Tonight Show Jokes (no date)
These are the old ones... (no date)
According to the latest approval ratings, only 39% of Americans like the job President Bush is doing. 39%. And of course, the white house, they're jumping on this 39% thing. They're now calling Bush the president who represents minorities.
In New Orleans, they welcomed the first baby born in a hospital since Hurricane Katrina. How about that? They named the baby FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months.
They had a riot in Toledo, Ohio, and a group of Neo-Nazis held a march in a predominantly black neighborhood. Well, what could go wrong there? Gee, there's a good idea.
Before Social Security, Americans have to keep working long after they were past retirement age - kinda like the way Cher has to now.
President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court is extremely important, because as you know these are the people who choose the President of the United States.
According to the latest approval ratings, only 39% of Americans like the job President Bush is doing. 39%. And of course, the white house, they're jumping on this 39% thing. They're now calling Bush the president who represents minorities.
In New Orleans, they welcomed the first baby born in a hospital since Hurricane Katrina. How about that? They named the baby FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months.
They had a riot in Toledo, Ohio, and a group of Neo-Nazis held a march in a predominantly black neighborhood. Well, what could go wrong there? Gee, there's a good idea.
Before Social Security, Americans have to keep working long after they were past retirement age - kinda like the way Cher has to now.
President Bush said the job of the Supreme Court is extremely important, because as you know these are the people who choose the President of the United States.
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TV Quote of the Day - Feb 1, 2006
From Jay Leno:
One of the big topics tonight of the [State of the Union] speech was all the new jobs that have been created. A lot of new jobs have been created. I mean, they're all in India.
Everybody's still talking about Kobe Bryant with that 81 points. Kobe was asked if this will hurt his relationship with the other Lakers, and Kobe said, "There are other Lakers?"
NBC has canceled its new show "the Book of Daniel" after only two episodes. That shows you how bad this network is. We bring in Jesus, even he can't save the network.
The city of Detroit, where the super bowl is going to be, announced they're going to be handing out free tickets to people who would never have the chance to see the game. You know, like the Detroit Lions.
According to "Prevention Magazine," overweight people are 22 times more likely to report having sexual problems. Which is shocking. I didn't even know you were supposed to report it.
Quote of the Day Archive
One of the big topics tonight of the [State of the Union] speech was all the new jobs that have been created. A lot of new jobs have been created. I mean, they're all in India.
Everybody's still talking about Kobe Bryant with that 81 points. Kobe was asked if this will hurt his relationship with the other Lakers, and Kobe said, "There are other Lakers?"
NBC has canceled its new show "the Book of Daniel" after only two episodes. That shows you how bad this network is. We bring in Jesus, even he can't save the network.
The city of Detroit, where the super bowl is going to be, announced they're going to be handing out free tickets to people who would never have the chance to see the game. You know, like the Detroit Lions.
According to "Prevention Magazine," overweight people are 22 times more likely to report having sexual problems. Which is shocking. I didn't even know you were supposed to report it.
Quote of the Day Archive
Who Am I?
Current Role: Sitting at the right hand of God, preparing a place for his chosen ones.
Birthplace: Bethlehem, Israel
Birthday: 12/25 4B.C. * (celebrated date, not actual)
Lord will come like a thief in the night, gloriously appearing.
Jesus is God Jesus said, "I and the Father are one" (John 10:30). That means He claimed to be nothing less than God in human flesh.
Jesus is Holy God is absolutely and perfectly holy (Isaiah 6:3), therefore He cannot commit or approve of evil (James 1:13). As God, Jesus embodied every element of God's character. Colossians 2:9 says, "In Him all the fulness of Deity dwells in bodily form." He was perfectly holy (Hebrews 4:15).
Jesus is the Savior Jesus is the only one who can forgive and transform us, thereby delivering us from the power and penalty of sin: "There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12).
Jesus is the Savior Jesus is the only one who can forgive and transform us, thereby delivering us from the power and penalty of sin: "There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12).
Jesus is Lord Romans 10:9 says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." Confessing Jesus as Lord means humbly submitting to His authority (Philippians 2:10-11).
Jesus is the Judge All who reject Jesus as their Lord and Savior will one day face Him as their Judge: "God is now declaring to men that all everywhere should repent, because He has fixed a day in which He will judge the world in righteousness through a Man whom He has appointed, having furnished proof to all men by raising Him from the dead" (Acts 17:30-31).
We pray to the Father God in His name.
Jesus Is Coming Soon.
appeared to Mary Magdalene; first appearance after his resurrection; appeared to his disciples and other followers, later seen by seen by 500 believers, and at last, to Paul (then Saul) on the road to Damascus.
Jesus: I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me. (John 14:6)
You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.
C.S. Lewis
Birthplace: Bethlehem, Israel
Birthday: 12/25 4B.C. * (celebrated date, not actual)
Lord will come like a thief in the night, gloriously appearing.
Jesus is God Jesus said, "I and the Father are one" (John 10:30). That means He claimed to be nothing less than God in human flesh.
Jesus is Holy God is absolutely and perfectly holy (Isaiah 6:3), therefore He cannot commit or approve of evil (James 1:13). As God, Jesus embodied every element of God's character. Colossians 2:9 says, "In Him all the fulness of Deity dwells in bodily form." He was perfectly holy (Hebrews 4:15).
Jesus is the Savior Jesus is the only one who can forgive and transform us, thereby delivering us from the power and penalty of sin: "There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12).
Jesus is the Savior Jesus is the only one who can forgive and transform us, thereby delivering us from the power and penalty of sin: "There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men, by which we must be saved" (Acts 4:12).
Jesus is Lord Romans 10:9 says, "If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you shall be saved." Confessing Jesus as Lord means humbly submitting to His authority (Philippians 2:10-11).
Jesus is the Judge All who reject Jesus as their Lord and Savior will one day face Him as their Judge: "God is now declaring to men that all everywhere should repent, because He has fixed a day in which He will judge the world in righteousness through a Man whom He has appointed, having furnished proof to all men by raising Him from the dead" (Acts 17:30-31).
We pray to the Father God in His name.
Jesus Is Coming Soon.appeared to Mary Magdalene; first appearance after his resurrection; appeared to his disciples and other followers, later seen by seen by 500 believers, and at last, to Paul (then Saul) on the road to Damascus.
Jesus: I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me. (John 14:6)
You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come up with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.C.S. Lewis
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