Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his golf bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"

The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.

"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that’s not what you asked for."

The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

The new Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

It's been a long time but for the first time in probably years I felt the sting of a broken heart. If you've read my earlier journal entries you know that sometimes I meet new girl's through the this wonderful thing called the Internet (don't knock it till you try it!). Well the Sunday before last I started talking to this absolutely wonderful gal named Kelly on IM. She was very funny, smart, and just really nice to talk to. And not only that she was really really beautiful too and a redhead.

We talked for like an hour and I must have impressed her also because she offered me her phone number and asked me if I would like to go out sometime soon. Needless to say I was on cloud nine and feeling the happiest I had felt since I can't even remember. For the next few days she would come online just to talk to me, which was really nice when I was bored at work, and we'd talk for like an hour or two and it would make the time at work just fly by. We also talked on the phone and had a lot of fun then too, she loved to laugh, had so much energy, and I guess I could go on forever about how great I thought she was....... Anyway, we planned our meeting for that Thursday to go to the Cheesecake Factory at the mall. I was kinda nervous about meeting her and very excited at the same time.

Thursday finally came and I drove to her apartment which was only 5 miles from my house which was also great, and after trying to find it for a while I got there and saw her standing outside with her roommate. She was even hotter in person which made me a little more nervous. She gave me a hug and we got in my car, she told me she could tell I was nervous and that I could relax around her, I told her I was trying to but she was so beautiful that it made me feel more nervous which she thought was cute.

As dinner went on I got much more comfortable and we had a nice conversation and I made sure to give her lots of compliments. She never really gave me any compliments though and it was hard to tell how she felt about me, I couldn't take my eyes off of her but she was all around the room which I knew wasn't a great sign. After dinner we walked around the mall holding hands and I felt like a million bucks just being with her. Before we left the mall I asked her if she'd like to rent a movie with me the next night and she kinda said she was possibly going to be busy but would get back to me on it. Another bad sign. I took her home and I gave her a long hug before she left.

The next day comes along and I just can't stop thinking about her and how much I can't wait to her again. Then the bad news comes. I get an email from her that afternoon saying she thinks I am really nice guy and all but not the right guy for her, sorry. I know I only knew her for less than a week but that did not stop her news from hurting me terribly to the point where I could feel tears in my eyes. I wanted to keep her in the worst way. Its kinda funny because I immediately thought about the girls I had done the same thing to and said to myself "Is this the kind of pain I inflicted on my other girlfriends?" I guess that's karma for you.

Finally one of the most important goals I have ever set for myself in life is soon going to come true. As of yesterday I signed a 1-year lease on a one bedroom apartment (the other goal was getting laid). After a few good months of agonizing over whether or not I wanted to commit to moving in with my girlfriend I made my decision and decided to run with getting a place of my own for now. Rachel was not too happy about this for a couple of weeks and things between us were kind of rocky to the point where I thought I was going to lose her, but she is beginning to come to terms with what I decided. I am sure she can also see the benefits in one of us having our own place and not having to deal with parent's rules, and I told her she can sleep over a few nights a week.

The place is very nice at $735 a month, plenty of room for me, and I can continue getting cable television and DSL service. What more can a man ask for? Best part is my parents have each agreed to give me $100 a month to help me with my rent My big move in day is next week on Sunday, May 1st.

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

The trip I planned to Las Vegas with my girlfriend months ago is rapidly approaching. We are going from Thursday, March 3rd until Sunday, March 6th. If you are keeping score that's next week While this isn't our first vacation by ourselves, it is our first time going far enough to actually need to fly there. A serious vacation for just the two of us.

I have loved Vegas ever since I first went there when I only about 14 years old. This will be my third time there. I was supposed to go in July of 2002 but the day before my trip my Uncle had a massive heartattack and was dead within an hour. I worked the evening shift at my Walgreens job and that evening around 10:30 I came back to find my Dad sitting in my room to let me know I had lost my Uncle and the trip was cancelled. In life anything can and will happen I learned first hand that day.

If anyone dies this time though, keep em on ice till I get home. Just kidding.

This is all of the stuff I have deemed as must sees. Whether or not I will get to see all of it is another story. We are staying at Treasure Island so the first one shouldn't be too hard to make.

Pirate Battle at Treasure Island
every 90 mins from 4 - 11:30 PM

Fountain Show at Bellagio
every 30 minutes from 3 to 7 PM, every 15 minutes from 7 to midnight

Volcano at The Mirage
every 15 minutes after dark

Fremont Street Experience
every hour after 8 PM

Parade in the Sky at Rio Suites
every other hour from 2 PM to midnight

Circus Circus adventure dome amusement park

Star Trek experience at Las Vegas Hilton

Luxor rides
Passport To Adventure all attractions pass,
for just $24.95 which includes: One IMAX Movie,
Three IMAX®, Ridefilms: "In Search of the Obelisk",
"Reboot" and "Dracula’s Haunted Castle". One Pass to "Pirates 4D",
One Pass to "The Tomb & Museum of King Tutankhamun",
One Pass to the "Virtual Reality Roller Coaster”

Mirage White tiger exhibit

Paris eiffel towel

Venetian Madame Tussaud's wax museum
Gondola ride

Ceasar's Palace Forum shops

Since my last entry into my abandoned journal I have developed somewhat of an addiction to that little site known as eBay. No matter what I do to try and free myself from its icy grip (which has been nothing thus far) it manages to pull me back for more.

How addicted you ask? I have spent $200 and some change in the past month on building up my collection of Power Ranger zord figures, six new figures to be exact. I did sell a couple also to try and counterbalance all the spendage though.

Here is a pic of my new pride and joy. Its called the Super Dekaranger Robo, imported from Japan. Six vehicles combined into one.

So far I have only logged 3 days on this new project yet I feel as though it has taken over my life. I know I'm being overly dramatic but what I mean is I'm having a hard time adjusting. My easy life downtown letting the train take me to and from the office and then doing more net surfing than work only managed to spoil me rotten. Now that I have to drive myself to and from work, 45 minutes each way, and am not allowed to use the Internet or instant messenger I feel I am going to lose my mind. I have spent the last 3 days reading pages and pages of documents about pharmacy pricing rules, mathematical equations used to determine, and about the system I am going to help test. Every now and then when I am not reading or trying out the system we will have a meeting to make sure we all understand how the system works, the highlight of my day.

My relationship with Rachel is breaking down right before my eyes. Every night this week neither of us have been in the mood to talk to each other. I have been too tired and she has been too stressed. Today things have gotten even worse. There is a blizzard going on in my area and I was unable to see her tonight. After taking an hour and 40 minutes to drive home in bad traffic and otherwise dangerous conditions she got upset with me about not being there and I got upset right back at her. She called me back soon after to tell me she's not sure if she wants to be with me anymore, something she has never done in 2 years.

I know my career is extremely important but I wanted to make a life with Rachel also and maybe even get married and have children with her. She sent me a beautiful email and e-greeting card this morning about how many other stressful times we've made it through and how she wants to be more understanding. It gave me the strength to believe things will be all right between us and that our relationship is worth working on even when we are both stressed. Tonight, it feels like we are back to square one.........

....... and tomorrow I'm going to be back outside at 5 am shoveling mountains of snow.

Yesterday I got the wonderful pleasure of spending New Year's Eve more sick than I have been in about 10 years. Thanks to my lovely girlfriend's family I contracted a case of the 24-hour stomach flu or something. She's got like 10 houseguests staying at her place for a week and a half for the Christmas holiday and apparently one of them had, then one by one just about everyone else got it. Even though I stayed away from her relatives entirely Rachel neglected to tell me that they all threw up in the bathroom she let me use on the first floor.

I woke up at 4:30 in the morning on Friday feeling queasy as hell and couldn't get back to sleep for an hour, I had a bad feeling I was sick. At 7:30 I woke up again and within 15 minutes I was queasy again. I went into the bathroom and threw up for the first time since I was 12 or 13 years old. It was pretty scary. Throughout the day my body got weaker and weaker until I was pretty much bed ridden. Thankfully my tape set of the entire season of Power Rangers Zeo came in the mail the day before so when I wasn't sleeping I was watching my tapes.

The best part had to have been when I tried to take a shower. Yes that's right........tried to. My body became so weak within minutes I couldn't stand up and could barely see straight. Covered with soapy suds I had to get out and sit down. When I regained my strength I tried again only to have the same thing happen again. I barely made it out to sit down again and had to grab the towel rack to hold myself up. Then sitting on the floor, I puked my guts out into the toilet again.

But hey there's a happy ending to this story. I feel 100% better now and Rachel's going to have to do me a lot of favors to make up for making me sick AGAIN.

Today I was officially confirmed for a new project with my job that starts on January 3rd. I'm going to be working on a project at Walgreens corporate office as a system tester for a new pharmacy pricing system they are hoping to release in the near future. I am happy they picked me for the project and not so happy at the same time. Happy because it sounds like an awesome project to be on and a good opportunity to learn, not so happy because I have to drive to the office now instead of just taking the train downtown and I get separated from my friends I've been working with for months. I'm not a big fan of driving especially in the winter but it's just 25 miles so I'm sure I'll get used to it. Not only that I have to wear a tie and blazer to work each day now.

I managed to prove once again how terrible I am with directions last Saturday night trying to find this hotel with my girlfriend. I always manage to get lost when I try to find something driving and this time was no exception. The sad thing about it is I was on the right street the first time but I was convinced I needed to go to the next tollway exit. When I realized that was the wrong exit I had to drive like 8 miles to turn around and get back to the on ramp, then I got on the tollway going in the wrong direction and had to drive another 8 miles to turn around, and pay two extra tolls. I finally made it back and realized the hotel was on a street I drive down all the time and I felt like an idiot for making it harder than necessary.

My girlfriend made it worth my while though big time, it was like the best slumber party ever. She wore nothing but a tank top and her undies the whole time, we got to take a shower together, and let's just say I was worn out the next morning when we left.

Considering my girlfriend Rachel and I went out on our first date exactly 2 years ago on Tuesday of this week (December 14th) I had the great idea of doing something really special this weekend for the two of us. Ok who am I kidding I had no thoughts of our anniversary going through my head when I suddenly came up with this idea. Anyway, so this Saturday night I get to stay in the Embassy Suites hotel for a romantic evening with my lady. Yes, it's good to be legally an adult. The things we are going to do to each other

In other news, my dad isn't doing to good lately. He had his knee operated on a week ago so he can barely move by himself for a while. I heard from my step mom last night that a blood clot developed in his leg and he is going to be on strong blood thining meds for a while. She told me there is a possibility that we may have to rush him to the emergency room if we see one of the side effects occur. It made me very scared that I may lose my father but I'm probably being over dramatic.

So last night he called me into his room for a father/son talk. Just like on tv. He wanted to know where my life is going lately he said. He asked me about my plans to move out of the house if I had any, and he gave me the same rap my brother has about wanting to move in with Rachel instead of living on my own first and "finding myself" when I told him my plans. I told Rachel that he said the same thing and it seems like she feels as though they don't like her and are against us living together. I tried to convince her that's not true and they just don't want to see me rush into anything.

So last night I'm sitting in my room watching the MMPR Behind the Scenes movie I downloaded and my step-mom knocks on the door and says, you can have leftover beef stew or chili for dinner so I told her, uhhh I think I'll go buy something. Anyway I hit Taco Bell and got the same thing I get there just about every time. A soft shell taco supreme minus the lettuce and tomato, a chicken quesadilla, nachos, and a medium drink. It costs like $6.38.

Name a restaurant you frequent and what your usual is. Give the price if you can remember it too.

It was another interesting weekend in Andrew's world (Andrew is me in case you didn't know).

I made friends with a new gal through the net on Friday, her name is Christina. She lives about 40 miles from me. She gave me her cell phone number and we talked for about 45 minutes that night. She was an....interesting girl, a year older than me, which makes her 24, she had a shy and nerdy tone to her voice I had to get used to. For the whole time we I pretty much just asked her questions about herself and she asked me a couple but mostly she just seemed to talk about herself. I think she liked me, she already said she would like to see me in person. While she isn't really my type I would still be willing to meet her, its always fun to meet a new woman.

On Saturday I went out with Rachel as usual, we went to dinner at Uno's Pizzeria and then Gameworks. Gameworks is getting played out for me, they never get many new games.

Sunday, I called Christina in the morning but she was at work. She never called back all day. In the evening I went to Rachel's house to pick her up. We went to my mom's extended stay hotel to go swimming and hot tubbing. As I was driving us over there I heard something I never EVER thought I would.

Rachel has this friend that is separated from her husband, and is living with her parents again in the area for now. Anyway, her husband said something to Rachel about not being satisfied with his wife's chest size and Rachel told her about it. To get back at him the friend offered to do a threesome with us and Rachel said she was interested if I am. Needless to say this put a huge smile on my face, but I told her thanks but no thanks.

We had a blast swimming, I gave Rachel a piggy back ride, and had a really romantic time holding her in the water and kissing. We kind of ignored my mom. Rachel looked happier than I had seen her all week. As we were leaving things kind of went downhill. Rachel kind of has a big mouth sometimes and she casually told my mom something I wished she hadn't about my eating habits. I got on her case about it and we ended up angry at each other for like an hour. After we got back from having dinner at Culver's (awesome burger joint) we quickly made up and did our usual things.

Things ended on a good note and I went back home. I hadn't heard from Christina again so I called her again at like 10:45. She was there and we talked about 40 minutes. She went on about herself again and I kind of wished I had just gone to sleep....

I had a nice Thanksgiving holiday if I do say so myself. On Thursday I visited my mom, since my parents divorced when I was 18 I usually spend holidays with her because I live with my dad. She lives in an extended stay hotel until her new condo being built by the lake front in downtown Chicago is done in February or March. It was my first time there and boy was it a nice place, everything you'd ever need.

Her husband, his son, my mom, and I went to a buffet style dinner at a golf country club to eat that day. I swear it never fails at restaurants, most of the staff serving you consists of AMAZING looking young girls. This time was no exception, our waitress was this Irish girl wearing a black t-shirt and tight black pants and I could even see her midriff, I would eat there again :-). At around 5 I left her place and went to visit my girlfriend who only lives 10 miles from her, I was supposed to see her the night before but a freakin blizzard kept me at home...

Friday I went back to visit my girl again, kind of spur of the moment. I brought her back to my hood this time. Even though it was Black Friday we went to the mall anyway. It was kind of late and not that crowded anymore.

This is where it gets interesting.

It's her 21st birthday on December 8th and I wanted to get her something so we are standing around JC Penny's in the girly underwear section and she agrees that for her present I could buy her some thongs and she tried them on in front of me. Happy happy happiness! We ate dinner in the mall at Arby's and spent the rest of the evening at my house.

On Saturday things kind of went south. I went to my girlfriend's house to pick her up and she was looking very depressed, this happens sometimes. We went to Baker's Square for dinner and she was getting more and more sad. We started to argue and stuff also and she began crying at the dinner table. It turns out she found out from her dad that she doesn't make enough money to afford to move into an apartment with me like she wanted. She eventually told me that was the real problem but I was already wanting to get away so I just took her home and went to see a movie by myself. I saw Alexander, which turned out to be kinda disappointing.

We talked on Sunday morning and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to see her that night. She promised me it wouldn't happen again and I ended up coming to see her again. She wore one of the presents I bought her for me and she was in a really cheery affectionate mood. We both had a lot of fun and I didn't regret coming to visit.

I know, I know it's been a while since I last updated this thing. A lot of stuff has changed for me. I am working a steady job in my career field now so everyday I wake up at 6:00 to make my train to commute downtown just like a big boy. My job is supposed to be working on a project for a company called Skychefs helping upgrade their Oracle forms and reports to a newer version but most days my friends and I don't get any work to do and end up goofing around and doing training. If that's what they want to pay me all this money to do so be it.

In other news I decided to break things off with Stephanie and be with Rachel only about 5 weeks ago. Let me tell you, Stephanie was not too happy about it She yelled at me about it for 4 HOURS! She still is incredibly bitter about it and comes online once in a while to insult me some more... In the end I just couldn't stay away from Rachel. The first day I saw her again let's just say we had a lot of "fun" that I sorely missed having.

In the beginning we argued a lot, mostly because I still wanted to keep Stephanie as my friend and it clearly bothered Rachel though she didn't want to admit to it. When we'd argue I'd go to Stephanie and she would say I was making a big mistake and try to get me to go back to her, and I wanted to sometimes and told her that, she hated being left hanging and got sick of me doing that after about a week. I even visited her a couple of times that week and we'd cuddle in her bed and kiss a little because I just didn't want to let her go. The only time in my life I've been able to be a player Now she's gone and its just me and Rachel again and things are back to normal.

I'm sad today. My ex-girlfriend Rachel and I talked on the phone earlier about whether or not we want to save our relationship that ended two weeks ago. I told her I hadn't changed my mind about wanting to and she started crying which truly broke my heart. She was proposing all of these ways in which we could change things and fix our relationship but I just stood my ground and said I feel happier without her.

I like being able to be more free and be with another woman but I will truly miss our times together.....before we started arguing and stuff that is.

Here goes the story of my two "dates" last night.....

When I arrived at the restaurant to meet my ex Mary I was like 10 minutes late because of traffic, she was right there waiting for me. I hadn't seen her in like 3 months since the night I decided to go behind my girl at the time Rachel's back and hang out with her at her condo. She was looking nice and it was good to see her again, I did feel a little weird seeing her again though.

She is a little older than me, a year and a half, and has her career going as a teacher and had a lot of things to talk about so I just smiled at her and listened for the most part and told her what was going on with me also. I could tell she was happy to see and I thought that was cool. We sat there in Bennigan's eating and talking for like an hour and 15 minutes. I had a bacon cheeseburger with fries and she had a dinner salad and then a bowl of pasta with alfredo sauce. At the end she did something really surprising and offered to pay for dinner. She said it was because when we were going out a long time ago I always paid which is true.

I walked her to her car and gave her a big hug and then she asked for another one after that. I told her in her ear her hair smelled good.

After I got home she started IMing me telling me how she wanted a kiss from me, but I wasn't about to go there...

At about 10:45 I was set to go to see my girlfriend Stephanie at her. I was really looking forward to it because I knew her parents would be asleep I noticed her screen name on AIM had been idle for hours but I thought nothing of it and went anyway.

When I got there I parked on the street and a stray dog started standing in front of my car, it was a small thing but I still got freaked out. It walked back into the neighbor's driveway and I went to Stephanie's door to wait for her to come out. After 25 minutes of waiting on her doorstep she never came out, I was feeling heartbroken and knew she was asleep. I drove back home.

She came online soon after and I felt like sticking it to her but after she apologized over and over and told me how bad she felt and how she really cares about me I knew I couldn't say anything hurtful to such a sweet girl and just forgave her. We talked on the phone for an hour after that and she had plenty more apologizes for me. When I woke up this morning she had sent me two e-greeting cards and two emails to make up for it.

I think she has me wrapped around her little finger....

Her: when you going to call her
Her: and let her know bad news
GRISH81: She can call me or we can talk on IM
Her: how is she going to talk to you on im or call you when she doesn't know she can
Her: cause i don't want to get in to this
GRISH81: You tell her everything I say anyway right, tell her this too
Her: it is between you to
Her: no i don't
GRISH81: Yes you do, she told me
Her: not since you to broke up
GRISH81: We argued about it
Her: i see
GRISH81: I hated that
Her: i guess my plan worked
GRISH81: It came between us every night
GRISH81: What plan is that?
Her: to break you to up
Her: don't want you to together
GRISH81: That's a terrible thing to do but I'm not surprised
Her: cause i want you
GRISH81: You are playing with me right
Her: no
Her: i did those things cause i new it would cause trouble
Her: now i feel bad
GRISH81: You live in another state, you can't be serious
Her: yes
Her: i am
Her: dump gary
Her: bye
GRISH81: I still think you are messing with me
Her: then think that
Her: i don't know how to prove it
Her: sorry disconected
GRISH81: You are about to be married and have a little girl, why would you do that?
Her: i think i should let you go
Her: i shouldn't have told you
Her: rachel loves you
Her: and you are done with her know
Her: from what you said
GRISH81: I think I deserve to know after what has happened
Her: you are not going to be with her any more so doesn't matter
GRISH81: Ok Julie, I will drop it then
Her: talk to rachel though she thinks you are still thinking about it
GRISH81: Next time she is online I will
Her: ok
Her: to bad know you kno the problems wern't real i tried to break you two up you don't want her
Her: now
Her: good night
GRISH81: I don't think she was right for me anyway, but that was wrong what you did on so many levels
Her: why wasn't she right for you if you two were together so long used her
GRISH81: I don't understand what you are asking
Her: you said she wasn't right for you
Her: so why were you with her so long
GRISH81: I just started feeling that way since we've been getting along so poorly recently and now that I have had a lot of time to think about it
Her: got disconnected what did you say?
GRISH81: I just started feeling that way since we've been getting along so poorly recently and now that I have had a lot of time to think about it
Her: i see
Her: you really haven't goten along poorley you did cause of me
Her: but i know hat you are saying

Yes its true, partially... I am going to dinner with my ex-girlfriend at 6:30 (as friends) and then my real girlfriend Stephanie invited me to come over to her house after her parents go to sleep tonight at 11. I am not really a night person so I hope I don't fall asleep on her.

My stay at home job is progressing well. I got my company voice mail and email set up today finally. I felt so good about my hard work I went to the mall for two hours this morning, not just one mall either, two of them! I also mailed out the money order for the action figure I am buying, picture's below this entry, $80 with shipping included.

Yesterday was weird, as soon as Stephanie came home in the afternoon she was really upset and said she was crying. Her mom can be a real witch and yelled at her apparently. She asked me if I could come over right away and I did. We went to the park again for like 2 hours and talked about anything and then lied in the grass together for a while, it was such a beautiful day.