As kids, we were all told that trains go "choo-choo" and cars go "beep-beep." Check out the sounds they make in other languages:

AAH-CHOO!

Portuguese: Ah-chim!

German: Hat-chee!

Greek: Ap tsou!

Japanese: Hakshon!

Italian: Ekchee!

SPLASH!

Hindi: Dham! (lol... they curse in the bath)

Russian: Plyukh!

Danish: Plump!

Spanish: Chof!

Greek: Plitz-platz!

EENY-MEANY-MINIE-MO

Arabic: Hadi-badi

Italian: Ambaraba chichicoco

Japanese: Hee-foo-mee-yo

Swedish: Ol-uh dol-uh doff

Polish: Ele mele dudki

CHOO-CHOO!

Chinese: Hong-lung, hong-lung

Danish: Fut fut!

Japanese: Shuppo-shuppo!

Swahili: Chuku-chuku!

Greek: Tsaf-tsouf!

ZZZZZZZZZZ....

Arabic: Kh-kh-kh...

Chinese: Hulu...

Italian: Ronf-ronf...

Japanese: Gah-gah...

OOPSY-DAISY!

Arabic: Hop-pa!

Italian: Opp-la!

Japanese: Yoisho!

Russian: Nu davai!

Danish: Opse-dasse!

KITCHY-KITCHY-KOO!

Chinese: Gujee!

French: Gheely-gheely!

Greek: Ticki-ticki-ticki!

Swedish: Kille kille kille!

UH-OH!

Chinese: Zao le!

Italian: Ay-may!

Japanese: Ah-ah!

Swahili: Wee!

Swedish: Oy-oy!

BEEP-BEEP!

Chinese: Dooo dooo! (uh...?)

Hindi: Pon pon!

Spanish: Mock mock!

French: Puet puet!

Japanese: Boo boo!

CHUGALUG!

Arabic: Gur-gur-gur!

Hindi: Gat-gat!

Hebrew: Gloog gloog!

Russian: Bool-bool!

Chinese: Goo-doo, goo-doo!

Source: Uncle John's Ultimate Bathroom Reader, (c) 1996.

Recent paranormal studies have proven true a strange and selective curse placed upon some people in this world.

All those with the curse display ALL SIX of the following characteristics:

1. They are over three feet tall.

2. They eat a lot.

3. They are very hot-natured and don't like it.

4. They get scared easily.

5. They believe depression over a mail order package is best dealt with through art.

6. They like crackers.

The people with ALL SIX of those characteristics barely live past the age of 30. The reason? Starting when they learn to walk, they rapidly turn to dust while alive. At 17 years of age, their bodies begin to get weaker and weaker until the day they completely turn to dust.

It is best that these people do not attend football games, take IQ tests, or go outdoors dressed as a giant carrot (that last one is only applicable to people whose family name appears anywhere on their property).

I have talked with basselope7 and she says she is one of those people; she has all six of those characteristics.

If you are too... get help. NOW.

Today I am going to criticize--er, critique--a thick paperback textbook entitled How Rude!: The Teenagers' Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out.

I have spent a few days reading the book once-over to become familiar with the text, so that I can just skim the book when I quote, critique, or reference it. (It's a library book, so I can't keep it forever.)

Overview

The book is funny. It does seem to try very hard to appeal to teenagers, but it tries nowhere near hard enough. More likely, it will only be enjoyed by the percentage of teenagers that are mature... which is probably about 2.731% or so. And out of that, only .692% will actually follow the instructions given. Personally, I am one of the 2.039% that will not. I don't think a lot of the suggestions (as opposed to rules ) sound possible. Besides, this book costs $19.95 plus tax in U.S. dollars... not everyone can afford that just for a book that tells you what to do.

Positive points

• The book has a lot of humorous stories, footnotes, and puns (some of which are double-entendres) that kept me wanting to read it. I especially liked the joke about getting hard, which I quote below:

HORMONAL HAPPENINGS: The male organ, especially during its owner's adolescence, often elects to stand up for itself at the most inconvenient times. Such "elections" should never be remarked upon or pointed out by witnesses. Other than for the embarrassed one, they Do Not Exist.

If you're of the gender for which the words "rise and shine" have special meaning in the morning, you may wish to avail yourself of those fashion styles designd as protective covering for adolescent boys, such as baggy pants and long flannel shirts that go down to your knees. One hopes that your parents and teachers will have the sensitivity not to insist that you tuck in your shirt.

I am not making this up. It actually says that.

• Nothing else.

Bad points

• It speaks in such a manner that nearly all teenagers who read the book (assuming they do) will not understand it at all, and will not get a lot of the jokes. The only ones who will get them are called nerds, and they're already sickeningly polite and therefore would not decide to read the book. How many average teenagers will understand the phrase "suggesting anatomical acts individuals could commit upon themselves"? Do you? I only do because I am an evil genius.
• It seems to give the impression that the typical teenage culture is in and of itself rude. Hey lady--we think the same about adults and little kids. Why don't adults respect us? Why don't little kids get slapped for making fun of us? We're older than kids, so we should be protected from them. We're often more "in the know" than adults, and we're stronger than them so we can lift stuff for them, so why don't they treat us with the same amount ofmanners and respect we get slapped for if we don't give them?

Specific quotes I find helpful

"It is unnaceptable to call someone a vegetable. It is preferred to call him or her a person with a brain injury." Darn right. If you call someone a vegetable, it'll conjure up images of carrots or broccoli in the minds of the average under-21 person these days. "Vegetable" hasn't been used that way in a long time.

"For a good example of how obnoxious incessant applause can be, watch the President's State of the Union address sometime." Already I can imagine what that's like even if I haven't and never plan to watch the State of the Union address. If it's that many people watching a very important person talk about "We'll fight till we win!!" and "I promise we will do better!!!" and all that crudola meant to stir the emotions of the public, I can picture in my head without even experiencing the hours and hours of people clapping. The author knows how to paint good mental images.

Specific quotes I find troublesome

"To the typical Boston driver, green means 'twice the speed limit.' Yellow means 'pedal to the metal!' And red means 'Outta my way, you moron!' Boston motorists are trained from birth to add the words This Means Everyone But Me to road signs. Thus we have 'No Right Turn on Red (this means everybody but me)' and 'Yield' (this means everybody but me).'" Welcome to the 6:00 News. Our top story tonight:The Boston Pride Club set the house of a British children's book author on fire today for criticizing the driving manner of Bostonites...

"Here are some examples of sexually harassing behaviors that have been reported in U.S. high schools:

• unwanted touching (of the arm, breasts, buttocks, genitals)
• verbal comments about looks, parts of the body, what type of sex the person would be "good at," etc.
• name calling ("babe," "honey," "b*tch," and worse)
• spreading sexual rumors
• leers and stares
• telling sexual or dirty jokes
• displaying pornography or sexually oriented cartoons or pictures
• pressing someone for sexual activity
• cornering, blocking, or standing too close to someone
• publicly "rating" an individual (i.e. on a scale of 1-10)
• giving snuggies or wedgies
• sexual assault or attempted sexual assault
• rape
• touching or exhibiting oneself sexually in front of others
• sexual graffiti
• making kissing, smacking, or sucking sounds
• catcalls, whistles
• repeatedly asking someone out when he or she isn't interested
• pulling down someone's pants or skirt
• facial expressions (winking, kissing, tongueing)
• creating "slam books" (lists of students with derogatory sexual comments written about them by other students)

Come on now. Only 12 of those sound like actual crimes. The rest can't actually hurt someone. If you whistle while someone walks by--can your quarter note's flag accidentally poke him in the eye? If you call someone "sexy," is he supposed to take it as an insult? I also don't see a problem with "displaying" pornography (though in a school context it may be a problem); if you hang a naked pic of Gaara in your locker, who, specifically, is being insulted? It may be a sexual offense,but how is it sexual harassment?

And let's not even quote the entire subsection devoted to chewing gum. I see how sometimes it's inappropriate to chew gum... but how can chewing gum fall into the "Does Not Exist" category (i.e. it should only be done in private)? Is gum now considered equally as inappropriate as cigarettes? I don't get it.

Would I recommend this book?

No.

I lied when I said we'd learn how to cheat at Monopoly today

Now, some people have families that love to cook. And some people in some of those families like enjoy the cooking so much, they like to attempt to sneak in sips or licks of condiments, handfuls of salt to eat in bed, or even whole pieces of food that you know is for eating the next day.

If this describes you, there's another thing you have to consider:

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN CAUGHT?

If the answer is "Every time," "Sometimes," "Occasionally," or "Once," you need to learn what you're doing wrong so you won't get caught in the future.

If the answer is "Never," there is still the possibility that you may get caught one day, so you need to learn what you didn't know so you can keep on avoiding getting caught.

I, for one, have been doing this for 5 years and STILL HAVE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT.

This is because I have figured out on my own the secret tips and tricks to keeping one's nocturnal noshing stealthy.

Not Getting Caught Basics:

1. If there is a person sleeping near the fridge area, you have to make sure he's REALLY sleeping. Step to an area where it wouldn't seem to a passerby that you are attempting to break into the fridge. If you go up to the face of the suspected sleeper, there is the chance he WON'T be asleep and you'll have to wait more than 10 minutes for him to forget what you did so that it won't be suspicious. Stay perfectly still, and keep your breathing quiet. When you can hear snoring, it's safe to open the fridge.

2. When it comes to sounds that might mean someone's coming, trust your gut feelings. The gut is usually right. However, it's better to be safe than sorry. A nervous gut keeps one safer than one that tells oneself "it's just my imagination, so go right ahead."

Sips:

1. Drink Coffee-Mate, half-and-half, or any creamer in very low light (but not darkness). If you successfully poured the cream into a glass and put the carton back without anyone catching you, just sit or stand in the kitchen sipping it. If anyone happens to come into the kitchen, they will assume you're drinking milk. Your parents might even praise you for getting your calcium! Just be sure they don't turn on the light, or they'll notice that thedrink is too white, shiny, and thick-looking to be milk!

2. Bottles/jars that were meant to be sipped from: oils, vinegar, the brine in pickled foods. Bottles that were meant to be squirted: lemon juice, lime juice, squirty condiments. Basically, if it's pourable, sip it; if it's squeezable, squirt it. If it's a watery liquid like lemon or lime juice, aim for the back of the throat. If it's a squeezy condiment, squirt some in your hand (try not to let it make fart sounds) and lick it off. It is NOT acceptable to put your tongue on or inside any container in the fridge.

3. To discreetly ingest a package of soy sauce, quietly take one out of the drawer and hold it in your hand. Without flashing the packet ("flashing" refers to letting a large area of a contraband object show out noticeably from your hand or bag), go to the nearest unoccupied bathroom, enter and lock it. Sit on the toilet, rip open the packet, and while actually going to the bathroom, place your lips on the packet and clamp down hard (don't use your teeth), and proceed to suck out the entire contents. Do this as fast as possible. When the packet is empty, drop it in the toilet, use toilet paper if necessary, and flush. Wash your hands and don't exit until you're sure that the packet has flushed successfully.

Salt:

Basically, all you need to do is wait until no one can see you, find the salt shaker or a box/container of salt (kosher salt tastes best), pour some into your hand, and run off to bed where you secretly lick the salt off your hand and rub it all over your taste buds. Several crucial areas you probably didn't know could taste: the corners where your tongue meets the back of your mouth, the soft palate, the cheeks, the spit glands underneath the tongue, the tonsils, the back of your throat (avoid puking), and a spot at the base of the gum of your fangs where it meets your lips. Practice feeling around for those spots right now so you'll find them when you're eating the salt.

Snibbles:

The general rule here is: DON'T EAT AN ACTUAL SERVING OR ANYTHING THAT REQUIRES A KNIFE!! Acceptable snibbles:

Whole olives/marinated artichoke hearts/roasted peppers/etc.(one or two, but no more)

One piece of leftover side dishes (avoid making aluminum foil sounds or anything that requires a spoon)

One cookie (beware of crumbs)

UNACCEPTABLE snibbles:

Fingerfuls of butter, margarine, icing, etc.

A bite of cheese, steak, pickle, etc. that means someone will take it out and say "Why is there a bite mark on this?" (one or two PRE-CUT CUBES of cheese is okay though)

Onions or garlic (they'll smell it on your breath when they walk into your room the next morning)

And the most important rule of all:

IF IT'S NEVER BEEN OPENED, DON'T OPEN IT; IF IT'S THE LAST OF IT, DON'T EAT IT.

This will lead to people wondering "Hey, how did this seal come off?" or "What happened to the last of the...?"

What I'd really like to know is: Is there anyone else that can relate to this post?

If you own a copy of the Game of LIFE (the manual version, not the electronic), you may have played it many times before. Maybe, you could have played it a lot. If you have played it so many times before that it has become monotonous, here are some variations on and rules you can add to the game to make it a little more interesting:

1. If you can salvage a 1970s edition, a 1980s edition, a 1990s edition, and a 2000s edition all at once (not Twists and Turns), play the 2000s game with a combination of the rules of all four editions. (Each decade, they redo the rules for some reason.) Keep the same cards, but pool the money, LIFE tiles and insurance policies,and use all the extras (such as the betting stripand Millionaire Tycoon rule from the 1970s). Even better, pool the cars and pegs and play with up to 30 people. (If there are more than 8 players, you will need to pool the cards as well.)
2. If you can't or don't want to pay something, rob the bank.
3. If you can't or don't want to pay something else, rob another player.
4. Blantantly disobey the rules (ha ha, I have three stock and you can only have one!!).
5. To get through the gave very quickly, move double the number you spin.
6. To stretch out the game, move half the amount you spin.
7. To really, really stretch out the game, use a coin to move (heads = one space, tails = two spaces) and only use the spinner for non-moving purposes.
8. Initiate fitting songs every time someone lands on a space or draws a card ("Happy Birthday to You," "Here Comes the Bride," "Brick House," etc.). Insist everybody sing along. Move your fingers like a conductor.
9. Play alone, without other imaginary players. See what happens when you get through life without any friends. When you're done, debate yourself over whether what you learned taught you you did or didn't want friends.
10. Play without cars. Condemn yourself, your family and your friends to be pedestrians all their lives.

Tomorrow we will learn how to cheat at Monopoly.