1.A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
   is a pretty well built
   guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
   couple of drinks,
   curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
   sailor why he had a normal
   sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
   was involved in a naval
   battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
   island in the middle of
   the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
   walking on the
   beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
   helped her get back
   to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
   asked to be rescued
   off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
   the rescue ship was
   on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
   never ending roll of
   twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
   pulling out 20s and
   putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
   island for quite some time
   without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
   waist down I'm a
   fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
   it for a minute and said
   OK, how about a little head.

 2.A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
   On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
   begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
   drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
   using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
   shark-infested sea to a remote island.
   
   Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
   head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
   She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
   his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
   get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
   and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
   
   He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
   
   Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
   together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
   they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
   they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
   
   Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
   "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
   together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
   anything I can do?"
   
   He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
   shirt?"
   
   "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
   puts it on.
   
   "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
   
   "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
   
   "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
   face?" he asks.
   
   "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
   
   Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
   island?"
   
   She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
   the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
   minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
   says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

3.One day there were these three boys walking down  the street, 

all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!'

When the boys got to the noise they saw Bill Clinton in a lake
drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Bill Clinton asks the
first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat.'
The second boy said 'I want a truck.' 
And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with are names all on them.'  

Bill Clinton said, 'why is that son?' 
The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you,he is going to kill us all!'

4.How do you clean a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the **** out of it!

5.Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like
"work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal
e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without
doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the
societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would
like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by
your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim
you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable
training dollars.

 6.The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
   weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
   and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

1.A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

2.What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? 

     They both leak when they're **** sozz couldnt help but put it up

3.A guy is screw1ng a great looking blonde. 
The girl asks, "You haven't got A1DS have you?" 
He replies, "No." 
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!!
I don't want to get that again...!"(dats why u should always ware condms;P)

4.I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kis and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 

5.A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t
again, you're in my closet now."

6. 
I HAD A BAD DAY

   It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
   the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into
   Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy
   would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at
   12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
   The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told
   the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day
   you died."
   "No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my
   wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour,
   she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex
   with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well,
   I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this
   guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
   apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
   give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
   there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
   that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
   promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
   But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall
   and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went
   back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at
   him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the
   refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and
   heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
   The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had
   a heart attack and died almost instantly."
   The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID
   have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK,
   Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
   A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before
   I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
   "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I
   was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
   exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over
   the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips
   on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy
   man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping
   on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on
   the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm
   laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
   pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the
   ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
   The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his
   story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
   "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
   and he lets the man enter.
   A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell
   me about the day you died," said the angel.
   "OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a
   Refrigerator......."

1.Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part 
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's 
normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an 
inappropriate question and my parents are going to
hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not 
studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you 
going to be disappointed someday!" 

2.The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through
the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and
licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around
and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After
about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his
tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear
tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five
minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with
you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get 

the taste out of my mouth!"

3.Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
   who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
   they keep the house.

4.("Bird" is an English Term equivalent to "Chick", and "tight" is
   equivalent to "cheap")
   You never would have guessed that, right?
   
   This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down
   at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for
   myself, a Gin &Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat".
   
   The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
   
   Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A G&T for
   myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
   
   The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
   
   This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately
   buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the
   evening the barman asks the man, "Look, whats the story? I have to
   know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never
   buys a round?"
   
   "Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road
   one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came
   out and said, `Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your
   heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'
   
   "So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight **** 

5.A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on 
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second 
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't 
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap 
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your 
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral 
van for the last 25 years.

6.An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the 
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the 
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said 
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."