so how did i do in school? here's how my final grades broke down.

Police Services-A
Critical Issues in Criminal Justice-A
Approaches to Literature- A
Criminal Investigations- C

i was kind of upset about the C, i didn't understand how i got that low of a grade since i had a B+ at mid terms. i guess he said that my final wasn't very strong which was stupid because he had us do it through email over the course of five days. he was pretty vague with the directions as well but oh well i guess. i still got a 3.5. GPA overall and i made the Dean's List, so i'll take that. summer has been kind of hectic with the same usual drama and crap at this house, what with dad putting his hands on me resulting in my brother and i getting taken thrown out by the cops at my father's request. i was looking for somewhere else to stay for the rest of the summer but it's not going that well. school said the policy says i can't stay there even if i pay because i'm not taking a summer course so i can either get an apartment until august which is just stupid, or i can avoid here as much as possible and try to stick it out until i go back to school. i've been really sick this past week with Bronchitis which is never fun, but i don't remember ever having it this bad. i'm a lot better today but the rest of the week i haven't been able to breathe, my inhalers weren't doing anything, i couldn't stop coughing, i'm extremely sore because i've pulled muschles in my sides, ribs, and the front of me and my back from all the coughing. i was coughing to the point of throwing up never fun. however i've had the meds in me for a few days now and i'm feeling better. i've been wanting to read latley but i either don't have the time or my eyes are sore from being sick so i just can't, but hopefully i'll get to pick the books up again soon. one of my friends was like "um, school's out for the summer, f*** the books" lol and i was like "well that was because i HAD to read, this is for enjoyment." lol i guess some people just don't understand why a person would read for fun. my brother finally got a job, he's working at Burger King, so that's good for him. Now he'll have some money and won't have to throw himself to the mercy of my "parents" and beg for money when he needs something. i usually help him out when i can, but its still good for him anyway. my sister should be here from Italy in a few weeks so i'm pretty excited about that too, i can't wait to see her. i'm still single and while sometimes its cool, it gets pretty old pretty fast. you never know though, maybe i'll meet someone soon. almost everyone i know is going to be gone this semester at school. most of my friends graduated or are gone, and my brother won't be there either, i don't know what i'm going to do i don't usally like to put myself out there that much to make new friends since they all leave anyway, and i'm not thrilled about probably getting a room mate. But maybe i'll make good friends with the roomie like my first one, or maybe i'll luck out and she'll be single and gay lol. fat chance, but i can dream anyway that's what has been going on with me lately, hope to hear from some of you all soon!

This is a poem i wrote tonight. Some of the religious language was inspired by a movie i just bought, some by songs, some from my head. Give it a shot

"Forsaken" by Brianne Thibert 4/7/09

"Holy Mary, mother of god"
please tell me what to do
sometimes i feel so alone
and where the Hell are you?
i am honest, i am good
and i try very hard
but i'm not perfect, nor a saint
i'm a sinner who's been scarred
i've been in pain, i've been in tears
in my own front yard
i've been broken and afraid
i'm just a foolish Bard
forgive me for my trespass
i've walked someplace unknown
where flames are high and evil eyes
torture my damned soul
is there no penance i can pay
to take me out of here?
The Valley of the Shadow of Death
is something to be feared
and "Hallowed be thy name" it seems
i know who you are
Lucifer, Mephistopheles
this has gone too far
cast this demon from my body
that drains purity from my soul
there's nothing left for him to take
i can no longer pay the toll
oh wretched gods, hear my cries
will you not hear from thee?
why does he come to MY temple?
why hast thou forsaken me?
i cannot vanquish this demon
for then i must take his throne
but so long as he dwells in my veins
my soul is not my own
Retribution may be hope
but for what is it i shall pay?
Redemption has become a word
sickly humorous to say
and if i should succomb to him
to possess me all the way
why do i not have even his demon strength
or will to fight another day?
he would deny the very vessle
that keeps him here on Earth
he would even deny my only
chance for a rebirth
where the hell is my Archangle
has Michael lost his wings?
where's the promised peace, serenity
am i the only one left who sings?
where's the hero for this soul
is there one strong enough for I
the one who'd rather walk through fire
than show weakness from my eyes?
i understand why you'd decline
to try to pacify
if he saw the likes of you
surely you'd be crucified
so i will bear this heavy debt
Lest it should be paid
"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done..."
Give me just this day

So things have been going ok. I went out to a st. patty's day party saturday and won a drink for my musical talent, along with a plastic green necklace with a mug on it (to put the drink in). i didn't get obliviated though. Instead of 3-4 pitchers and a few shots, i only had that one drink i won, one that friend gave me, and like a pitcher and a half of beer. I didn't really feel like having much either. The weird thing is even though that's way less than i usually have, i still felt really hung over the next morning, so i'm not sure why that is. When i was home for four hours saturday (mom was unbearable as usual and i was mad that my brother and courtney blew me off and left me there all that time to deal with her, but that's a long story, and i had like NO smokes the whole time.) I pulled out some of my old cd's and listened to some angry chick music. I used to be obsessed with this band called Kittie, so i played some of their music and got right into it, which made me feel angry sort of and pumped up, but it was good to feel something like that just like...to feel, and i don't know, its weird. So i'm all about Kittie again and that's kind of cool. It kind of brings me back to when i was like 16-17, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. There's emotions there and stuff i'm sure i haven't dealt with, so maybe going back there might help me in some retrospective way, who knows. Anyway, i'm still getting really good grades on everything. I was a little worried about my one mid term i took monday, its the only real acutal test i had to do, the rest were like open book or take home. However, here's how my mid term grades have turned out so far:

Police Services- A
Critical Issues- A
Approaches to Literature- B
Criminal Investigations-Satisfactory

So i'm pretty proud of myself. I had hoped my grade in Literature was higher, but i still have time to bump that up. I'm aiming to keep the A's i have, i've only gotten one in college so far lol. It would be great to have a line up like that after finals, i would be estatic. So that's what i'm up to lately. I'm reading a novel right now for my Lit course which is kind of boring, called Cat's Eye. However, after the fiction section we get to start like plays and stuff, we have to read Oidepus. I'm excited about this since i love Greek Mythology. We kind of skipped over most of the Greek poems in the Poetry section, but i plan to go back and read through them sometime. I also broke my glasses the other day. The temple fell off because when i got new lenses my eye dr. put them in the vice to adjust them because they were bent, and said they weren't going to take anymore. Jake brought them to his eye place today for me to try to have them fixed, and i got them back with a note saying they were "beyond repair, the threading is shot." so i have to figure out what to do about that. Other than that things are going pretty decent. I have to see my therapist tomorrow, she's meeting me over here again. So anyway, that's what i've been doing. The weather has been beautiful which has kept me in a good mood the last few days. Someone said something about snow one day this week, but i hope that's not true. Anyway just thought i'd touch base.

So in light of recent events and through the inspiriaton of a friend i have decided that i should try to comitt to writing in my blog at least once a day since i love to write and it's very theraputic for me. Even if it is just a bunch of nothing, i still want to try to keep it. So, some old demons came to visit me last week and it turned out to be rough. I was drinking at a friend's house and there was somebody there singing karaoke and recording a cd. Now, 2 days before my ex texted me and said "what's up", but i ignored it. I didn't think it really bothered me to hear from her, but i was wondering wtf she was bothering me for. She was the one who didn't want me back, i felt like saying "where's the wonderd*ke you left me for?" because that's basically what happened anyway you slice it. So i ignored the message. The next day i came back from class to find an IM on my computer from her saying "i guess you're ignoring me, i just wanted to know how you are and if you wanted to grab a bite to eat." Again i didn't want to speak to her, she was already offline, and i thought the same thing as the day before and didn't feel like playing manipulating games. What part of I'm not speaking to you makes me think i want to be your friend? That's just too hard for me and she knows it. So, several of these songs this girl was singing at my friend's house were songs my ex used to sing. And not only was she singing them, but she was singing them twice; once to practice, and once to record. So after talking this all out with people we've come to determine that this was part of what sparked the event that happened that night. So i went back to school, drank some more Vodka but had my 100 proof, and already had it in my head what i was going to do. I tore apart a few razors and decided to cut my leg. I didn't understand really why i was doing it. I thought i was too old for this, and i remember getting the blade to my skin thinking "why am i doing this, its stupid." i didn't even really want to do it, but i basically made myself anyway, aiming for stitches since the alcohol already would have made me numb to not feel so much pain from them until the next day. However, that didn't happen and i called a friend, who was with the RD. So they came up and i just wanted to talk, but because this happened at school, University Police was called. I was compliant and did everything expected, i wasn't violent, i told him i would do anything he wanted if he just let me have a smoke first, so he agreed. Then i was loosely handcuffed and transported to the hospital in my hometown to have an evalutaion done. They couldn't talk to me until the next day because apparently the amount of alcohol in my system was very high, though i don't know what it was yet. The counselor from school met us there and she told me yesterday that i basically had alcohol poisoning, but i don't know how she can make that judgement without knowing what my BAC was. She stayed with me for about an hour (along with my RD) and said she would come back the next day. However, she did NOT come back and i wound up sitting there alone until 6pm the next day, which made me very angry. The evaluation determined that i did not need to be in a hospital for mental health and they sent me home with my brother so my parents didn't have to find out, since that would have made things worse. However, i did have to stay home until Monday morning because they wouldn't medically clear me to come back to campus until then or i could be arrested. This angered me as well since all they cared about was the liability and repuation of the school. So i felt like going off on the counselor of the school and saying "if i did this because i felt lonely/alone then all you did by not coming back or even calling was validate that feeling." I also wanted to say "this is why people in my situation DON'T ask for help, because you treat them like a criminal. That only makes them think that they shouldn't ask for help next time because they can get kicked out of school or whatever, so next time they won't bother, they will just try to hide it and not say anything. Then what happens if someone does that and something bad happens and the person is seriously injured, or even dies?" This is NOT the way to deal with people in this situation. Anyway i had to spend all weekend at home...with the two people that got together 23 years ago and decided that sex was a good idea, hence our (my twin brother and i) being brought into this wretched world, in an environment that was clearly unsuitable for kids. So being told not to eat her food or drink her soda or water or anything because dad had been in the hospital the week before with pnemonia and they didn't have much money (to feed us basically, though she did one of the nights make us something), i thought to myself "this is definitely not the stress i need right now." There were some comments made by her such as "you're huge, fat, people can't tell the difference between your a** and your face" which was just ridiculous. Then it got on the subject as usual about how WE should contribute to the house and buy food and all of that, since its our responsibility to take care of their bills because she has refused to work for the last ten years. But then it came...a comment that cuts to the bone even when i'm doing well, that is just un-called for and no mother should ever say to their child. A statement she made without knowing what happened with me, without knowing (or caring) what i'm going through, what i feel, anything...The statement "maybe i should start cutting myself so i can suck money out of the state too." Being too tired and too used to hearing hurtful things from her like this even when i was younger, all i could say was "coming from the person who wanted me on disability just so she could get money out of me anyway to live here." I wanted to scream, i wanted to yell, i wanted to bust the world wide open, i wanted to repeatedly and violently hit her in the face until i saw all kinds of blood and slap her and say "what the hell is the matter with you, you f***ing c**t, you are supposed to be my mother! I needed you when i was young, i even need one now sometimes, but where the hell are you!" Stuck in a pipe somewhere, stuck in a nap somewhere, busy following her kids around like a dog when they're home to tell them how worthless they are, to make sure they never feel happy or good about anything they do because what does it matter nayway since its never good enough for you? I saw friends growing up who's mothers loved them, even now i get jealous sometimes. I want the Lifetime mother. I want to go out for icecream with my mom and have her tell me she's proud of me, and girl talk with her, i want to go to the mall, i want a hug once in a while, i want i want i want...but you know what they say, Thou Shalt Not Want. Or as Lao Ma would have said on Xena, "stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating." I wish i could stop. I wish i could erase my memories that keep me up at night. I wish i could go back in time and make my mother not hate me and blame me for everything that went wrong the past ten years, i wish my family wasn't unstable, i wish i hadn't turned into a screw up. But in that house, how could you not? How did i even have a chance? Mom and i have good days sometimes, but how can you live with her one day being your best friend, wanting you around, wanting to watch movies with you, to the next day she can't stand to even look at you and she hates you more than anything in the world? So even when i was about 16-17, my child therapist told me i would have to learn to accept that they weren't going to change, and that i was never going to have the relationship with her that i wanted, not for lack of my trying over and over. Even to get her to show me how to cook things. I remember sitting in the kitchen one night to watch and learn, and she kept telling me to get out. Then she threw down what she was making and refused to make the family dinner until i left the kitchen. Whatever. Hate takes so much energy. I used to be just tired of fighting all the time. Over the past 2 years i grew to resent them. Now i hate them. I used to resent them for bringing us into this world, all this pain. I still loved mom but resented how she treats us, and i resented dad for allowing us to live that way and to let it all go on. The drug use, the hateful words, everything. Now all he says is "don't involve me" and runs away, but if we say something to defend our honor, or hit back to defend ourselves, then he gets involved. So now i hate her for being so hateful to us, and i hate him for letting it all happen. He stands there and listens, and pretend its not happening. You f***ing jerk. You were supposed to be the FATHER, you were supposed to PROTECT us. I've dreamed of pushing him down the stairs. The way he thinks he's so threatening getting 2 centimeters away from your face as he's screaming threats. Well dad, it doesn't work anymore. "Go ahead and do it" is the answer now. "you better make it good, cuz if i get up..." "i'm not scared of you." One incident not long ago i was getting in the shower and he was yelling at me from his room, and it was a fight. I said FU and called him a ****sucker i think. Well he punched the bathroom door a couple times where i was, which has no lock on it now. And i remember him say "DO YOU F-ING HEAR ME, i'll come rip you right the hell out of there!" as i have no clothes on and am now IN the shower. So i said "what are you going to do dad, beat me up?" and he said "YEAH, I WILL!" and i said "well go ahead, i'll have the cops arrest you." and he replied "yeah, well you're gonna need em." I had a friend come bring me back to school that night. Yeah, daddy, you never really did protect us did you? So anyway, back to the original story. I blocked my ex on my AIM so i won't be dealing with anymore of that, and i do not have my cell phone anymore. The story with that was after i went home friday night, i went out Saturday night for my brother's girlfriend's birthday...i'm guessing i fell down somewhere since my knee hurt again and my pant leg was dirty. I got up sunday morning and found in my coat pocket the battery to my phone, and the back of my phone, but not the rest of it, so my brother is going to give me his old one. So i met with the counselor over on campus for about an hour and she talked to me like she thought she knew me, ha ha silly woman. I'm not getting kicked off campus or anything like that, but she wants the drinking to stop. I'm over 21 and i have no room mate, so technically i am allowed to drink and even do it in my dorm room if i want to. However everyone is getting more and more worried about my excessive alcohol use. It seems NONE of my addictions are ever acceptable HA HA. Small joke, you've got to have a sense of humor about these things. I also allowed myself to open up to my RD yesterday. I came back from class and saw she was in her office, so i popped in to apologize and we wound up talking...for 2 hours. That was kind of cool. Ever since i haven't been able to like shut up to people. I'm used to being the strong one, i HAVE to be the strong one. If they see me cry, if I see me cry i feel weak, so i cannot do that. I can't afford to feel week. But they did see me cry, so i felt i should at least explain, they saw much more than crying. How many people see crimson tears on their friends as well? Anyway my actual clinical therapist spoke with me today. We covered a lot of things. My best friend of ten years not really caring about having anything to do with me anymore hurting my feelings, my excessive use of alcohol, why i felt the way i did that night and did what i did, and so on. I told her Alone i can do well, but Lonely i cannot do, and that i thought my not being in a relationship might be getting to me. She said "but everyone goes through that, that's part of dating." and i said "i know, but maybe i just take it differently than most people." I felt like saying i'm too tired, i can't handle having my heart broken 50 more times, that might have been the last serious one. But i didn't. She basically said i need to find some things to do, and spend more time with my friends to fill the void. I wanted to say "friends don't hold you at night, or have sex with you usually." If so i want to know where i can subscribe for some of these friends lol. But we spoke about something we've been talking about for a while now, so i agreed to let her call this out patient alcohol place and see what kind of group thing it is and if they can do anything useful if i attend it. She's going to call me back and let me know what they say and see if i'm still interested. I figured it couldn't hurt to at least listen to what someone might have to say, since i know i drink in excess and i know i self medicate. I know its wrong, but why is it so wrong to have some peace of mind for a night? To drink is fun for me sometimes, but what's wrong with drinking to forget? Have you ever been in pain, pain so bad you just want something, or want to forget something? Just want to pass out so you don't have to lay awake all night feeling guilty about your whole life? Or creating things that you think you should feel guilty about? Or thinking so much about how the bed is empty next to you? Sure you can have random strangers there every now and then, but they don't know you, how well do you know them? They go away, they don't mean much. You don't even need sex with them, even just to be held. But it's a facad. However there are some lucky ones that have a good friend that doesn't mind holding them, or making them feel loved, and that is a good thing to have. My therapist is going to ask her boss if she can start meeting me in the town my school is in, that way i don't have to go home over the long weekends and deal with my madhouse family just to be able to see her, which i think is very cool since that place is no good for me. I guess i'm just going to focus on what i do well for a while. My school work makes me happy and i take pride in it, so that is still going well. I got a 92 on my Literature paper which counted as an exam grade, so once again my amazing ability to write saved my a**. So i think when my school work is done and all of that i will start throwing myself back into the routine of watching the shows like, blogging, talking to friends and whatever. I'm going to TRY to stay away from alcohol, and if it gets too hard maybe only try drinking 1 night a week or so, or maybe just a couple drinks. I'm gonna try though, to take care of myself. It's time for something. It's time for me to be happy. It's time to have faith in myself and hope others can have faith in me. It's time to not let people down anymore as well as myself, "it's time to be good to me." It's time to see things clearly or at least try to, it's time to ask forgiveness, whether i can ever forgive myself is a different story. But anyway, this is yet again another journey, let's see where it brings me, whoever is close enough to me that wants to is welcome to come through it with me. It's time for love, it's time for laughing, it's time for freedom, shame, fear, feeling, honesty, whatever emotion you can think of. "it's time for mercy."

this is a poem i wrote tonight, the lines just came to me and before i knew it i couldn't stop, so this one is a little longer.

Secret By Brianne Thibert 3/3/09

I've got a secret
and i try not to keep it
it's just about night time
but still i must reap it
and its kind of vague
but eats me like a plague
its loneliness
at times turned to rage
and in the daylight
you wouldn't know how much i fight
but its a different story
several hours past twilight
when the sunlight is shining
you won't find me hiding
its even been rumored
you might see me smiling
but when the sun goes down
i start looking around
my heart beats faster
when there's less sound
and sometimes i shake
how much more can i take?
the pain in my soul
my wreched heart when it aches
you don't understand
i beg you please take my hand
why must i always
take it like a man?
sometimes i'm not that strong
i've been alone for so long
i can't express it enough
by playing all the sad songs
and i start to panic
almost bordering manic
its a smoldering fire
so don't try to fan it
sometimes i escape when i sing
but with broken wings
even a crippled swan
can't do too many things
i toss and i turn
i've been beaten and burned
can't somebody show me
what i've never learned?
sometimes i'm loud
at times stick out in a crowd
but i wear this pain
like a grim reaper's shroud
and without a doubt
i'd rather just scream and shout
how can they still not see
and dare to ask questions about
what's wrong with me
and why's it so hard to see
that if i just learn to smile
i'll be so happy
it must take less to ignore
than ask what i'm grieving for
or the reason i'm drunk
and passed out on the floor
yeah i feel pain
and i feel shame
but i don't understand
who or what i can blame
i'd like to heal
and i'd like to feel
something not full of hurt
something shockingly real
something more than a crutch
something warm to the touch
something that won't
disinigrate or get crushed
does anyone know
how it bothers me so?
its blood or its tears
either way it will flow
its like bitter cold snow
or striking one final blow
one thing i know
how to do is to go
but won't someone stay
and tell me its okay?
what is it about me
that makes them run away?
is this my destiny?
is this all that's left for me?
if they gave half a chance
they might actually see
if you look in my eyes
you might get a surprise
are you gentle enough
to strip away the disguise?
could you handle the tears
that have been hidden for years
behind endless brick walls
and rivers of beers?
i've mastered the fall
and i know how to crawl
i can push away
so i won't feel at all
i know how to fight
and what i shouldn't act like
and i know a few things
that make me feel alright
i like the mall
and i used to draw
i can be earth shakingly sexy
when i dare to stand tall
and i've wished on the stars
but still get chained to the bars
the agony written
down my legs and my arms
but i like to be charmed
and kept away from all harm
there isn't anything here
that would cause such alarm
i know there's someone out there
who sees how much i care
i've got so many amazing
things i can share
i like the river
i don't like to shiver
but i've got a pain
that gets bigger and bigger
no i don't like the dark
it is too much for my heart
i never liked it before
and i don't think i will start

not sure where to go with this one yet, but this is what i have so far that i want to add to.

Broken Wings By Brianne Thibert

But these broken wings
have led me to fall
Again and again
i've been forced to crawl
and there's things in the night
when darkness comes
Won't you stitch them back on (the wings)
Before the daylight is gone?
I try to rebuild
a wall made of stone
Cuz sooner or later
We all sleep alone
When it comes down to it
it cuts to the bone
It gets old trying to fill
the void with a phone

so i feel like i really accomplished something since today i reached 1000 forum posts! It has taken forever lol. there should be an emblem for that. there should also be one for writing a certain number of reviews (higher than 15. like maybe 100, 500, 1000). not much has been going on lately except going out on the weekends that i can, and doing the school thing during the week. my neck and back have been killing me the last couple days, which i starting to get quite annoying and it is making me very cranky. mother wants us to stay on campus this weekend because she can't stand us being home, even though when we are home we are usually with friends. she gets mad because we don't have classes on fridays this semester, so we sometimes come home on thursday nights. she gets mad because all she cares about is watching her 23847329473923475 shows on tv all night long, and not letting us use the dvr recorder. so if we can't find friends we have to sit in our rooms all night which is boring, and i would rather just stay on campus where i have my tv and the internet. anyway, i'm just trying to stay focused. i'm doing good so i think everything will be fine as far as school goes this semester. one of our breaks starts on the 14th (yuk for that day by the way), and since we are done that thursday, break will really start on the 12th and class will start back up on the 23rd. anyway that's what i've been up to, keep in touch everyone and hopefully i'll have some time over break to catch up with some of you. i've also been extremely excited that the L word is back on. i'm not happy about what happened to Jenny, or that there's only 8 episodes and this is the last season, or that the Ourchart website based from the chart in the show shut down, but hopefully the spin off show will start shortly after this season is over. i just got click happy and bought seasons 1-5 off ebay, can't wait until 6 comes out!

I'm not sure about this one yet, i haven't decided if i want to change a few things or not. this was kind of written about mulinda, (which i came to terms with and let go of once and for all after this was written.) but kind of not. it was written right before Ana and i broke up, though that wasn't why we split. I hope you like it

"Go To Sleep" By Brianne Thibert 11/20/08

Honey i can't go to sleep
I might wait another week
If i sleep i'll dream of you...
and that's not something i can do...
I can't close my eyes and lay me down
No, i can't turn down the sound
I can't have you here with me...
Honey i can't go to sleep

I'll put a pot of coffee on
Try not to play our favorite song
There must be something i can do
i don't wanna think of you
But your face is all i see
and it eats away at me
Oh, how easy it would be...
If i could only go to sleep

Oh you've been gone for so long
But you've been here all along
Why can't you just leave me alone?
Take the numbers off the phone
yeah i know it must be wrong
That's why i sit up all night long
Oh, you took the best of me...
That's why i just can't go to sleep

Honey i can't go to sleep
I might wait another week
If i sleep i'll dream of you...
and that's not something i can do...
I can't close my eyes and lay me down
No, i can't turn down the sound
I can't have you here with me...
Honey i can't go to sleep

(Bridge)
Oh, i thought i'd gotten over you
I thought i had a clearer view
I did my time and i moved on...
But when it gets dark i'm not alright
Yeah i still turn on all the lights
Honey, i still wish that you weren't gone

A friend stopped over just today
Said "there's something i should say
girl, i'm worried about you
I know what you're going through
It's not a game that you should play
the way you're crashing through the day
so why don't you lay down on me?
Yeah, honey you can go to sleep

Yeah honey i think i'll go to sleep
I can't take another week
Awake and crying over you
That's not something i can do
And who's this other face i see?
Maybe you'll lay down with me
It will be heaven i believe...
When we both go to sleep

Hey everyone, I had some lines running in my head tonight and started writing them down. The next thing i know it was flowing out of me like it had been there forever, so here's the new song i wrote tonight. It's awesome because i actually have a beat to this one. Like, i know how i want to sing it and a tune to go with it. It's a soft, slow one. It's not about anyone specific, its more general. It's sort of as if some girl that thinks she can fix everything by talking to you for one night is here to save me, and i'm telling her basically that she hasn't been through the things i have, and she is naive and doesn't have a clue about me. It's about feeling all the heartache for all the times my heart has broken, and not wanting to fall in love and go through it all again.

"Want To Fall" By Brianne Thibert 1/15/09

You say you can love me
Oh but we just met
You think you've got power
To make me forget
Tell me what can you
What can you really do?
Think you can kill the pain
Just by callin' my name?
Oh your voice is nice
And your company too
But can you make me forget
Why I don't want to fall for you?

Pretty stranger
You come here with your gifts
Your star studded dreams
And empty promises
Oh but you don't know
Don't know what i've been through
You think the cure for what ails me
Is with the likes of you
Tell me what do you hear
In a silence that's true?
Oh can you make me forget
Why i don't want to fall for you?

Now don't get me wrong
I've been alone for so long
And all i can do
Is write a bittersweet song
But can you read through the bars
And overlook these scars?
Tell me what can you see
Oh, in a girl like me?
Can you fight shadows
And unfriendly ghosts too?
And can you make me forget
Why i don't want to fall for you?

Tell me can you
Lift an insecure doubt
Without having loved me
Or taken me out?
Tell me what makes you think
You have a thing that i need?
Does a pure thing like you
Know what it's like to bleed?
Tell me have you cried
Cried at night like i do?
You'd never make me forget
Why i don't want to fall for you...

Oh, i'm sure i'll regret
Why i don't want to fall for you

So i'm sure everyone has been missing me quite a bit around here. I apologize, i was so busy with school. I'm now 2-0, made it through 2 semesters now. i got a 3.09 GPA, i missed the dean's list by one and one tenth of a point. My grades were as follows:
Intro to Info Tech-A
Sociology-B+
Criminal Law-B
Biology-B
Intermediate Algebra-C (i can't believe i finally passed it again)


I've been a little lost lately and it hurts, but i'm trying to deal with it. Ana and i, all we had been doing was fighting all the time, and we were making each other miserable...so, we broke up the night before Thanksgiving. I pretty much initiated it, and though it was hard, it was pretty much mutual. I tried a few times to get her back, said hey let's work on it, but she didn't really want to have anything to do with that. She graduated this semester and has big plans for her nursing career, and i guess she's just too busy for me. We said maybe in time when she settles down we could try things again, but i have a feeling it's really over for good. I don't think either one of us is going to wait either, we said to each other if we meet someone then go for it. It sucks, and Christmas is my favorite holiday. It's also the exact same time of year i always find myself alone, except for last Christmas. I was excited that i was going to get an IPOD shuffle from ana's mom, but apparently she gave it to Wendy. That's ok, i didn't really expect to still get it anyway. So i went on a pretty good sized bender and started drinking quite a bit. I wound up in the ER with what they said was PVC's, where your heart stops and beats irregularily. The dr on campus said it could be from drinking, stress, too much caffeine, whatever, or a combo of all. She was guessing that because it was also finals week and i was dealing with everything. She did however write me a script to get a holter monitor, so they can monitor my heart for a bit. The only problem with that is if the monitor doesn't pick something up in the time i'm wearing it, then they can't really figure anything out. I haven't gone to get it yet, i'm not really sure why. I guess i figure i really don't need it. So i titled this entry Indigo Christmas instead of Blue Christmas, becuase i've been listening to the Indigo Girls quite a bit lately. A lot of the songs are sad, but they have held a great deal of meaning to me lately, moreso than they have in the past. Things on the homefront are still kind of crappy too, but i guess not much ever changes in my life. The one thing i'm greatful for through all of this is my friends though, and my brother. I've been talking to an old friend who always made me feel better, and we've always cared about each other, so i've been able to take some comfort in that. I keep trying to tell myself that i do Single better anyway, and that now i can do whatever i want and it's all fun and dandy. I just hate being alone so much though, it never gets any easier. Mulinda's birthday (dec. 2ond) wasn't as hard this year. I had been texting her on and off. However, last week i texted her some song lyrics and i got a message back telling me that it must be the wrong person. I said no, and she got back to her old manipulative game playing ways, and said "why are you texting me songs when you know Michele and i are married and i told you no games." Imagine, her telling ME no games, ha. I told her i just felt like i was losing everyone in my life and that i was sorry for being stupid. I told her i felt alone and thought maybe she could be there for me as a friend (not that i haven't done it for her 12938473 times, though she always treats me like garbage". What did she say to me? "talk to your family, counsolor, girlfriend, i know you have a support system. i have a lot of stuff on my plate right now and can't be the friend you need, sorry." i said "first of all, my family sucks, i don't have a g/f anymore, and just forget it." Anyway, i've decided to really clear out the crap in my life that i don't care to have, the stuff that really brings me down. So, i deleted her numbers out of my phone, i'm so done with her this time. She's hurt me too many times, and i'm so done with it for good. I also found in my wallet where i had them written down and threw them in the garbage. Next time i'm on hotmail i will delete her brother from there, so i have no temptation to ask him how to contact her. That way i'd never be able to find her again, not without really trying hard. I also feel ready to cover the tattoo of her name on my back finally. I don't want to be alone but, i do get hit on and stuff. I'm not claiming to be a babe, but i'm a great person and a great catch, i know how to have fun, i make people laugh, i'm talented and i don't think i'm too bad looking. So, maybe i'll meet someone who just wants to have fun that i can show a good time. I have a feeling i'm going to keep myself single for a long time and just do that thing for a while. It seems to work better for me since i'm not great with relationships. I do hope though someday to meet someone who likes me for me, who doesn't want to change me. I broke the rules for ana and i knew i shouldn't, but i was so lonely i figured it couldn't hurt to try something new. Rule 1. never date a bisexual or straight girl, rule number 2. (usually) never date someone younger than me. Since in the past i've always had a thing for women older than i, maybe that's how i should keep things. I don't know what will happen now, i'm still a little lost, but this couldn't have come at a better time. At least i have the time off from school now to try to figure things out and to get myself together before the next semester starts. I am still going back to school and am hoping to do as well as i have been, becuase it's something i've always wanted and knew i could do, and i'm doing it. I feel some poetry coming on fairly soon. I wear this pain like an invisible cloak, just smiling and breathing, and you might not be able to see the pain i hold right now, but if any one of you were to look hard enough into my eyes, you could see the miles of agony this life has reaped on me, be it only twenty three years, and i am tired. I am so utterly tired...I don't know. Maybe Gabfan can write me a little something to read, and hearing from all of you wouldn't be too bad either. I am still going to try to have as happy a holiday as i can, and i hope and wish all of that and the best to all of you for the holidays as well. I should have more time to check on things now, so feel free to drop by more often. Here is an Indigo Girl's song that i like to sing:

Indigo Girls
"don't give that girl a gun"

She's got a case against me
a jury of my peers
and the rage of the righteous
screaming in her ears
i'm not dignified anymore
i can't say i didn't call
i say "i love you"
but she don't, hear me anymore

and don't, give that girl a gun
i said now don't, give that girl a gun
she's already one
she's already won

I made a bad connection
she says i went astray
i jumped ship, abandoned my post
i didn't think i lost my way
but oh how the might fall
i saw her crack a smile
i don't got a chance for redemption
she don't, believe in the miracle mile

so take the first shot baby it'll be real clean
i'm your girl, strong and mean
the second shot baby it'll be real cool
i'm your fool

i said now don't, give that girl a gun
i said now don't, give that girl a gun
she's already one
she's already won

yeah....
i said "hold me close aw
cuz something's happening
why can't we come together?"
she said "i doubt we ever will
ever will again"
i said don't, give that girl a gun
said now don't, give that girl a gun
she's already one
she's already won
i said now don't give that girl a gun
i said now don't give that girl a gun
she's already one
she's already won

so take the first shot baby it'll be real clean
i'm your girl, strong and mean
the second shot baby it'll be real cool
i'm your fool
i'm your fool
i'm your fool...
don't, give that girl a gun...

Hey all! I'm sorry it's been so long since i've been able to write here, i honestly don't like the new setup and i have just been uber busy with school and everything else. I haven't been feeling well a lot because i'm always in pain or sick and it's starting to bring my whole demeanor down because i'm frustrated with it. I have terrible mood swings and a lot of the time am just miserable because of it. Plus on top of that i'm trying to function and do what i'm supposed to be doing. School is still going well, and we are going to be on thanksgiving break in about nine days, THANK GOD! When break is over we come back and have classes for a week, then we have finals, yay!!! I think it's safe to say i made it through another semester! I'm doing well in all my classes except Intermediate Algebra. I've never been good at it and i have a C in the class right now. I just got a 68 on our last test which was my lowest grade this semester, but it's still passing by 8 points. However it really upset me because i would really hate to walk into the final with a C, because if i happen to fail the final (which being realistic i probably will because this math is pointless and absurdly hard) then i might be able to pass the class with only a D, maybe. I hope i do better than that but we'll have to see. My schedule next semester is pretty easy. I thought it was going to be really hard because the dean has to cut money to save and he is enforcing a 4 day work week starting next semester, which means we get a three day weekend. However, it also means a lot of our classes have been pushed to online classes, and other students are getting crazy schedules like having class unil 11 a night, which i think is just stupid. So then we are off from about the second week of December until sometime in January, and i am so ready for a break. The spring semester is so much easier because we get two breaks in there and i think a couple extended weekends. The fall semesters we only get like the one break i think. I've been wanting to watch Xena lately but have been trying to catch up on other shows that i've been trying to watch. I'm slowly making my was through Queer as Folk which is an amazing show, Desperate Housewives, Army Wives is done for the season, WWE, Grey's Anatomy, and i am waiting for the L Word to come back on which should be back sometime in January. Other than that everything seems to be going well. Ana and i have been hitting some rough patches but we always seem to come out of it ok in the end, so we're just trying to get through the semester. A lot of it is because we don't get to spend much time together becuase we are so busy and our scedules conflict. She graduates after this semster though, so maybe things will start being a little easier. I started smoking again and she wasn't very happy about that either, but i just told her she has to stop trying to force me to change. I will quit again, but it's going to be when i want to, and because i want to. I do want to quit just because it's healthier and its an expensive habit, but it is hard and i didn't really have enough drive to not do it. I haven't been doing much karaoke in the last few weeks because the bar where the friday night shows usually were had my friends stop playing there for a while because of some stupid drama crap that was happening. They still have a show every now and then at a different place, but it isn't very often. Their daughter, my friend Courtney got married last weekend. I can't believe she's married already. But she's happy so that's good. The weather has been cold and rainy for the last couple days, but it was nice before that. I wish it would make up its mind. It was snowing earlier and i wish it wouldn't because i hate the snow and the cold. It's pretty to look at but it's a beast to try to walk through over here on campus. And since the dean is trying to save money where he can, he's decided that he's going to cut plowing in some places; which is retarded because our entire campus is hills. And my brother, our friends and i all live in the dorm the farthest away from everything, so we have to walk up even more of them. So we can all just slip and break our legs and sue the school for inadequate snow removal. They don't plow good enough as it is. It sucks walking through feet of snow on top of inches of ice. So, i hope the snow stays away as long as possible. There was a stabbing on campus a few weeks ago that scared us all. It happened right behind my dorm. There were fights going on around here everywhere, blood on the walls even and stuff, and i was like "something bad is going to happen." Later that night one of my friends called me and told me what happened, so i went to the RA office wanting to know and they were trying to keep it quiet but i figured it out anyway. Then they sent out the Newark alert, which is a mass text messaging system that sends out an alert to everyone's cell phone (that have subscribed to it, which i haven't yet) if there is a crisis going on. Things like that don't happen up here, and i got angry because all the kids from the city are all like "oh you all are making a big deal out of nothing, we're from the city we see it all the time." And it's like well we DON'T. We don't like that stuff up here, that's why we live up here, that stuff doesn't happen. If you want to terrorize your city and be around that stuff all the time then go on back down there, but don't bring your gang wars and drugs and crime and everything up here to our cities and our schools. A bunch of kids have been arrested, suspended, or expelled. One of the kids that was arrested for the stabbing was seventeen and get this....He had 3 pending felonies before this happened and now he's getting attempted murder. How the hell can someone like that get into this school, apparently they don't do any background checks. People are transfering next semester because it has been so ridiculous this year. Other kids dropped out and went home because they didn't want to be here and be around it, and because some of them were getting threatened as well. I can't say i blame them. Anyway, that's about all i have to say right now. I'll try to do better to keep you all updated more often now that i have a little bit more free time lately. Leave me lots of comments, i miss you guys!

so yeah, i hate the new site and the way it's set up, but i decided to come off my little strike long enough just to say, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! YAYYY

so yesterday ana and i were celebrating our one year anniversary and we went to the mall where i popped into FYE and you'll never guess what i found, like it was a sign. first i found seasons 1 and 6 of hercules, used of course but they were being sold for like $13 and $17, so of course i bought them. and the first season also includes all 5 movies. Also i've been recording a show on tv since it's been re running that i used to watch called Third Watch. imagine my surprise when i also find season one of that, so i bought that used instead of paying full price brand new. there's nothing wrong with the discs.

ana and i tried to have a good time but yet again i am sick. i've been fighting a fever on and off for 4 days, sore throat, congestion and nasal, and yesterday my stomach decided it wanted to throw up. yeah it's been fun. So ana does all this sweet stuff for me and i felt like an a**hole because i couldn't do a whole lot for her, because yet again i was sick. but i still tried...i got her some of the perfume she likes and we went out to lunch, then the casino to play $23, then to the mall because we decided to skip the movie since there wasn't much playing that we actually wanted to see. We bought her stepmom a bird for her other one to have a friend because the other bird they had died a couple months ago.

today we're going to our friend shannon's because it's her birthday and shannon promised to drink with me. (she's not much of a drinker.) however, since i've been sick i might just cut that back to having A drink with her for her birthday. we're still going to try to have fun. there's going to be all kinds of food, and rich is hooking up the system so everyone can sing. we'll still have a good time.

Lowe's called ana and she got an interview. they pretty much hired her already, she just has to go in today for the drug test and then hopefully they'll tell her when she can start work. we kind of want to know because her sister invited us down to her house for a fourth of july party, and we don't know if we can make the plans to do it yet because ana doesn't know what her work schedual is going to look like yet.

that's pretty much it for the time being. mom is still as horrible as ever so i really cannot wait to get back to school. i'm not talking to my ex now, i guess it was just like a 2 day thing. not a problem anyway. oh, i also quit smoking. I still have a couple here and there if i'm drinking or whatever, but other than that i haven't been. i figured it would help save some money.

So yeah, i take it back; today wasn't really a better day. It was all fine and everything when ana came over to see me, since i only get to see her on wednesdays because she has summer class all week, and then i see her on the weekends. Well mom started the whole "i want her out of here by 5, she's gone at 5, i mean it ana i don't want to have to tell you 10 times to get out of my house when 5 o clock rolls around..." So all ana said was "it's only 4." Mom decided to start her comments with me and Ana had enough of all the stuff. Finally she was like "nevermind, i'm just going to leave." Well that made me mad. The one thing i was looking forward to and i have to be punished by not getting to spend much time with my girlfriend because mom wanted to be a rude b*** again. Ana stormed out the door and i was pissed, so i picked up a foot stool and threw it at mom not thinking it would actually hit her. Ok first of all, the way she carried on you would've thought i chopped her arm off or something. She fell on the floor and started screaming and crying, so i flew out the door (as my brother rushed to see if she was ok) without any shoes and told ana to hurry up and get in the car, so we took off. I thought for sure mom would call the cops, but she called dad at work instead (who i found out in fact told her to call the cops but she didn't.) We went to sit in the car down by the river so i could calm down. I knew it was wrong and all but i was to enraged to care because i'm sick of her s*it, but then i felt a little bad seeing her face in my head and what she sounded like. Matt called me to let me know everything was ok, but that she had called dad. I called him and he started in with the whole "you can't be getting physical with her (after he stood there last night and let her hit ME)" and he said they're going to have to make other arrangements for me. That made me so mad and dad was yelling at me and i said "YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU PICK HER OVER ME AND WIND UP THROWING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE I AM NEVER COMING BACK AGAIN EVER!" and i hung up on him. Ana took me to get something to eat b/c i was hungry and we hadn't eaten all day. Part of the fight with mom started because i grabbed a donut for ana and one for me because we hadn't eaten, and she yelled at me because i'm not supposed to eat them because they're for dad's lunch...a whole box, just like EVERYTHING in this house is for dad's lunch. After dinner we pulled up out front and picked matt up and we all went for a walk. When we came back my neighbors were out on the porch and it was Alyssa's 21st b-day which i forgot about, so we hung out over there for a while waiting for her to get home. i was saying goodbye to ana when matt came outside and asked me if i wanted to come to wal mart with them, and told me i should come over later. Mom was inside and thought he said that i should come HOME later, so she was like "no she's not, and stop f-ing telling her she can!" she was yelling at dad inside too. This was after dad told matt to tell me i could come home as long as there was no fighting. I came inside and she tried to say that dad said i had to stay somewhere else, and matt said "no dad said she could come home." Now she's in there trying to be best friends with my brother. I'm so tired, i really can't take much more of this. I don't know why she hates me so much. I've longed for the mother daughter relationship that you see in movies for so long, the kind where mom and daughter go to the movies or out for ice cream, where they are friends and can talk to each other...a long time ago my therapist told me i would probably never have that and that i should learn to accept it. I HAVE, but it's hard because i wish for the mom i used to have. I hate having to walk around on egg shells every day and just take the love and the good when she's in a good mood. How can you measure love in doses? Anyway, i guess i'll try harder and be stronger like xena. Though she wasn't afraid to kick the crap out of someone when it was deserved, she also knew how to plan her battles and show restraint. I guess i just have to try a little harder...

so it all started today yet again with mom's usual loving "you're a fat f-ing pig" and "you're a useless piece of s**t" to my brother and i, which we've pretty much become used to, but ya know. She called us every name in the book today even though we tried to be nice and do stuff she wanted us to do, but that never counts. So when dad got home she decided to start a huge fight, and wouldn't allow us to have our friend Jess come over (who my brother is seeing.) Mom locked the front door yesterday and told us she couldn't come over also. She acts like this place is a crack house, and the only reason she does it is A. just to make our lives difficult, and B. because when we have people here it makes her feel uncomfortable because she can't sit at the kitchen table and smoke pot all night.

So Matt and i had enough of it and she was badmouthing us at the dinner table, and dad yet again pretends that this is all not happening right in front of his face. When i told him to do something about his psychotic wife (not what i said), he told me not to bring him into it. So we all got in this fight for about a half an hour until mom went upstairs and cried to dad. She says all this stuff to us, but when we say something back she cries to our "father" until he winds up screaming at US. So he came to her defense tonight and told Matt and I that we WILL be out of this house by next summer at the latest and bla bla bla, that we can't talk to her like that, and whatever. I let him have it and was like "i can't believe you stand there and hear what she says to us and allow all this to happen, and you're in here screaming at us in OUR faces! How can you tell us we can't talk to her like that when stand there and listen to all the abusive things she's saying to us and yet you do NOTHING."

So he threw our age in our face. I know we're old enough to do whatever, but i'm on disability and can't afford anyplace else right now (which would also be pointless since i got back to school in August), and Matt goes to school full time too and he can't force someone in this town to give him a job...See, WE'RE the lazy pieces of crap because we don't work and we "sleep all day" (coming from the woman that starts drinking a pot of coffee at 7pm and doesn't go to bed until like 4a.m. so she can sleep all day and make it look like she did all kinds of work when really she's just trashing our house and cluttering it with more junk). I might wind up moving in with Ana for the summer.

So anyway i'd finally had enough and dad was in my room screaming at my brother and I and mom just comes threw my door and crack me one across the arm...Well, that was it. I grabbed ahold of her and shoved her into the wall and she tried to hit me again so I put her in a headlock and cracked her one. Mind you, dad is standing there watching all of this happen, until he decides to jump in and try to pull me off her. That didn't really work but i wound up on the floor and he threw her out of my room. After she said something about calling the cops i said "go ahead, you hit me first!" and he was like "you did hit her first." I almost fell over that he said something let alone something that was remotely in my defense. So anyway, before SOMEONE called the cops Matt and I waited for Jess to get here and we took off and went to Wal Mart for a while to get away and cool off.

Do you know how embarassing this is? I am a 22 year old who PAYS to live here and i can't even have my friends or my g/f over, and neither can Matt, unless mom isn't having one of her mood swings, but until then EVERY day we have to walk around on egg shells wondering "is she gonna be our friend today or will she hate us today? When's her mood going to change?" Here we are trying to make something of our lives, and we just keep getting pooed all over because....because WHY?

I don't understand. Matt is getting a BA and that's not good enough because he can't find a job right now. I'm back in school and that's not good enough because i sit on my ass all day...because THEY made me go on disability. The only thing that bothers them is that SHE can't take more money from us, because she's gonna charge matt rent too when he gets a job...so WE are the lazy pieces of crap, even though she hasn't worked in 10 years (which she blamed on my psych problems, most of which derrived from her), and uses her kids as a meal ticket to get through life so she doesn't have to work and contribute any money.

She hasn't cooked dinner in like a week, (she keeps ordering out and yet calls me fat) and tonight she makes something really disgusting....Velveeta shells and cheese with tuna in it. It was gross and i said so, to which she responded that i should just go out and eat with ana (because we go out to eat when we're together because there's never anything in this house and mom gets jealous over it.). However, later when dad got home after i ate that crap, she goes out and gets her and my father a pizza...so she left that crap on the stove and made this macaroni stuff with ragu sauce for matt and i to eat. Matt had some of the pizza, she knows i don't like pizza but i'll eat it over that other stuff. I tried to make a sanwhich with my dinner but she threw all the good meat out and all we had was sliced ham off the bone from the store that i don't like, so i threw it away anyway. I'm hungry but i don't dare eat any pizza because i'm a "fat pig" and all i do is eat all the time...I can't believe there is nothing we can do about this (besides move out, which we really can't), and that he can allow it to happen, and that no one can do anything...I tried to have her arrested once for pot, and do you know what the cop said, "well ma'am, we're not here for that." One time when i was on probation we got in a fight and i called the cops. He got here and i said i wanted something done about this and wanted to press charges. My father had just got home so what did he do? He told mom to press charges back against me, because i would go to jail as a probation violation because i wasn't supposed to have any police contact. This is the family i live with. So i guess the only thing i have to ask right now is, WHO F-ING LIVES LIKE THIS?

so yeah, i'm pretty angry right now. if i could plead temporary insanity i would totally kill my mother, and i'd have a pretty good shot at getting off with the insanity plea too; all they would have to do is take a look at my record. seriously, i'm so sick of her telling my brother and i how worthless we are, that we're nothing but a piece of s**t, that we should get the f**k out and get our own place...bla bla bla. so tonight she was saying the same stuff at dinner as usual, and my father, the pathetic excuse for a "man" with no backbone just runs on upstairs like a little b**ch like he always does and just lets it all happen. He seriously watches it all happen right in front of his face but pretends it doesn't...he is the biggest p*ssy i've ever met. i know we're 22 years old, but come on. i don't know who i hate more, my mother for making our lives such hell since we were 9, or my father for allowing all the crap to happen in our house. he's the father, he was the man, he was supposed to protect us...and she knows we can't afford to get out and get our own place right now because of college and everything, and she makes sure to take any money from us any chance she gets...so anyway, she decided to crack my brother across the back tonight, which just pissed me off. and when you know how close my twin brother and i am, NOBODY hits him...so i stood up and told her if she wanted to hit someone to try it out on me, that he couldn't hit her back but i sure as hell could. she got in my face and said "oh yeah, what the f**k are you gonna do about it?" so i got back in her face and she was like "oh BIG girl" and said it again as a crack about my weight. so i took a step forward and she grabbed a squirt bottle full of 409 that she was apparently going to spray in my eyes as a dirty fight. however, she must've thought twice about it because she decided to take off into the back room instead. matt and i decided to go for a walk, even though it's like 293479437650984376 degrees here. so when we got back i was going to sit in the living room and possibly watch tv, which is nearly impossible since she drinks a pot of coffee every night and watches 10,000 episodes of her crime shows and the marathons and smokes pot. but whatever. so she decided to unplug the fan in the living room and take that, and shut off the air conditioner and told us that we couldn't use it because she had them running for 14 hours. first she yelled at us for having the windows UPSTAIRS open while the AC was DOWNSTAIRS...apparently because of the hot air that would come through the windows. however, she told my father that she shut the AC off because she was going to open the front door...i guess to let a breeze in. so she was yelling at us for the same thing she was going to do? matt and i have no AC in our rooms, so we had to open the windows because the fans were only blowing around hot air. mom doesn't care because she got to enjoy the AC all day, and dad doesn't care because he has an AC upstairs in their room, so the only ones to suffer will be matt and I, and they do it on purpous. i seriously can't wait to go back to school.

I failed my road test because the prick had me parallel park at 3pm in the afternoon when school was getting out, on a busy street right before an intersection traffic light where no one would ever dream of trying to do this park. there were at least 3 cars behind me on my butt and they wouldn't go around me because they thought i had my signal light on to turn at the traffic light. i told the instructor that but he just told me that i had to put the car in reverse or the cars behind me wouldn't know what i was doing. i couldn't back up. so i did it anyway and they finally went around me, and he told me i was too far away from the curb and that when i backed out i was in the middle of traffic...of course i was, that's where he made me do it! First he wanted me to do it behind 2 vehicles parked on the side of the street. so after that i knew i messed up so it just went downhill from there. so now i have to work on that some more. my parents were going to give me their other car if i paid to have the breaks fixed on it, but like anything else they say that was just a bunch of bull, and now they're not giving it to me. they're using the excuse that its not safe because there's other stuff wrong with it. really the reason is because they have never done a thing in our lives to make things easy on us unless it benefits them, so this is just another thing to fall in that category.

so i didn't win the karaoke contest. Ana and i made it to finals and she won 3rd place which is awesome for her and i'm happy about that, but it kind of hurt my feelings that i didn't place. i got beat by this older woman who couldn't carry a tune in a dump truck and you could hardly hear her, but oh well i guess. the judges from the radio station that were supposed to be there didn't even show up or call, so they wound up having to use other people from the bar to be the judges. the other people that won were exactly who i expected would. the girl who won first place acted all cocky that night which really wasn't like her, and she brougth three tables of people wtih her who kept saying "here's the winner, and the winner is" all night which i thought was kind of rude since they were saying it before the contest was even over, or had even started.

so the fact that my ex has been on my mind lately has been bothering me. i've been thinking about her and she's been popping up in my dreems and i don't know why, which bothers me. one dream i had the other night wrenched my heart a little because it seemed so real. so i spent yesterday and last night trying to track her down so i could find out if she's still alive, and maybe how she is doing. i hate that part of me can't let that last little bit of her go, but i fear that it's probably going to be there forever. i just have to know. so she texted me today and we only got to talk a little bit which sucks, since its so hard to have a decent conversation through text messaging, but i guess it's free for her. i asked her if maybe we could talk online or on the phone sometime when she has free time. I guess she's pretty busy with work. i did tell her that ana and i are doing good though.

i have a DR's appointment tomorrow and another appointment on thursday. i'm mad because the guy from the VESID program that is supposed to help me with financial aid for school hasn't been returning my emails, and hasn't been accepting phone calls conveniently, and i need to get ahold of him so he can process my FAFSA and let me know how much help he can give me. this all needs to be done ASAP because the next semester starts in august, and last semester i almost didn't get to start classes because i went through this with him and he waiting until the last minute and until the VESID guy from the school called and dogged him about my bill. i guess it just hasn't been that great of a week.

on the plus side though, ana and i have been doing really well. we haven't had any major fights in like 2 weeks, just a little tiff, and we've been getting along great. her mother even came out to the karaoke finals and talked to me, bought me drinks and recorded us singing, it was neat since my parents of course thought of an excuse not to go yet again. i know its hard for them to go to a bar, but dad just doesn't like to get off his ass and mom uses "dad won't let me go to a bar" as an excuse. one day when i graduate and have a career and move far away from here and have a successful happy life and never come back that often or call so much, they're going to wonder why and regret the way they treated me and my brother, but by then it'll be too late. i'm making a life for myself so i won't need or have to depend on them, and i swear to god i will never look back.

lol so yeah...The weather has been dark and crappy and it's been really cold lately, which depresses me. Summer is my favorite season and i thought it was coming early this year, but after the weather we've been getting it's starting not to look so good for an early summer. I guess i'll just have to wait. So, after finals were finished Ana and i went to her sister's house in Greece, NY which was a nice little get away. Because of the weather we didn't get to use the pool or the hot tub, but we drank, ate bagle bites, got new movies, and they even rented me the WWE pay per view that i wanted to see. Ana's sister and her fiancee spent a lot of money on me because they refused to let me pay for anything on the account that i am a "broke college student" lol. We ate out at some really nice places and got to ride in the Hummer. We went to the mall and to this cool place in Buffalo called Dave and Busters, which is a huge arcade place where you win tickets to turn in for prizes. They had a bar there and food too, it was awesome. We were gone for 5 days, and when we got home we went to see our friend Jess, who missed us while we were gone and had sent me a text message informing me to "never leave her again." lol. Last night we all went out to our friends Jay and Melissa's to hang out for a little while, which brings us to today. Ana and i are going to go out to dinner and then i have to find something to do for the rest of the night. It's really hard to get back into the swing of things after school. I'm used to being in class all day and doing homework, i had a nice routine down. Now i have nothing to do all day and it's starting to make me stir crazy. I'm the type of person who always likes to have something going on, i don't usually like to stay in one place for too long doing nothing because i get bored easily. So, the school ripped me off by charging me $79 dollar phone bill because they were charging me long distance fees for calling my friends cell phones and houses which were clearly local, but that's college for you. Last night i found out they put a hold on my account because apparently now i have to pay $97 for something else that they didn't say, which means i can't get my grades until i pay it. I'm going to call the school and throw a fit because i don't think i should have to pay this as well, but whatever. Good thing i'm smart and had my brother check my grades for me the first day they were posted, which broke down as follows:

Contemporary American Fiction- B+
Correctional Philosophy- B+
Criminal Procedure- B+
Beginning Algebra- B+
Early American History- C+

It's great though, i really feel like i've accomplished something and i'm very proud of myself. I worked hard and studied and did my work even though i would have rather have been doing other things at times, but it paid off. I had an A in algebra all semester and lost it at the end which bummed me out a bit, but it's ok. This makes my GPA a 3.0. This is a new experience for me to actually have finall finished a semester. Now i'm just looking forward to the 3 months we have off for summer!

hey guys! wow, sorry it's been so long since i've been around. i've been so busy with school and everything i just get caught up easily. this is the last week of classes and next week is our final exams! yay i finally made it to the end of a semester, now let's see if i pass all my finals lol. i'm so ready for school to be over for the summer. i'm looking forward to vacation, hanging with my friends, sleeping in, having time for video games(i just bought God of War II for my ps2 and it's AWESOME. i couldn't find God of War 1) and movies, i won't be so tired all the time, no homework...then we come back in August. next week after finals we're going to ana's sisters to have a little getaway, we always have a good time down there. Grey Goose on tap, a tiki bar room, a bar downstairs, hot tub, heated pool, fire pit, big screen tv....and we usually go out somewhere too. i took ana to red lobster on saturday because friday night she was sick, but i think she's a little better now. i don't wanna get too much into friday night because i felt like a jerk for not going home with her because she was sick, but i did wind up there that night anyway.

so, so far ana is in first place in the karaoke contest and i'm in second, but that's our overall grades. we've sang twice, and there's some people that have only sang once, so it might not make much of a difference. the next round to send you to finals is in a couple weeks. they take your top to highest scores to send you to finals. i did joan jett last time and i won the $20 random draw AGAIN, and me, ana, and this girl Lacy all tied for the $30 performance prize. i got the highest dress score of the night because Ana helped dress me up like joan jett, it was awesome. i know i'll make it to the finals, but i don't know how well i'll do there. i wouldn't mind third place, but we've got some really good singers there.

speaking of singers, remember how i was so bummed that i wanted to go see Melissa this summer on tour but didn't want to have to go into Ottawa again because we'd probably never make it out of there? lol. well i found out that she's playing in Albany in June, and NYC in July, so there might be hope for me to go see her after all! i'm so excited. ana probably won't be as excited because she doesn't know as much of her music or anything, but i'm really excited. maybe i'll actually be able to get an autograph or a t-shirt or picture this time or something. i didn't get anything the first time i went, which i thought was a little strange. so, all is looking good for the time being, i'll keep you all posted on what's going on, wish me luck for finals!

so i'm pretty excited right now. it seems that all my hard work is definately paying off! i got a 71 on my Correctional Philosophy mid-term and he gave us a 15 point curve, which brought me up to an 87! i got a 77 on my Criminal Procedure mid term and she gave us a 5 point curve, which brought me up to an 82! i just got back from my math class and after she did some review i was a little scared that i might have screwed some things up on my math mid term last week. however, she gave us our grades back today and apparently i got an 89 on the mid term! that means i still have an A in algebra. i don't think i've EVER had an A in math, but i'm pretty happy with myself and the way school has been going this semester! i'm not sure what i got on my history mid term yet, i should be getting that grade tomorrow. we didn't have a mid term for my english class, which is a really easy class anyway. it's Contemporary American Fiction, and since i'm a big reader and writer it's a breeze for me. our homework assignments will consist of something like writing one paragraph on a story we read lol. i was like hey, easy grade for me!

i'm super excited to be talking to you guys on here again too, since i have a little more time to do some other things not involving school right now. kudos to Gabfan on her xena novel. i'm looking forward so much to reading this new one and catching up on the other short stories as well! i also wanted to say thank you to Borm.Beauty for the oppertunity to gain some more experience in editing some things! i hope you all are having a great couple days like i am having!

hey everybody! sorry it's been so long since i've written, i've been pretty busy. school is going amazing and i've actually stuck it out longer than the last two times, so i think it's safe to say i'm really in the game this time around. i'm pretty proud of myself and i'm getting good grades in mostly everything. i think the only thing i might have any difficulty with will be the History. so we just got through mid-terms which was a beast, but shockingly enough i passed them all! i've also made friends over here and everything is just cool. i've had some great experiences already. for example, i got to meet Dani Campbell! i was so stunned. for all of you who don't know her, she's the lesbian firefighter from florida that was on mtv's hit show this past summer A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. i fell in love with Dani the first time i saw her, and she made it all the way to the end, only to not get picked. everyone knows it's because the show wants to make more money and launch a second season (that everyone will of course watch to see if she picks a girl this time.) i got my picture taken with her and she signed my hat! unforgetable experience. i was so moved i started writing a poem about it, but i haven't had the time to finish it yet. i'm still going out on the weekends when the weather isn't horrible. it just seems that just because my week of school is over, it decides to dump a pile of snow and ice on us on a friday or saturday. and i'm like "of course, of course it did, because i wanted to go out." our friends are doing a karaoke contest and they already signed up ana and i to sing for it, so that should be fun. there's a little money involved in it too. ana and i are still doing good too! she's so sweet, she bought me a couple new shirts, one being my favorite football team which i didn't have a shirt for! i can't wait, we are on break from school (spring break i guess is what it's supposed to be lol) in 2 weeks and i am so ready for it. so since i'm such a huge fan of The L Word i'm happy to say they are doing a sixth season, but it broke my heart to find out that this will be the last one. the seasons are short, and we have to wait between eight to ten months between seasons, but it's such a hit show! they're making tons of money off of it and it's really the only lesbian based show just for people like me. it was sad to hear, but oh well i suppose. anyway, Marlee Matlin plays on the show now, and i actually just saw her on the TV on this show i think called Your mama don't dance...i love Marlee. to be a deaf actress she is beautiful, and her acting is amazing. i think it's an astonishing goal to be on a show to learn to dance... i mean, she can't hear the music, but i guess she can feel the beat. so YOU GO GIRL! i have also started putting money away so i can have some over the summer to do something (like go to a melissa concert.) or to get a car or something. so melissa...she's on tour this summer YAY! i'd love to go see her, but so far the only dates up she's playing in places like chicago and massachussettes, which is a bummer for me. hopefully she'll play someplace closer. we had a death in the family this week. my mother's cousin fell down a flight of stairs wednesday night and got shipped to a hospital in Syracuse. when i got the call i was told they wanted to take him off the machines either thursday or friday. he wound up dying at 3:30am early friday morning. we weren't close, but my father and he were like best friends back in the day i guess. now we're starting to find out he might have actually been pushed...it's being investigated. i know he always had issues with drugs, so i'm not sure. mostly pills i think it was. other than that everything is pretty much the same. i'm just trying to keep my nose to the grindstone and my face in the books so i can do well in school, which seems to be working. i've had a few issues with the girls who live downstairs. they live right directly below me and now have a vendetta against my room mate and i because we've complained about them. they blare their music all hours of the night and it goes right up our wall. however, the university police and everyone have sent paperwork to the dean because these girls have ticked off EVERYONE, and even called the officer a mother f-er, so they might not be around next semester. i honestly have no idea how they could possibly still be in school as it is, they must be failing. anyway, that's what has been going on with me lately, so there's a little glimpse into my life for now. oh by the way, my colonoscopy went well i guess. there were some spots on my lower intestine that they were unsure about, so they're going to ignore it for right now. i hope it doesn't turn into anything, but it's probably nothing. right now my dr. is going with IBS for the diagnosis (irritable bowel syndrome), which is common in young people and can be painful. i guess my bowels act up for no reason, so he gave me a medication to take when the pain gets bad to see if it will help. i haven't taken it yet because i don't carry them with me and the pain is sperratic, but hopefully it is just a minor thing. i have been informed though that i've been checked for cancer and don't have it, so yay me! hope everyone is doing well, i'll definately try to blog more often. it won't be so bad now that we're past mid terms.