Time For Mercy

So in light of recent events and through the inspiriaton of a friend i have decided that i should try to comitt to writing in my blog at least once a day since i love to write and it's very theraputic for me. Even if it is just a bunch of nothing, i still want to try to keep it. So, some old demons came to visit me last week and it turned out to be rough. I was drinking at a friend's house and there was somebody there singing karaoke and recording a cd. Now, 2 days before my ex texted me and said "what's up", but i ignored it. I didn't think it really bothered me to hear from her, but i was wondering wtf she was bothering me for. She was the one who didn't want me back, i felt like saying "where's the wonderd*ke you left me for?" because that's basically what happened anyway you slice it. So i ignored the message. The next day i came back from class to find an IM on my computer from her saying "i guess you're ignoring me, i just wanted to know how you are and if you wanted to grab a bite to eat." Again i didn't want to speak to her, she was already offline, and i thought the same thing as the day before and didn't feel like playing manipulating games. What part of I'm not speaking to you makes me think i want to be your friend? That's just too hard for me and she knows it. So, several of these songs this girl was singing at my friend's house were songs my ex used to sing. And not only was she singing them, but she was singing them twice; once to practice, and once to record. So after talking this all out with people we've come to determine that this was part of what sparked the event that happened that night. So i went back to school, drank some more Vodka but had my 100 proof, and already had it in my head what i was going to do. I tore apart a few razors and decided to cut my leg. I didn't understand really why i was doing it. I thought i was too old for this, and i remember getting the blade to my skin thinking "why am i doing this, its stupid." i didn't even really want to do it, but i basically made myself anyway, aiming for stitches since the alcohol already would have made me numb to not feel so much pain from them until the next day. However, that didn't happen and i called a friend, who was with the RD. So they came up and i just wanted to talk, but because this happened at school, University Police was called. I was compliant and did everything expected, i wasn't violent, i told him i would do anything he wanted if he just let me have a smoke first, so he agreed. Then i was loosely handcuffed and transported to the hospital in my hometown to have an evalutaion done. They couldn't talk to me until the next day because apparently the amount of alcohol in my system was very high, though i don't know what it was yet. The counselor from school met us there and she told me yesterday that i basically had alcohol poisoning, but i don't know how she can make that judgement without knowing what my BAC was. She stayed with me for about an hour (along with my RD) and said she would come back the next day. However, she did NOT come back and i wound up sitting there alone until 6pm the next day, which made me very angry. The evaluation determined that i did not need to be in a hospital for mental health and they sent me home with my brother so my parents didn't have to find out, since that would have made things worse. However, i did have to stay home until Monday morning because they wouldn't medically clear me to come back to campus until then or i could be arrested. This angered me as well since all they cared about was the liability and repuation of the school. So i felt like going off on the counselor of the school and saying "if i did this because i felt lonely/alone then all you did by not coming back or even calling was validate that feeling." I also wanted to say "this is why people in my situation DON'T ask for help, because you treat them like a criminal. That only makes them think that they shouldn't ask for help next time because they can get kicked out of school or whatever, so next time they won't bother, they will just try to hide it and not say anything. Then what happens if someone does that and something bad happens and the person is seriously injured, or even dies?" This is NOT the way to deal with people in this situation. Anyway i had to spend all weekend at home...with the two people that got together 23 years ago and decided that sex was a good idea, hence our (my twin brother and i) being brought into this wretched world, in an environment that was clearly unsuitable for kids. So being told not to eat her food or drink her soda or water or anything because dad had been in the hospital the week before with pnemonia and they didn't have much money (to feed us basically, though she did one of the nights make us something), i thought to myself "this is definitely not the stress i need right now." There were some comments made by her such as "you're huge, fat, people can't tell the difference between your a** and your face" which was just ridiculous. Then it got on the subject as usual about how WE should contribute to the house and buy food and all of that, since its our responsibility to take care of their bills because she has refused to work for the last ten years. But then it came...a comment that cuts to the bone even when i'm doing well, that is just un-called for and no mother should ever say to their child. A statement she made without knowing what happened with me, without knowing (or caring) what i'm going through, what i feel, anything...The statement "maybe i should start cutting myself so i can suck money out of the state too." Being too tired and too used to hearing hurtful things from her like this even when i was younger, all i could say was "coming from the person who wanted me on disability just so she could get money out of me anyway to live here." I wanted to scream, i wanted to yell, i wanted to bust the world wide open, i wanted to repeatedly and violently hit her in the face until i saw all kinds of blood and slap her and say "what the hell is the matter with you, you f***ing c**t, you are supposed to be my mother! I needed you when i was young, i even need one now sometimes, but where the hell are you!" Stuck in a pipe somewhere, stuck in a nap somewhere, busy following her kids around like a dog when they're home to tell them how worthless they are, to make sure they never feel happy or good about anything they do because what does it matter nayway since its never good enough for you? I saw friends growing up who's mothers loved them, even now i get jealous sometimes. I want the Lifetime mother. I want to go out for icecream with my mom and have her tell me she's proud of me, and girl talk with her, i want to go to the mall, i want a hug once in a while, i want i want i want...but you know what they say, Thou Shalt Not Want. Or as Lao Ma would have said on Xena, "stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating." I wish i could stop. I wish i could erase my memories that keep me up at night. I wish i could go back in time and make my mother not hate me and blame me for everything that went wrong the past ten years, i wish my family wasn't unstable, i wish i hadn't turned into a screw up. But in that house, how could you not? How did i even have a chance? Mom and i have good days sometimes, but how can you live with her one day being your best friend, wanting you around, wanting to watch movies with you, to the next day she can't stand to even look at you and she hates you more than anything in the world? So even when i was about 16-17, my child therapist told me i would have to learn to accept that they weren't going to change, and that i was never going to have the relationship with her that i wanted, not for lack of my trying over and over. Even to get her to show me how to cook things. I remember sitting in the kitchen one night to watch and learn, and she kept telling me to get out. Then she threw down what she was making and refused to make the family dinner until i left the kitchen. Whatever. Hate takes so much energy. I used to be just tired of fighting all the time. Over the past 2 years i grew to resent them. Now i hate them. I used to resent them for bringing us into this world, all this pain. I still loved mom but resented how she treats us, and i resented dad for allowing us to live that way and to let it all go on. The drug use, the hateful words, everything. Now all he says is "don't involve me" and runs away, but if we say something to defend our honor, or hit back to defend ourselves, then he gets involved. So now i hate her for being so hateful to us, and i hate him for letting it all happen. He stands there and listens, and pretend its not happening. You f***ing jerk. You were supposed to be the FATHER, you were supposed to PROTECT us. I've dreamed of pushing him down the stairs. The way he thinks he's so threatening getting 2 centimeters away from your face as he's screaming threats. Well dad, it doesn't work anymore. "Go ahead and do it" is the answer now. "you better make it good, cuz if i get up..." "i'm not scared of you." One incident not long ago i was getting in the shower and he was yelling at me from his room, and it was a fight. I said FU and called him a ****sucker i think. Well he punched the bathroom door a couple times where i was, which has no lock on it now. And i remember him say "DO YOU F-ING HEAR ME, i'll come rip you right the hell out of there!" as i have no clothes on and am now IN the shower. So i said "what are you going to do dad, beat me up?" and he said "YEAH, I WILL!" and i said "well go ahead, i'll have the cops arrest you." and he replied "yeah, well you're gonna need em." I had a friend come bring me back to school that night. Yeah, daddy, you never really did protect us did you? So anyway, back to the original story. I blocked my ex on my AIM so i won't be dealing with anymore of that, and i do not have my cell phone anymore. The story with that was after i went home friday night, i went out Saturday night for my brother's girlfriend's birthday...i'm guessing i fell down somewhere since my knee hurt again and my pant leg was dirty. I got up sunday morning and found in my coat pocket the battery to my phone, and the back of my phone, but not the rest of it, so my brother is going to give me his old one. So i met with the counselor over on campus for about an hour and she talked to me like she thought she knew me, ha ha silly woman. I'm not getting kicked off campus or anything like that, but she wants the drinking to stop. I'm over 21 and i have no room mate, so technically i am allowed to drink and even do it in my dorm room if i want to. However everyone is getting more and more worried about my excessive alcohol use. It seems NONE of my addictions are ever acceptable HA HA. Small joke, you've got to have a sense of humor about these things. I also allowed myself to open up to my RD yesterday. I came back from class and saw she was in her office, so i popped in to apologize and we wound up talking...for 2 hours. That was kind of cool. Ever since i haven't been able to like shut up to people. I'm used to being the strong one, i HAVE to be the strong one. If they see me cry, if I see me cry i feel weak, so i cannot do that. I can't afford to feel week. But they did see me cry, so i felt i should at least explain, they saw much more than crying. How many people see crimson tears on their friends as well? Anyway my actual clinical therapist spoke with me today. We covered a lot of things. My best friend of ten years not really caring about having anything to do with me anymore hurting my feelings, my excessive use of alcohol, why i felt the way i did that night and did what i did, and so on. I told her Alone i can do well, but Lonely i cannot do, and that i thought my not being in a relationship might be getting to me. She said "but everyone goes through that, that's part of dating." and i said "i know, but maybe i just take it differently than most people." I felt like saying i'm too tired, i can't handle having my heart broken 50 more times, that might have been the last serious one. But i didn't. She basically said i need to find some things to do, and spend more time with my friends to fill the void. I wanted to say "friends don't hold you at night, or have sex with you usually." If so i want to know where i can subscribe for some of these friends lol. But we spoke about something we've been talking about for a while now, so i agreed to let her call this out patient alcohol place and see what kind of group thing it is and if they can do anything useful if i attend it. She's going to call me back and let me know what they say and see if i'm still interested. I figured it couldn't hurt to at least listen to what someone might have to say, since i know i drink in excess and i know i self medicate. I know its wrong, but why is it so wrong to have some peace of mind for a night? To drink is fun for me sometimes, but what's wrong with drinking to forget? Have you ever been in pain, pain so bad you just want something, or want to forget something? Just want to pass out so you don't have to lay awake all night feeling guilty about your whole life? Or creating things that you think you should feel guilty about? Or thinking so much about how the bed is empty next to you? Sure you can have random strangers there every now and then, but they don't know you, how well do you know them? They go away, they don't mean much. You don't even need sex with them, even just to be held. But it's a facad. However there are some lucky ones that have a good friend that doesn't mind holding them, or making them feel loved, and that is a good thing to have. My therapist is going to ask her boss if she can start meeting me in the town my school is in, that way i don't have to go home over the long weekends and deal with my madhouse family just to be able to see her, which i think is very cool since that place is no good for me. I guess i'm just going to focus on what i do well for a while. My school work makes me happy and i take pride in it, so that is still going well. I got a 92 on my Literature paper which counted as an exam grade, so once again my amazing ability to write saved my a**. So i think when my school work is done and all of that i will start throwing myself back into the routine of watching the shows like, blogging, talking to friends and whatever. I'm going to TRY to stay away from alcohol, and if it gets too hard maybe only try drinking 1 night a week or so, or maybe just a couple drinks. I'm gonna try though, to take care of myself. It's time for something. It's time for me to be happy. It's time to have faith in myself and hope others can have faith in me. It's time to not let people down anymore as well as myself, "it's time to be good to me." It's time to see things clearly or at least try to, it's time to ask forgiveness, whether i can ever forgive myself is a different story. But anyway, this is yet again another journey, let's see where it brings me, whoever is close enough to me that wants to is welcome to come through it with me. It's time for love, it's time for laughing, it's time for freedom, shame, fear, feeling, honesty, whatever emotion you can think of. "it's time for mercy."