Amid the chaos of that day, when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots, and all I could smell was the violence in the air, I look back and am amazed that my thoughts were so clear and true, that three words went through my mind endlessly, repeating themselves like a broken record: I Love you I Love you I Love you...

My grandson... thought it would be funny to jump off the golf cart him and daddy were on. Except the cart was still moving...

7 Stitches.......

I love him to pieces but sometimes I wish I could lock him in a closet to keep him safe..

So I'm sitting on the floor in kitchen going through old baby clothes to give away or throw away when the phone rings. I have stoped jumping up and running for the phone a long time ago. I get up normal and walk two inches when I trip over the baby gate. Phone still ringing with me bend over cusing up a blue and my grandson behind me going "boo boo mama'?" His grandma still comes out mamma. After the pain passes in my foot I somewhat forget about it until it starts to swell and turn purple and for almost two days I can not put my shoe on with out screaming in pain.

My new job has medical insurance, YIPPIE !!, so I decide to use it and go in to have it looked at. Well, seems I have fractured my pinky toe. Got to wear a big black boot for awhile. I get so much simpathy with that thing on. Even more when I tell people I got hit by a car, Then I tell them what really happand. It is funny both ways.

I can now put shoes on and not scream, my heels still twings a little but not that much, going in again on monday to make sure things are healing correctly. THank god for medical insurance.

This week end was my first night off in over 20 days. I almost started throwing things at people I was so tired. Working midnights that long make me loopy

Took my grandson to see his mom in Indiana, She has moved there with the thing she calls her boyfriend. And with the way she talks you would think they are living in the promise land. "mom we have rented a house , It is so nice." I think , good not sleeping on a friend couch, which her and thing was doing when they first got down there.

My daughter warns me that the house they have rented looks bad on the outside by it real nice on the inside. I am not sure what she calls nice BUT this house is far from nice. I have seen dumpsters that were nicer and cleaner and smelled a way lot better.

There is duct tape holding the front door together and I mean A HOLE ROLL of duct tape. There is also duct tape around the bathroom sink and on almost every corner of the house. Even parts of the floor have duct tape to patch up a hole. The kitchen is not fit to have dogs live in it. there is garbage all over it.. AND SHE SAID SHE CLEANED before we got there.

I can get past that they sleep in the living room on a fold out couch, they do not have a bed and even I would'nt sleep on the floor and the couch is comfortable. Or that she had not toilet paper or food. Even the best of us have been there. BUT!!!!!!!

I told her there is NO WAY my grandson is living in this place until it is scrubed clean. I can live with the duct tape holding things together. at least they are together. BUT the filth has to go. The kitchen sink and one counter looks like it is growing grass on top of it. OMG!!

She got mad but she knows I am right. we stayed the week end, I told her I would come again with him in a few weeks. I know she misses him alot but I also think she likes her freedom.

The babys father has moved in with me , I had him do that because my daughter wanted to leave the baby with him while she moved to another state and 'get settled' and I wanted to be able to keep an eye on the baby ( and the father with the baby) so I am not doing it all by myself. My grandson LOVES his daddy and I know that the father loves his son. I know I have called him low life before, but he has come around. He may not be paying for things but he is doing 99% of taking care of his son. I have to give him credit for that.

I sometimes feel like a broken record. Complaining about my daughter.

But what ya going to do..!?

I would like to this is the straw that has broken the camels back. (me being the camel I guess). But she has never really done ONE things that has me not wanting to talk to her. It is more like a number of things that has brought me to this point.

The yelling and screaming (of course I do a lot of yelling and screaming too). The demanding that I help her. Take the baby, Take her shoping, (with her own money but I HAVE to drive).

I bought her car. Some say I was out of my mind to do even that with the way she treats me, but it was only a 100$ so I figured it was not that bad.. Well of course, to her it was not a good enough car "I don't want that piece of crap". Not greatfull that I was able to buy her one, any one but not the right one for her..

Wouldn't let her drive it until she paid to have it insured and taged and plated. "what! I have to do that to.. What do think I am.? The cars in your name mom, you pay for it.". In my name to keep the insurance cheaper of course, but not greatfull about that..

Car would not start of stay started so I put it in the shop and because I have no money I have to leave it there until I can pay to get it out. Car guy is ok with my leaving it in the parking lot until I can come up with the money, Very nice man.. "BUT mom, I need MY car, My boyfriend needs a ride to work and a way back and for the work and what do you expect him to do now.? You know you have the money and you are just not giving it to the car guy.. you are such a B*T*H"

So you better believe that I am selling the car the first person that wants it and she and 'the boyfriend can WALK"!

She has moved out of course and is living in the hotel where she works. Gets a really good deal from the owner, 100$ a week and covers everything, lights, water cable, phone, and you know she is doing her laundry cause she works in housekeeping. I like it there cause it is safe and clean and the owner called me to make sure I was ok with her moving in there.. My daughter told the owner "but im 18, I can move out and move in where I want". the owner:: "I dont care how old you think you are.. I am still calling your mother". Thank goodness someone is on my side..

Well after having had enough of her treating me like dirty under her feet I have decided to 'walk away'. I told her 'you keep saying you want me out of your life.. Well, I'm giving it to you..". "go be an adult' ..

Its killing me not seeing the baby but it this is what has to be to 1: keep my sanity and 2: keep me from beating her head against the first thing I can find... Then so be it.

I pray every moment that she will see that I do help her (especially when she has to walk somewhere cause I am not there to drive her, like the bank or the store). and will call and somehow say she is sorry or what ever is closed to that that she can bring herself to say..

I also pray that she will see that I am NOT that enemy that she makes me out to be.

Maybe not having me around will show her that life was a little better with me around ..