It happened few days ago, last week actually... I was with a high-school friend (who is a girl) having coffee and cake in a student bar. We haven't seen each other for a long, long time so we had a lot of catching up to do... As the time went by laughing and retelling each other stories, I spotted one guy looking over at our table...something attracted me to him but I couldn't figure out what...he was good-looking...but it was something else...and it wasn't his green sweater...he...looked kinda familiar...

As I was sitting with my back it was awkward for me to look over to his table...but I did few times because I was drawn to him...and I didn't know why...He was sitting alone so I thought that he was waiting for someone, probably his girlfriend...he was texting something on his mobile...but time passed and nobody came...

After some time I remembered where I knew him from...we went to primary school together but only for couple of years because he moved...so I told my friend that I think I know this guy sitting opposite to her and she said that he's been looking over at our table all the time , well actually staring, and that she doesn't know him... then I was sure, it was HIM...
I haven't seen him for ten years or so...he changed, but then I changed too...that's way I didn't recognize him at first...he looked like a man now...

When we were kids, actually teenagers...we were always bickering/fighting about something in front of others,and getting on each others nerves...we weren't best of friends but we weren't enemies either...we were in the same cla'ss and moved in the same socity...I help him with some subjects in school, couple of times...

Thinking back now I remember that someone was teasing me that he had a crush on me...and it really annoyed me because well, he annoyed me...He wasn't popular in school because in a way he was different from others, among other things never going with the flow but he wasn't a nerd or a bully just different...One time after a lot of discussing the whole cla'ss finally managed to agree on something very important for our cla'ss but he was against it and he didn't have a good, vaild reason, so it failed and we were all mad at him...

The thing that puzzled me was that when we were alone he was really nice and kind, totally different...but when we were among others it was like he become this other person, a bit taunting, full of himself even a bit rough but not in a violent kind of way...

Reflecting now I think I had mixed feelings towards him, kind of love-hate type of "relationship"...I had a little crush on him but when I tried to talk to my friends about it they thought I was joking and didn't take me seriously at all...and about that time he moved...

and then...there he was...after almost 10 years...I didn't know how to act and I got caught into what my friend was telling me...and caught in memories but they were all blurry and I remembered not so nice ones first and so unconsciously I tried to block him from my thoughts unsuccessfully...but time flew and suddenly I saw him passing me by and I supposed he was going out of the bar but few minutes later he came back through the same door which I later realized it was the toilet. How could I've I known that was the toilet because I've never been in this bar and there was no sign and it was a strange door for a toilet hall...well...

All the time I had the feeling he wanted to come over to say hi or something...but he didn't, actually I think he was waiting for me to give him some sign...more then I smile... but as I said I got caught up and didn't know how to act.It was like I was in an emotional whirl...felt like a teenager again...

And then...suddenly he was gone...
and I felt so sad, disappointed...like I missed out on something...

All in all...it's all so strange...

If this was a movie...then probably this encounter wouldn't end like this...
But this is life...and I got caught up...and it's strange because I'm the one who always trys to be down to earth, real, sensible...one step ahead of situation...but...


I just...I don't know...

Hello my dear friends,

if you still remember me...hope you do...I remember YOU!

It's been awhile from my last post...

Actually it's been 6 month ago... OMG...

In my last post or comment I mentioned that my dad wasn't good, well acutally he had a tumor on his vocal chords and had to go on urgent surgery...That was a a very stressful period in our lives but thankfully now he's doing great...

So I just hadn't had the time or the strength to come here...and later I also had some medical problems, too much stress caused it...and I'm afraid it's back again...and of course my computer crashed...

Anyways, I'm back...hope you're all alright...

CSI:NY I must say I'm very sad & disappointed with all this Danny/Ricki situation, actually I'm heart broken...

Oh, I have a new laptop so hopefully no more CRASHING!

I should be craming for my exams but I decided to come here instead...

That's it for now...I'm off to study but will be back soon I promise...

Lots of huggs'n'kisses

.... I have a terrible cold...

a runny nose...

head hurts like...h*ll

sneezing so loudly that my neighbours across the street behind closed windows can hear me...

my eyes hurt... they are watery and leaking...

I was so happy and looking forward to I S U EuroChamp's Figure Skating and going and bought the tickets... went yesterday...LOVED IT ...

but I caught a bad case of cold... I barely made it home...I drove praying that I don't collapse...my parents had to bring me to the house, I was so dizzy...felt so sick...couldn't stand by myself and had a bad BAD case of MIGRAINE !!!
I thought that my head will explode...

tonight I'm a bit better...I just wanted to let you know the reasons why I'm/will be MIA again...

must go now... have a temperature...

luv ya... would hug ya but am afraid that you don't get sick...

Love, Petra

I often wonder now that I see you with her what would be of me, my life.

Would I be happier or disappointed...everything would have been different,

that's for sure If ...I had the courage then...

If I had the courage to talk to you , right there and then sort it ALL out. But I was too scared, to young... because when I learnt what you have supposedly done, my whole world collapsed.

I felt betrayed with the person that was my whole world.

I changed...I didn't even wanted to be in the same room with you, I was blinded with the "hate" with all those emotions that I felt for the first time all that strong and beautiful emotions turned to hurt and to indescribable pain...

You supposed that I changed my mind, my heart...that I didn't love you anymore that I loved ''him'' better...OH, how wrong.

I thought that you didn't love me at all... I was so WRONG

They say that first love is the deepest, that your emotions are the strongest when you fall in love for the first time...well, I agree that it cuts the deepest!

You get scars for life, that shape your life ...who you become...

I tried my best to hate you but as I later found out I couldn't... And when I finally opened to the person I trusted the most, I saw the BIG picture...

Then I knew I had to straight things out...because I was slowly "killing" myself with grief and sorrow with things I've done and not check it all...but you were too proud...you wanted me to suffer because of what I did to you...and I DID, really I DID...And so I tried and tried to talk to you, to explain...but the opportunities to do so didn't come up, "others" made sure of that...and when they finally came I would froze...didn't know how to start...and so I let the opportunities to slip one after other...

And so months past...years past...I changed, you changed...

We found ourselves in the same triangle...but I decided not to act on NOW real emotions that I felt for ''him'' it in respect to you...that it would be too weird and I wasn't clear with what you feel about all that, if I really have gotten over you... so I stopped the further development between ''him'' and me...WRONG AGAIN!

So, months past...when I finally decided it was wrong to give up something nice and good with ''him'' because of what we once had. Well, MIGHT have had... but it was too late

I grew up, you grew up...

People consider me to be a good, out-going, kind, nice person not so ugly ... they wonder why I AM alone...

How can I tell them that I have scars that are too deep...

That I'm afraid of letting man in...That I built a SAFETY WALL around my heart...so no one can enter even in the ''street'' where my heart is... That those who tried got stuck in the thorns surrounding that wall...

It took me almost a decade to find confidence again... in myself, in men again...

I thought that I dealt with all of these emotions and feelings long ago...

but the truth is, they were hidden deep, very deep in my heart.

And NOW I know it's time to LET IT ALL REALLY GO!

It's time to realize that COULDA-WOULDA-SHOULDA,

what she said, he said...

REALLY won't bring you nothing GOOD!

SO I'm finally LET YOU GO! ( although you live a cross the street)

I'M READY to tear that SAFETY WALL down, the thorns are gone and roses are left...

I'm ready to fall in love again...!

I really wish you all the best in the world but I must

LET MYSELF FREE !

I did what I did, you did what you did...

I dug it up one last time so I can SET IT FREE FOR GOOD, far AWAY,

far AWAY FROM ME...

into the RIVER OF LETTING GOES...

because there OUR STORY'S final rest is...

HELLO 2008 !


Hello to ALL MY FRIENDS I hope you haven't forgotten me!


A NEW YEAR has arrived and I'm back !



Hopefully this YEAR will be MUCH MUCH BETTER one!



I was Last online Jul 20, 2007 11:36 am PT, *auuuch* that so long long ago!



And now I'm back...



QUICK UPDATE:

My granny is doing GREAT!

I even managed to go at seaside and re-charge my batteries but it wasn't enough... !

And when I came back I started working and I haven't stopped - first I got a summer job!

When that finished I got another job - autumn job- STORYTELLING & work shops with 1st-4th graders ! That was a lot of fun - tiring but nice !

After that finished I got another job - teaching!

MY computer got finally fixed after several months, still problems with connections but still not giving up even if it takes me half an hour to open tv.com!

Went to few weddings and a bit more funerals *hopefully this year - only weddings * !

So I've been VERY busy !



MADE a few IMPORTANT DECISION in my life !



One of them is a bit CORNY but hey, hopefully I'll stick to it:

TRYING to LIVE without worrying what other people think,

not over-analyzing every little detail or situation *that doesn't apply to TV shows especially not D/L * !

Well, to sum it up :

Not taking everything to heart, be LESS STRESSED & DEPRESSED !

And oh yeah, NOT POSTPONING !

Especially NOT POSTPONING getting together with friends real and online ones !



SO I WISH YOU ALL the best in this 2008 to be the best one so far!



It will take me some time to catch up so

you are more then welcome to UPDATE me

with what's been happening in your life and over at CSI:NY forum!

I really did MISS YOU!



and I see somethings didn't change, I've been trying to post this for an hour now, tv.com is being BAD to me ! well, to be honest I didn't miss that ! *giggling*

So HERE's TO NEW BEGINNINGS & OLD FRIENDS! *cheers*

Love and hugs,

P e t r a (SSG)