Wooo slept good last night.... had a dream i dont really want to remember.... hate when i have a dream about..... nevermind anyway... Im gonna try and learn how to play guitar Its gonna be sweet that im gonna see if my mom can give me some vocal lessons seeing she has had lessons befor so i can start playn some music and record it with the camera i will be getting.... WHICH VIDEO BLAWGS TOOO!!!!! No one cares but im shareing anyway..... Christmas still might feel wierd for me.... i have my reasons its just gonna makem e think of somthin i know it but hey gotta get rid of those thoughts...... a bullet will do the trick jk jk

Anywho... my rooms getting redone tommorow meaning i have to take out everything in here so we can pain the walls, redo the roof, fill in some holes, and paint my door...... so i might not be on for awhile.... depends... eh ill find a way.... No plans this weekend and its pissing me off.... i normally do stuff on the weekend but not this weekend... unless somthin comes up... eh maybe.... I havnt playd a video game in at least 2 or 3 weeks.... i  mean i havnt really playd... i just dont enjoy them as mutch anymore.... id rather sit here waiting to talk or meet new people online then play games... eh i dont care what i do anymore just as long as i dont think about you know who.... even if i do i dont care anymore anyway.... well i still care about her.... its just now i dont care whats to happen... eh w/e look at me rambleing   Anyway i have to apply for a job at AMC soooo ttyl.

Peace

Ok... i went to a lake hosue the other day and stayed for a few days..... And i got extremely wasted last night and.... kinda changed.... While my head was in a toilet and i was puking my gutz up i thought to myself "WTF!!!!???" Why the hell am i who i am.... i always care about other befor myself and im nto happy with it.... and im doin stupid stuff.... but it makes me happy.... ANd i noticed im alot colder a person recently.... some girl almost died yesterday and i laughed at it..... Iv decided to stop careing about so mutch stupid s%#^.... iv decided my happiness is more important than other people..... This is good for me.... i feel alot better i mean why care about others so mutch.... i mean i used to care about people i didnt even really know... i mean why.... im the one that has to live with myself... Ryan you were right.... and im gonna try for the satanist thing.... i mean cause your happy with it and i want that so goin for it..... But i think for the next month or so im just gonna try and get a hold of myself and stop being the sensitive stupid guy that cares but doesnt win in the end.... Anyway thats all for now.

UPDATE: I made a live journal... check it- heartlessnow

Peace

Wooo,... ok people i had the most awsome time lastn ight.... excuse me but im currently still rolln from x..... Ok well it started just goin to the movies but after that me, ryan *AgentSparks*, and fatty went and chilld at this guys house andi tried x for the first time.... OMG.... im in love... likei felt so good and it was so great i had felt bad lately but that really was an upper.... and then we smoked some purp after that.... i have never felt so good... and the x is still in me to... one pill has lasted a day and a half so far... and like lol i was telln people what i thought of them and stuff..... grr kt wont answear her phone..... ROLLN!!!! WOOTT!!!1

Peace and get high

Ok iv made my mind up yea take take time yada yada.... but this choice works for me and kt.... were just gonna be best friends and take it a day at a time.... and what the future brings it brings.... the feelings i have for her will be there yes.... but they can either be changed into friendship.... or maybe someday they will turn into somthing more for both of us.... but giving up all together just didnt feel right to me... i tried to hate her and i couldnt... i tried to forget her i couldnt..... soooo now im just molding the feelings around a bit.... i dout there will be anymore pain... now maybe a bit of discomfort in the future.... but who knows what will happen... ill always be there for her as a friend... and maybe as somthing more.... thanks for al lthe opinions guys but i have to go with my instincs and what feels right to me i cant base my choices on that of others.... not every person is the same .

Eh.... The hurts gonna be there.... but now its kinda out in the open more.... i went outside stared in the sky and screemed as hard as i could a few times and then broke down crying in my drive way. Ill be ok tho... the hurts gonna be there for awhile its just I..... i have to make a choice and i dotn want to make the wrong one i still love her and she has less feelings for me than i do than for her.... and i can get over it... Sith made a good comment last blog and i really took that one to heart... but my best friend thinks i should give up which i should do.... but i see it this way ill stop talking to her... if she calls me.... then she cares about me and wants to try somthing its just can i really try knowing im just her #2 option.... for if things between and this guy dont work out that im just gonna be her crutch to know she would never feel like i do im just her emotional help.... well as far as that goes if she calls me now and really tries for somthing ill go for it but if this travis guy breaks her heart.... im not gonna be there for her yea ill care and be her friend but... if she tries all this different **** then that shows me that she is just using me... if she cares about me she will call me.... not after things with travis dont work but to try to work things with me... i hope she finds happyness with me or without me.... for now im gonna lose the feelings for her... if she doesnt call then all im losing is a friend in my current mindset.... but if she does call me she wants to try with me..... and then we will see what i do. KT IF YOU READ THIS!!! THEN GET YOUR S$^@ TOGETHER!!!!