Today was a LONG day at work. I have to admit that I was watching the clock from the very first moment. Thus, it seemed the hands of the clock weren't moving, so that wasn't helping at ALL.

Not that I wanted to leave work, mind you. But I was watching the clock to see what time my next victim was clocking in.

Yes, April 1st is MY holiday. And I celebrated it in full glory this year.

In no particular order...

Our manager is pretty lenient on people clocking in "late". As long as the person has an isolated assignment, such as Cake Decorator, and don't abuse it, they came come and go as they please. In his opinion, it's important that they get the work done right, but not the exact moment of the day. (Note to the idiot bagboy who's YET to come even close to arriving on time. That doesn't apply to those us on the front end. Somebody's waiting on us to get there so they can take a break or go home. LEARN TO TELL TIME, FOR @#$%'S SAKE!!!)

Sorry about that. I guess I've been watching to much Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. Where was I?

Oh yeah.

To dairy clerk as he walks in, obviously still half-asleep. "Where have you been?!!! The yogurt case went out. The manager and department head have been loading product into bascarts and putting it in the cooler for the last thirty minutes. They're LIVID that your not here yet." That's adaptable to just about any department in the store.

Fun variation with front end employees who NEVER work the same shifts two days in a row. "What are you doing here? I thought you were off today." The major enjoyment from this one comes from the fact the employee walks all the way to the breakroom in the back of the store to check their schedule, and then has to walk all the way BACK to the front so they can clock in.

To opening office clerk as she walks in. "I'm having to check in the night checker's till because the CAST is offline." Gotta explain this one. I've no idea what C.A.S.T. stands for, but all checklane tills are controlled by this system. Nothing goes in or out of the safe unless it's been thru it. "And we can't get U-Scan open. It's giving us an unknown transmission error. Oh, and the second checker (due to clock in NOW) called in sick." I admit I ruined this prank by laughing when she did a U-turn without breaking stride.

This one took some timing. The set up required me to be coming back from a smoke break, and for the checklanes to be backed up DEEP. And for the victim to have been away from her car for several hours. "You drive (whatever the @#$% it was), don't you? I think you left your lights on." I swear I've never seen her check so fast in my life!!!

But the two highlights of the day...

To employee who recently transferred from another store. "You didn't park your car in the parking lot did you? Today?!!! Don't you realize what today is?!!! Good Lord, you NEVER leave your car in the parking lot on April Fool's Day. There's people in this store who @#$%ing LIVE for the opportunity to get away with messing with other employee's cars today. They'll let the air out of your tires, unplug all your spark plugs, or something to totally destroy your day. Call your husband and tell him you're coming home on break and he'll have to bring you to back to work. Tell you what, I'll watch U-Scan so you can hide your car until you can take it home." After she had parked her car WWWAAAYYY at the opposite end of the shopping center, she called her husband. I walked up to her while she was on the phone, and said "Uh... I TOLD you it was April Fool's Day, and that didn't provide any clue at all?"

(You have to love an practical joke that works because you specifically warn them they're being punked.)

I've saved the best for last. I didn't plan it. I was just smarting off to the boss, and pulled the what may just be one of the funniest April Fool's joke of all time.

All of our check lanes have a globe above the check lanes. Customers know that a lit globe means the check lane is open. This is important because cashiers sometimes have to step away from their stations, but our customers know to go ahead and unload groceries; the cashier will be right back.

Now that the set-up's out of the way...

I'd forgotten to flip the switch and the light wasn't on, even though I was already checking. The manager walked by and told me to turn the station light on. I turned to him and said "I tried to. But when I flipped the switch, the light went off. Flipping it the other way turn the light on. I think somebody wired this station up wrong."

I noticed the other cashier and his customer completely stopped what they were doing when the manager said "Oh. I'll call maintenance and get that fixed."

I actually had to say "Think about what I just said." before he remembered what day it was.

Something tell's me, next year when I ask for an extra day off so I can take a long weekend, THEY'LL LET ME !!!

There's a few subjects that shouldn't be brought up. Religion is high on most peoples' list simply because "I'm right, and you're an idiot." Politics is up there also because "I'm right, and you're a @#$%ing idiot." And sitting at the very top, above race, religion, politics, and a man's daughter is any conversation that begins with "I had a dream last night."

Having said that...

Last night I had I nightmare where I was programming weather alert radios.

Okay, that might not sound so scary to YOU, but I had chills from it, lemmetellyou. (*sigh* Guess I gotta explain this one.)

For you Yankees, @#$% furiners, and other unwashed masses, here's why hearing "We need someone at the office to program a weather radio" over the intercom is the stuff nightmares are made of. The deep south in the US has the most unpredictable weather season on the planet. We've got the one weather phenomena that is unique to our area, TORNADOES.

Earthquakes, floods, blizzards and a host of other disasters are democratic; every person is affected evenly. But a tornado will utterly destroy one home and leave a flimsy lawn chair unscathed next door.

True story: When I was just shy of being a teenager, our neighbor's oak tree was picked up out of the ground, roots and all, and came crashing down into our OTHER neighbor's den. Our house? No damage at all. Mine and my brother's bicycles were still sitting propped up against our garage where we'd left them that evening. But at the house behind us, the massive garage door was GONE.

Everyone knows that southern men have a rifle rack in the truck, a grill on the back porch made out of a discarded oil drum, and a bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on top of the fridge. But a little known requirement to get the Southern Boy Seal of Approval is to have a weather alert radio with a fresh set of batteries on the dresser in the bedroom.

And redneck that I am, I've got one, of course. Mine has several useful features; you can set it for the style of alert (from natural disasters to product recalls or any combination), or to a specific county or combination of counties, or even use it as simple alarm clock. And being the STUPID redneck that I am, I mentioned to the people at work that the one we're selling is the same style I have at home.

So guess who get's to do the @#$% programming for all the customers?

Not once, not twice, not just a few times. WE'VE SOLD SEVERAL THOUSANDS !!! And we're selling not just to people in our city. Setting every radio exactly alike would be too easy; I've got to remember the codes and setting for every blessed county and city around us.

And simply programming the @#$% things isn't enough. I have to show each and every customer how to USE them. "Ya see that big button to says ON? Push it once to turn it on." "Ya see that button that says OFF?..." (Personally, I'd rather read the INSTRUCTIONS THAT COME IN THE BOX than trust my life to some long haired freak I've never met before. But that's just me.)

I've pushed the same buttons, and recited the same speech for hours and hours, shift after shift, day after day, for too long now. And after we had a mild weather alert go thru the area the other day, we're starting to have customers bring their weather alert radios complaining that they're not working.

Why?

Because I left out the most important part of my speech.

So I've added something to my patter.

"You see this cord with the adapter at one end and the two prongs at the other? And on the back of the radio, you see this little hole that says "AC Outlet?..."

Dungeons & Dragons was released a generation ago and quickly became a national craze. I must admit that I was amongst those who spent their Friday and Saturday nights hacking, slashing, picking pockets and throwing fireballs from our fingertips instead of going out with the fairer sex. To explain how obsessive we were, the group I rolled dice with beat the creator of D&D to getting the monsters manual published by six months. Granted, ours was in a loose binder instead of bound in a hardback book, but still...

Fairly quickly D&D, or more accurately AD&D by this time, had a slew of imitators. One of them was a sci-fi themed game called Paranoia. Though it was certainly a RPG, our group transformed it into the ANTI-role-playing game. Most RPGs stressed teamwork. But Paranoia was set up to prevent the players from working together.

Set up in a dystopian future controlled by a insane computer, the characters found themselves forced to pit themselves against each other in order to survive. Secret societies were classified as terrorist organizations and membership was grounds for automatic execution. Being an unregistered mutant was also illegal and resulted in summary execution. (And yes, every player got stuck with a character who was in an illegal secret society and an unregistered mutant.) Damaging property owned by the state was one of the greatest acts of treason to be found. (Maybe that was why Research & Development was so quick to hand out broken equipment to the party. "It worked fine when they left with it.") Additionally, most of the organization characters belonged to, such as Armed Forces or Department of Commissaries and Supplies absolutely detested one another. Any opportunity to embarrass another branch was a chance for quick promotion.

It was game of constant note passing to the DM, as players took every opportunity they could to sandbag their companions.

And to top it all off, we rarely used dice to decide the outcome of actions. The DM usually ruled that the most outlandish, off-the-wall, sure-to-get-everyone-killed idea was the one that happened.

Now that I've "briefly" set up the story...

Several years ago, a group of us were in Atlanta for a fantasy convention one weekend. After doing "con stuff" all night, we relaxed in the courtyard at the Omni one morning before the convention reopened. And how to do a bunch of people who've played AD&D for 18 straight hours relax? Why by playing a DIFFERENT RPG, of course.

So there we were handing out character sheets for a fresh game of Paranoia, when a man slightly older than we were sat down at the table next to us. We realized fairly quickly that this guy was laughing just as hard as we were at the game, so we invited him to join us. The DM tossed together a new character sheet, made a few adjustments to the other characters so they would have reason to sabotage Gary's character, and he joined our merry party.

Our group was already feared for making DMs run crying into the night, but THIS guy... Gary's character assassinated the party leader (with documented evidence of treason to justify it), and took over the party. He reprogrammed the Funbot's laser cannon to shoot lemon meringue instead (gotta admit it does make more sense in a bizarre sort of way). And altered the atomic powered cruiser so everyone else's seats were OUTSIDE the vehicle (much easier to return fire that way, you see). And all this before his character had failed an insanity check.

After a couple hours of play, the party found themselves cowering inside the cruiser surrounded by a mob of NPCs intent on the destruction of the party. To make matters worse, the party was THIS close to their objective, needing only to get up a two hundred foot cliff to reach it. Gary quickly conceived of a brilliant plan to both defeat the NPCs and create a pass in the cliff face. He directed the other party members to expend the last of their firepower while he did something to the cruiser's engine. He passed a note to the DM explaining exactly what he wanted to do.

Remember the part where I mentioned how the cruiser was powered? What happens to a bunch of violent NPCs who are caught in the blast of a self-destructing atomic pile? And that pesky cliff wouldn't last long if hit with a two megaton blast, now would it?

Granted, Gary's character would have faced charges for damaging the cruiser, and the other characters clothing, and... But as Gary pointed out, the mile wide crater left little evidence that HIS character was at fault.

After our session broke up, he mentioned in passing his last name. I'm sure you AD&D fans have already guessed, but we had sat down and played a role-playing game with none other than Gary Gygax, the creator of an entire industry.

You'll be missed Gary, and thank you for helping us socially inept people find a way to make lifelong friends.

Not REALLY back. But I have to blog this one just to get it out of my system.

Every @#$% time an Alabama native is interviewed for national television, it bugs me to no end. My home state always comes across as the most redneck, backwoods, uneducated, third-world poor state in the union. Everyone in the country imagines that the welcome sign at the state line says

Welcome to

ALABAMA.

Don't forget to set your clocks back 200 years.

BUT...

Alabama was the birthplace of the civil rights movement. Not because of it was the home of hatred, but rather because Alabama was the first state that was READY for humanity towards all.

We were the leaders in America's flight to outer space. (Just to settle the question of who leads the world in science, a native of my own Huntsville redefined what is and isn't a planet for the entire human race.) We're an AMAZING people.

BUT...

Sometimes I just wanna slap people here into the 21st century, @#$% it!!!!

As you may recall, I'm the shop steward where I work. I need to explain exactly what a shop steward does before I can go on. standard jroberthaga leap in subject (patent pending) My job requires me to enforce the contract and labor laws, regardless of the outcome. Thankfully, I'm one of those people who can argue out of both sides of my face. I'll happily "quote mine" to portray my view as logical meaning of a law or contract. And I'll drop sections just as quickly if need be. (No need to mention it since it's not really relevant. wink, wink. nudge, nudge.) Playing the lawyer game is 99.999 times out of 100 an advantage.

BUT...

Some people I absolutely refuse to help. No matter the justification, no matter the cause, some people I will gladly let the company fire. In fact, I'll even go so far as to HELP them bury these idiots. Does that mean I shouldn't be a shop steward? You decide.

I was the opening checker one morning and was blindsided by a customer who was LIVID. Not your standard "I'm a miserable human being and I want everyone to be as miserable as me" customer. Nor your standard "Yeah, I'm supposed to be on court-ordered meds, but the pretty colors sound so much better when I'm off them" customer. Nor even your standard "I bought this forty-two years ago for nine cents a pound and I want it for the same price" customer.

She was upset because of she what she overheard an employee saying.

There's only a few words in the English language that are 100% never gonna fail to offend. The "F" bomb, "Nazi", and (tv.com bans the word, but it rhymes with trigger). And if "trigger" doesn't offend enough people, why not take it to a place undreamed of by Olympic level asshats and call a pretty blond girl a "trigger lover" in the middle of an aisle at a busy supermarket? Gee, how many degrees beyond "hostile work environment" are there?

Needless to say, I talked to manager about the situation as soon as he walked in the door. I told him that I would be discussing the situation with employees as well, but as shop steward I wanted him to put an end to that sort of customer complaints. (I've got bills to pay and don't want to have a business close out from under me because half the @#$% city is to offended to shop here any more!!!)

While I asked around, I discovered that this was not a one-time problem. This employee had been making racist, sexist, and just plain offensive remarks for quite some time. To give you an idea how utterly beyond the pale of even the most ignorant, weak-minded, delusional, KKK-inspired offensive comments they were, she was quoted as saying "I can tell you slept with that trigger because you clocked in stinking of trigger."

Wow.

Just...

Wow.

I was certain that this had to be an exaggeration. I mean, it just HAD to be, didn't it? But two other people told me that very comment unprompted. And when I talked to the manager, he told me he'd heard the same quote from other sources.

I worked night crew for fifteen long years, and we constantly dissed each other with the "Yo momma's so fat", "You're so ugly", "Yo wife's so dumb" jokes. Every third blue moon someone would cross that invisible line and have to apologize, but we were KIDDING. None of us were so evil and filled with blind hatred that we could even imagine saying what this person was saying.

Company policy, and my personal feeling are to fire people even SUSPECTED of such behavior and ask questions later. But, amazingly the persons being so grievously abused for so long didn't want the person fired. Nor relocated to another store or even a different department. They felt SORRY for this not yet-an-adult, parent of two. They were adamant that they hadn't complained because they knew she'd be fired. And even though the cat was out of the bag, they insisted that she NOT be fired.

Now company policy and federal law is straight forward on this issue. The asshat who does that sort of thing is guilty as are any supervisors who allow it. The night manager and department manager were both aware of the problem, but not as to the degree of how bad it was. Additionally, there were witnesses to the problem who had not informed either me or a manager of it.

The situation quickly grew to have the potential to cost numerous people their jobs. The manager and I discussed the situation and, with HIS boss signing off on it, agreed to an unusual solution.

We'd do almost nothing.

If any one person was disciplined or fired, the paperwork justifying that one thing would inevitably lead to numerous people losing their jobs.

So...The supervisors would be counseled "off the books" about harassment policy, and warned they could NEVER allow it to happen again. The bigot would be counseled, again "off the books". But she was warned that I would retain a copy of all our paperwork, as well as the manager. She was told in no uncertain terms that if a manager even SUSPECTED she looked at another employee wrong she was out the door, no second chances.

And, even though this bigot doesn't read this, I want someone to know.

The main reason she got away with it? Because the people she hates pleaded for mercy on her.

And despite the few people in this state that make me ashamed, there's others here whose kindness to those same people make me so very proud to live here.

Okay, I gotta admit something. No, I didn't go to law school, but I do know a little bit more about it than you do.

You see; I'M the shop steward for a reason. I'm the one who had to go to all those @#$% training classes in another @#$%ing state. I'm the one who was part of the negotiating committee and know exactly what's in the @#$% contract. I'm the one who's gone thru these meetings more times than you can even imagine. I'm the one who's actually sat across the table from bunch of corporate lawyers and WON an arbitration.

And your total experience /legal training of watching Law & Order reruns DOESN'T trump that, got it?

So here's the rules.

#1. SHUT UP.

They're not you're BFFs. (To be honest, I'm not gonna invite over to my house any time soon, either. But I'm not out to fire you; so you stand a better chance of surviving this by only talking to me instead.) Do you really think they're so stupid they're not going to check on whatever whopper you came up with in .25 seconds? Or perhaps you think they spent all that money to buy security cameras but were too cheap to buy tape? And do you really think you won't get fired if you rat out somebody else? (Guess what. Now they get to stop paying benefits on TWO idiots.)

True story: The manager informs me an employee is receiving a written warning for a "no call / no show". I discuss the issue with the employee before we go upstairs for the meeting. He says something along the lines of "When I called in for Friday, I thought I told [night checker] I wouldn't be in Saturday either." "Stop right there." I said. "I don't want to hear anything else. Stick to what you just said when we get upstairs. Other than that, let me do all the talking."

A few minute later, once we've sat down for the meeting, he says "I guess I could have told [night checker] I wasn't coming in Saturday, but didn't because I was working in Produce the next day."

AAARRRGGGHHH !!!! Which part of "Don't say anything else" was unclear?!!!

#2 I'M THE EXPERT, NOT YOU.

Yeah, the contract looks straight forward on that issue. BUT, the before what you just read that says "All portions of this article shall apply to employees hired before 11/11/77..."kinda makes it hard for me to argue that it should apply to you too. You weren't even BORN before 1977!!!

And [other idiot employee] telling you what the contract REALLY means doesn't count as expert advice either.

And due to the simple fact that I deal with the managers a little bit more than you, I MIGHT have a better idea of how to talk to them. I've got them in a good mood right now, so as long as YOU don't tick them off, we'll get paid to sit down for fifteen minutes and everyone comes out of this happy.

And you don't know EVERYTHING, you snot-nose punk. I've done some dealing with them on some other issues that don't concern you. As long as you don't blow it, they get to pretend they're being all big and bad by giving you a verbal warning. And your fellow employee who's trying to feed three kids on her own gets to keep her job.

#3 SHUT UP.

I've already been up there, so they don't know anything about your friends getting away with taking a thirty minute break. Heck, the only reason they know you did it, is because you TOLD PEOPLE you did it. Everyone else kept their mouths shut. Learn from people who've got a little bit more common sense, okay?

And it's still not too late for you to SHUT UP!!!

Once we get upstairs, if you open your fat mouth, then your friends get in trouble also. Notice that's "also", not "instead". Ratting on friends, not only is just going to add to my headaches, it's a downright scummy thing to do.

True story: Management had already discussed with me an employee who thought he was on a "free lunch" program. They saw him take product off the shelf and walk to the break room. For obvious reasons, they stopped him once he sat down and asked for a receipt. "My girlfriend (who works in the deli on the other side of the store) got it for me."

Uh…

Wow.

You can only sit back in amazement at the level of love there. It almost breaks you're heart.

#4 DON'T GET MAD AT ME.

I'm on YOUR side. (Or at least until you started cussing at me. At that point, my best effort just decided to go outside and have a smoke for a while.) Don't scream and yell at me for telling you what the contract says we can do in this situation.

It's not my fault the contract says someone who's been working here twenty years gets five weeks vacations and you still don't have any after a whole three weeks. Yes, we were a bunch of idiots during contract negotiations for not thinking about poor widdl you. But it's too late for is to insert a clause just for you, so let's concentrate on things we can deal with, shall we?

And yes, they have to right to write the schedule. You don't get to tell them when you're working. I know the whole business of working on a weekend in retail sucks. But I'm right there in the check lane next to you. If I had any control over the schedule, I promise you at least ONE of us would be sitting at home watching the ball game this Saturday.

#5 SHUT UP !!!

Cussing at me? Dumb, but it won't get you fired. Cussing at management in front of witnesses? It's been a while since I've dealt with that one. So I guess I should thank you for letting me deal with the whole gross insubordination issue. (And the boss was in a fairly decent mood a few minutes before. It's gonna be SOOO much fun dealing with him on the next two meetings he and I have lined up. Thanks heaps.)

You're stuck in this lousy job because your people skills SUCK. He, on the other hand, got promoted to manager because his people skills DON'T suck. And I got to be shop steward because I can negotiate and debate with the best of them. So just sit back and let me handle it.

Yeah, I know it's YOUR job on the line. But you're scared/mad/paranoid right now. I'm calm and here to help you. He's calm and, despite the fact that you honestly believe he's been plotting to get you since day one, doesn't want to fire anyone. As long you keep that fat mouth of yours shut, everything should be over fairly quickly and painlessly.

And #6.…

WHICH PART OF "SHUT THE @#$%UP" IS UNCLEAR?!!!

No one said anything about you getting in trouble. Management and I could get in a whole heap of trouble for talking about it to ANYONE. So who in the WORLD went blabbing to the entire store about something only three people could have known about?

*sigh*

Why in the world management was crazy enough to hire somebody who so obviously is NEVER going to learn a few basic rules is beyond me.