Feel like **** today, so I decided not to go to cIasses, and, consequently, I've sat on my butt studying for most of the day...

My ADD meds (Strattera, specifically) have been giving me some adverse side effects, and I think that that is why I feel as sick as a leper today...

I discovered the other day that I am making C-'s or lower in three out of my five cIasses, so that's somewhat...unsettling. I had a few more minor lapses in sanity over the weekend as well, so I'm somewhat fearful of problems that could arise from that as well. Finally, I asked a girl I had somewhat befriended out for a date this Saturday on Friday, and her response was...less-than-stellar. She immediately left my vicinity without giving any verbal reply whatsoever (it was quite clear what her answer was, though). Yesterday, in the two cIasses I share with her, she avoided me like the plague, and, the one time I managed to make eye contact with her, she was undeniably glaring at me. It's kinda depressing, especially since this is actually the third time something of the sort has happened to me. I can't spend too much time worrying about that, though, as "not-failing" is definitely my number one priority.

How everyone else manages to pass while I fail is beyond me, unless there exists a massive gap in ability between me and everyone else. Well over a third of the population of the school is almost invariably inebriated to some extent, yet they still manage to outperform me, while another half of the population of the school seems to be ridiculously lazy; when I try to find people on three out of five of the non-party floors of my dorm, there is almost invariably a match of Halo or Brawl going on in almost every room. Meanwhile, I've been busting my butt to try to keep my head above water. Is the disparity between me and everyone else really that massive?

*sigh*

I need something to do in my break from studying right now, so why not make a top ten list of my favorite games?

10) Metroid Prime

9) Mass Effect

Diablo 2

7) Warcraft 3

6) Monkey Island 3

5) Mechwarrior (series)

4) Total Annihilation

3) System Shock 2

2) Baldur's Gate 2

1) Deus Ex

The results of my physics and math tests came in last week, and I failed both very, very badly. In addition, I found myself completely incapable of completing last week's computational engineering problem.

Were these things caused by stupidity? No-otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten into Rice. Laziness? Of course not-I had worked for over 30 hours on each (studying for math, studying for physics, and trying to work out the computational engineering problem) in the respective week leading up to each one, and many more in the month beforehand.

So why am I failing in half of my classes? While I was trying to work on my computational engineering problem at 3 AM the day it was due, I realized that I had been spending the past three hours staring at the ceiling tiles trying to create a general (but accurate) algorithm for determining the volume taken up by their irregularities rather than working on the problem itself.

Yes-the problem was, without a doubt, my lack of the ability to focus, which had become even worse in the entirely new environment of living on a campus with people I had never met before and no one I had met before.

I was diagnosed with a relatively severe case of ADD (not ADHD, mind you, but ADD) way back when I was in 6th grade, and had taken meds for it for a few weeks before discovering that I completely abhorred their effects upon me; my appetite was well-nigh annihilated, I had become an insomniac, and I had become nothing more than a computational device-I may have become stellar at academics, but I lost my soul in the process. I no longer found joy in anything, and I consequently ceased my recreational activities: building with my LEGO collection, playing video games, and hanging out with friends. I had become a machine with a single-minded will to do this or that math problem or complete in a rather stellar manner this or that English assignment. I was no longer alive, and had become a non-entity to both myself and those around me.

One day, I neglected to take my meds, and I realized that I felt so much more alive, happy, hungry, and capable of sleep than the weeks previous, so I stopped taking them altogether. I was able to cope with my ADD sufficiently during high school due to the relative ease of my courses and some truly stellar and engaging teachers, but, now, it's come back with a vengeance. My old coping mechanisms no longer apply in the more rigorous and less visualize-able realm of college classes, so I have few choices left to me if I desire to succeed.

Simply studying my butt off does not seem to help much, so I have decided to sacrifice my soul in order to not fail and put myself back on my meds.

Thankfully, I won't be sacrificing as much this time around, as my LEGO collection is no longer accessible, I still have non-med days (which I have decided shall be Sundays) to play video games, and, of course, I have no social life to give up this time around.

Still, it is a decision that has been very difficult to make-I'd go so far as to say it was one of the hardest ones of my life-and I am definitely not sure I made the right decision...

Well, actually, there are just three of them.

Today, I had a physics midterm exam, which I feel completely and totally crushed me. I'll be getting the score back in a few days, so I guess I'll find out then...

I got back an honors organic chemistry test today, and I was ecstatic with my score. I got a 73 (and only actually fully missed one question-the rest of the points I missed were for leaving out details in my explanations), which is going to curve straight up to a score in the mid 90's, as it was one of the highest in the class

Tomorrow, I have a math midterm, which I feel will probably go about as well as the physics one did...ugh.

I got back my first assignments in single variable calculus 2 and physics 101 today...

On the single variable calc problem set, I got a 60/100, and on the physics 101 problem set, I got a 17/30. *sigh* I don't think I was ready for college...