane Porn, senseless brutality, and scenes of **** blowing up. Ironically, many would argue that's why Iron Eagle is the superior of the two: because it dispenses with all those ladies and the homo volleyball scenes and the really bad music by Berlin. Even I have to admit, that movie sends mixed signals. It makes my wiener confused.

The funniest part of Tideland is video preface on the DVD where director Terry Gilliam confesses that most people are going to hate his movie.  But what bothers me is his "big famous auteur" attitude where only really smart people are going to understand his deep, dramatic vision.  Oh, I understand Gilliam's vision, and it's a dark, dreary, greasy, bleak nihilistic little world where nobody cares, nobody loves, and nobody is going to help you.

I have never truly understood Gilliam's appeal as a director, and aside from the Python movies I doubt I would rate any of his films better than average.  I don't even really like the films that are widely regarded as his master works (Brazil, Time Bandits), and it's not because I don't understand Terry's vision, it's because I understand it all too well, and I still hate it.  Everything Terry sees is gothic and grotesque, looming and absurd, horrible and revolting.  It's hard to find joy in anything he's ever made, and in fact most of my memories of his movies are those of sadness, unsatisfaction, and mild sickness.

Terry was right: I didn't like Tideland.  And I understand it.  I understand Terry Gilliam now, because he says that this movie allowed him to finally discover his inner child.  Well Terry's inner child is an insane, borderline retarded little girl, and his outer adult is a sick, depraved maniac who needs to stop making movies until that inner child learns to laugh again.  Tideland is among the worst movies I've ever seen, not because of bad tradecraft or technical ineptitude, but because the story itself is one of the most disgusting and loathsome stories ever written, and projected through the mind's eye of Gilliam it becomes a tale so dark, so joyless and corrupt that it becomes pornographic in its attempt to offend every sensibility we have as well-adjusted people.  Even at my best I would have hated this movie, and it's so depressing and stark that I should never have even gone near it in my current state of mind.

To best understand the story, imagine an Elsewords version of The Big Lebowski where The Dude got hooked on hardcore amphetamines, got married, and had a crack baby named Jeliza-Rose.  Jeliza is utterly insane and completely oblivious, deprived of the common sense God gave a dead battery, and she watches in gleeful innocence as her mother wheezes her last death rattle on a massive Methadone addiction, then flees with her dad to the country and prepares the hot shot of heroin he uses to overdose himself to death with.  Alone, she fails to recognize that her own father is a corpse and spends days playing in her own imaginary realm while he rots and gets eaten to pieces by bugs before her very eyes.  She sits on his rotting lap and squeals in delight as she compresses his stomach, releasing the foul gasses from his dessicated innards.

She later meets two other insane people, including a madwoman who gives blowjobs to the village idiot to pay for her groceries, and her lobotomized (seriously) epileptic brother.  The madwoman helpfully hollows out the rotting corpse and makes it into a horrid taxidermied leathery mannequin made rigid with chicken wire, then props it up at the dinner table to fill in the missing members of her family.  Oh, it gets better.  Not only does she sleep with the corpse, it's implied that several of the characters have sexual relations with the dead.  Jeliza soon becomes fixated on the older lobotomized man and becomes "kissin' buddies" with him, which is every bit as creepy as it sounds and more, because she very much wants to see his penis and continues to pester him throughout the movie to get a peek at his "little secret."  Worse, there are other disgusting incidents of pedophilia at the hands of the elderly, and with mentally-challenged children, no less.  It's so disgusting that it makes me wonder how Terry even managed to even pretend to do these scenes with a little girl.

But wait, there's more!  There's child abuse, sadism, strangulations, wrestling with mummified grandmas, and incest with family members, living and dead.  Cap it all off with a finale featuring an exploding train full of innocent people that's considered to be quite a happy and glorious moment by the deranged protagonists, and you've got me just about ready to put a gun in my mouth.  Everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.  Truly ashamed by their willingness to produce a story this foul and wretched.  The writer and director desperately need psychological help.  You might admire the courage it took to make this film, or applaud Gilliam for bringing such a provocative vision to life.  Myself, I wonder how anyone can watch a movie like Tideland and consider it to be an evening's entertainment.  I've seen movies that were offensive, filthy, or violent, but at their core their goal was to entertain or deliver a message.  There's nothing like that here, just sorrow, regret, and hollow, clenching sickness.

 

Night Watch

 

Synopsis: How pumped would you be to see medieval armies clashing using werewolves as shock troops? Alas, this is not meant to be, because Night Watch's idea of super-powered wizards and shapechangers battling is knights and cavemen clubbing each other. When Uwe Boll can direct a better medieval battle than you, take notice.

This episode tackles the most annoying of all minigames: the thirty hour sidequest known as Triple Triad. Everyone's doing it! It's time to d-d-d-d-d-duel!

Here's a little update I made on YouTube regarding my status and how I've spent some of my time.  It features a preview of a project I scrapped: Skull & Bones.

They're back, and Krynn needs the Spoony One more than ever!  Check it out!

You want drawing footage?  I got your drawing footage RIGHT HERE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1njLpZDfUCQ

We need to enact Fanboy Apocalypse Scenario B, the Square
Contingency!  We're in for a siege, so I want flame units on the walls
and cauldrons of pitch spaced every ten yards!